You Saw Me

34

We woke from the sound of my phone buzzing. I sleepily reached for it feeling my way through the things on my bedside table. I found it and held it closer to my face, so I could check caller-id. It was Ana. I contemplated calling her back later, but she never called me at this hour, so it had to be something important. 

"Ana", I whispered in the phone. "What's up hon?"

"Oh no, did I wake you? I'm sorry, Ellie! I just wanted to check if you had seen the photos of you guys?" She seemed embarrassed to have woken me. 

"It's okay, Ana. No worries. What photos?" I asked groggily. 

"You're basically all over the tabloids", she said and I could have sworn that a little part of her was enjoying it. 

"Oh no, is it bad?", I asked feeling a knot in the pit of my stomach. 

"Not at all! It's really cute actually. Go have a look, text me later", she ended the call and left me sitting up in bed, worried what I would find. 

"Everything okay, love?" Henry asked.

"We made the tabloids, apparently. Ana was just giving me a heads up",  I told him and played with a curl in his hair. His hair was wild and curly when he woke in the morning and 100 % irresistible. No wonder people dreamt of running their hands through it. 

"Jeff hasn't called me, so it can't be bad", he chuckled while checking his phone. "Let's see what they got, shall we? Might as well start with TMZ. 

He opened the browser and found TMZ. We were the top story. Is Henry and his divorcee nesting? I scrunched my nose at the headline. Would it kill them to find out my name? The article mostly consisted of pictures of us having fun in IKEA. The quality was low, so they were probably taken by a private person, who had spotted us. But they were good in the sense that we looked happy. Henry was laughing and smiling in all pictures and I looked younger and more alive. Bubbly even. The story was a load of rubbish about how we were spotted buying things for our new home, and how I had been spotted looking at paint earlier that week, so a "source" had told TMZ that we might be expecting. I scoffed when Henry read the last part out loud. 

"What?", he laughed. "You wouldn't have my baby?"

I pushed him and said "Of course I would. But you know that I can't, right? I'm aware that others don't know. It's a little comical that their source thinks so."

Henry put his phone down and pulled me into his arms. I sensed there was something he wanted to say or ask. I knew that having the baby-talk was a big no-no at this point in our relationship. It was too soon. 

"I always wanted to be a dad", he said after a little while of silence. At the pit of my stomach I felt the guilt building. "At the same time it's a fucked up world to put children into. It's always been this thing at the back of my mind, "Don't get her pregnant", but with you if that happened, I wouldn't question it." 

I felt tears welling up. I had always wanted to be a mom, so the fact that it never happened had been a huge sorrow for me. But by now I had found peace with it not happening for me. However I would not be the reason he didn't have kids. 

"I understand the dream of becoming a parent. I've always had the same dream. It took me a long time coming to terms with the reality that it wouldn't happen for me. Henry, it's a huge talk we're venturing into here, but I hope you know that I would never stand in the way of you having kids", I put on my brave face and tried to assure him. 

"How would that work? I'd have kids that weren't yours? Ellie, it's you and me, love. We can get a dog", he winked at me. 

The talk was over. But inside I knew that this wasn't it, there would probably come a time, where he would feel differently. And by then I still wouldn't be able to fulfill that dream for him. 

***

Henry spent the day working on his music. He was writing a lot in his notebook that he kept with him at all times. I never asked about it, I was very focused on not distracting him. 

I overheard him on the phone with Jeff. He was asking if there was a possibility he could get a piano out to the annexe. He needed it to record and write. It gave me a sense of calm knowing that him asking for that meant he was happy here and he wanted to stay with me. 

I decided to go into the office to have the talk with Bob. It was time I resigned my position in the firm. Afterall I had a new job waiting for me in Gayle's firm. A job I was really looking forward to starting.

Bob was happy to see me. We shook hands for a while and he kept repeating how happy he was that I was feeling better. The guilt of knowing why I was there was gnawing at me. 

"Bob, there's no easy way for me to say this...", I started. 

"But you're pregnant?" Bob interrupted me smiling from ear to ear. "It made sense to me when I saw on the news that you had been shopping for baby-stuff with that fellow of yours, and then the fainting. Nancy used to do that all the time, when she was pregnant with our eldest".

I felt the knot again. "I'm not pregnant, Bob. I'm just..", I was looking down on my shoes. "I need a change of scenery. I've loved being here with you and I'm grateful you took a chance on me. But I've had another offer and I've accepted it". Inside I felt like crawling up in a corner to hide. Quitting my job was not something I truly felt I had the confidence to do, so my voice was shaky and emotional. 

I had never had to quit a job before. My last resignment, which was from Adam's clinic was a given with the divorce. 

Bob sat and looked at me for a little while. "Oh that's a shame, Ellie. We've been very happy having you here."

"Thank you, Bob. It has been a pleasure. You're a great boss.", I felt awkward saying it, but it was what I felt. 

"Well if there's anything we can do or anything you need, please let us know. Nancy and I will gladly hear from you", he got up and shook my hand. 

I left the building feeling lighter, but at the same time puzzled. Was Bob married to his secretary? I wondered what she was first - his wife or his secretary.