I'm sorry for not publishing since Saturday. Was it Saturday? I'm not sure. But it was because I had a panic attack on Monday night, and guess what I found? A piece of paper that never existed until after my panic attack; meaning that I wrote whatever the hell was on my mind during my anxiety thingy. I can't even understand it; I'm just going to type what I can read out of it.
The thought is making my head pound I can't breathe I can't think I need my freedom I need my friends I need escape I need control stop controlling me I can't let this go it's been going on please make it stop I can't think I can't breathe help me please I need my life back I need my friends please stop controlling me I just want to be normal and that's why I did it please stop yelling please stop screaming please I'm not a failure please stop saying that please stop implying it I'm not a failure I'm not a failure I'm not a failure please stop what if I believe it what if I don't what if I run away what will you do but I don't want to run away in safe here but I'm not because I need to be free I can't escape I need to breathe but I don't want to breathe please help me I can't breathe I need less control I need more of my own I need to breathe but I can't breathe and I need to but I don't want to breathe or think I need to stop thinking because all that my brain is doing is thinking f the negative I need to think of the positive but that's just wishful thinking but if I don't think of the positive then nothing is going to change but I don't want change but I need change I need freedom I need control over my life but I can't here and I need to escape but there's safety here but there's death here too if I don't leave I'll go insane but if I do I might die but I can't decide and I want to leave but I can't because I'm so scared and I hate myself for it and I need to stay for Irelynd and her insecurities I need to stay for Daija and her nightmares I need to stay for Amber and her scars I need to stay for Kobe and his family issues I need to stay for school because if I don't then I'll fail in life and their words will be true an ill be living under a bridge and I can't let that happen because I can't live here ever again and once I leave I'm not coming back but they'll look for me but I can't stay here but I need to for my friends but I can't. I don't want to exist anymore I don't want to die I don't want to live I just don't want to exist or breathe or think or worry or be happy or get up I want to stay here for my friends but how can I stay in such horrendous conditions where I can't even say my mind and I can't do anything worth my time because it goes against what everyone says but I need to stay for my friends and I'm going to stay for my friends but I don't want to exist but I want to be able to help my friends but I just can't help myself.
YOU ARE READING
Paralyzed
PoetryOkay, this started out as a thought book, turned into a rant book, and so far, it's become a thought book again. How many other changes will it go through, I don't know, nor do I care. This is sort of a public journal but not really because I hate t...
