restart// 5SOS

18

Alyssa

I woke up with a start, hitting my shoulder on the wall which made me curse really loud. I was groggy, and definitely would much rather be asleep.

"Is everything okay?"

"I hit my shoulder,"

"I'll get Ash,"

"I'm here, what happened?"

"She hit her shoulder,"

"Oh sweetie, that's no good. That's gonna hurt,"

"A lot,"

"I can imagine, lets get some ibuprofen gel,"

"Fuck, fuck, fuck,"

"I know," he said, "Take some deep breaths, I'll get the gel. Axel, can you get some water please?"

They both left the room and I started crying, so Ashton rushed back with the gel and put it on his hand, carefully moving my shirt out the way.

"I know you want Axel,"

"It's okay,"

"I'm sorry if this is uncomfortable," he said, "It'll make it feel better,"

"Son of a bitch,"

"I know, I'm sorry. How hard did you hit it?"

"Hard,"

"We'll keep an eye on it," he said, readjusting my top, "Does the sling make it feel better?"

"A bit,"

"Okay... it's just been one of those days, hasn't it?"

"Yeah,"

"Bless you, we'll have to look after you," he said, taking the water from Axel, "Here, have a few sips,"

"You have a missed call on your phone downstairs,"

"How about you two watch a film?"

"Yeah," Axel said, turning the tv on, "I have one I wanna watch,"

Ashton tucked me in next to Axel, then I laid on his chest, watching whatever he put on. I couldn't stop myself from crying because it hurt a lot, but he comforted me like he always did.

"I'm proud of you," he said, "You're way braver than me,"

"Hardly,"

"You got us this home, I'm forever going to be in debt to you,"

"That's not true, you won't be in debt to me ever,"

"I am... and, I don't know... I need to start paying it off. I need to help you back, Ally, and you gotta let me,"

"I'm fine,"

"No you're not. I wanna make you happy again,"

"Well I've been through a lot,"

"I know. You're really thin, and you stopped looking after yourself and it's scaring me,"

"I will be fine, stop making me insecure,"

"Sorry,"

"I was just trying to survive and I really, really fucking wanted to give up. But I did as much as I could manage to do so that I lived incase we saw each other so I am sorry that I don't look okay. I'm not,"

"I need you here,"

"I'm sorry I failed,"

"You didn't fail... it's just not like you, all of this,"

"I had you there to stop it getting super bad,"

"I'm here now,"

"Yeah. I know. I've been eating again, and sleeping again,"

"Hardly sleeping,"

"Then neither have you,"

"This isn't about me,"

"You can't attack me like you're innocent. I'm gonna be fine,"

Ashton appeared at the door again and knocked, both of us going silent. He looked happy, and did a little dance, then sat down at my desk and smiled harder.

"I just got off the phone with the head teacher,"

"Have they already marked it?"

"Yep, and I have two very clever kids,"

"I got in?" I said, "For real?"

"Yep, you both start on Tuesday. I got us Monday off,"

"They must've marked it wrong,"

"He said you two have lots of potential, and they would love you at school. I think you're gonna have some tutoring, but I am so proud of you both. Well done,"

"I don't wanna be this expensive,"

"Dude, we're going to private school," Axel said, "Be happy,"

"Can you just leave me alone for a bit?"

"Come on, Ally. Really? I said I was proud of ya, I just wanted to know what was going on, we're going to a fancy ass school together, and you're still miserable. Why are you so miserable about everything all the time?"

"Get out,"

"No,"

"Get out!" I screamed, "Get out of here,"

As he left, I started to cry again and I rolled onto my back, covering my face with my arm. It was silent for a few minutes, then I felt the bed dip beside me and Ashton hushed me, gently scratching my hair to calm me down, or at least that's what it did.

I wiped my nose on my sleeve and looked up at him, letting him wipe my tears. He had huge hands, but they were so gentle all the time. He was so gentle. He cared about his actions and it was so weird to me, but so good. I had needed an adult in my life who was gentle.

"One of those days,"

"He doesn't get it. How? How does he not feel sad the way I feel sad?"

"He does keep feeling sad, but we all have different limits, and certain things can change those limits. You have a lot going on, your imaginary emotional tank is already quite full, so theres less room for you to handle everything extra on top,"

"I was very sad before the accident, but it was a bit easier, because he was there. And I know he is here now but I felt so awful, Ashton. It's harder to be okay,"

"Have you ever spoken to anyone? Like a school counsellor, or a teacher?"

"No,"

"I see," he said, "You know, you could have everything you could ever need in the whole entire world, but still have depression, and that depression does not care if you have everything in the world,"

"Okay,"

"I doubt he meant it to come across like it is, he's probably just worried for his sister, and he doesn't understand why you might not be excited. He is obviously very excited and he wants to share that with you because after everything you have been through, it's a great opportunity,"

"He said I'm not myself,"

"Are you yourself?"

"No," I mumbled, "Maybe it's the new me,"

"I don't think so at all, it's not a very fun way to live the rest of your life. Do you think maybe you're still in survival mode?"

"Yeah,"

"That's a big thing to overcome, it'll take some time. You two will stop arguing eventually. It's been an intense period of change in a very short amount of time,"

"Thank you for talking to me,"

"Of course darling, I'm always here, but especially when you're having one of those days,"