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— I LOOKED TO JOHNNY AND PONYBOY FOR ANSWERS BUT THEY STOOD QUIET
"I mean.. do I have to?" I asked them in disappointment, my eyes tracing the floorboards underneath the table as I toyed with my fingernails, a habit that i've grown into.
"No! of course not. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Why ask that?" Ponyboy looked at me puzzled for asking the question that I did on a subject like that.
Earlier that day I had decided to go over to Curtis house for advice on what happened with me and Dallas— What I should do about Dallas, to be exact. I figured some of the boys would have an idea as they knew Dally better than I did. They would know of his tendencies. When I walked in, only Johnny and Ponyboy were present. They were playing cards at the dining table and trading cigarettes.
"I don't know. I just don't know if I must since he's known to be... dangerous" I mumbled the last bit. Dally was known to have violent tendencies, so would it be involved in something like this?.
"Dally is violent but he isn't cruel. He'd never do something like that, ever. He'd never force you to do something you didn't want to, not even by threatening." Johnny explained, placing down a queen onto the table before taking a cigarette from Pony's pile.
"Right..." I whispered under my breathe, standing up from my chair next to Johnny. "Well, i'm going to go, i'll see you guys-"
Just then, Dally walked through the door, stopping dead in his tracks once his eyes met mine. "Later..." I finished, staring at him. I stood awkwardly, Johnny and Ponyboy pretending that we weren't there while continuing on with their game.
I hurriedly walked passed Dallas and out the house. I heard footsteps trailing mine before a hand grabbed my shoulder and turned me around gently.
I kept my head down, not daring to look at him for if I did— I would never be able to look away. Dally sighed, staying quiet as I began to fiddle with my fingers once again, continuing the habit of mine.
"Cerise..." He mumbled, rubbing circles on my shoulders. I shook his hand off, not wanting him to touch me. I couldn't be near him, for the longer I was, the harder i'd fall. I hated the person I was around him. Completely entranced by his presence and his charisma, his confidence. It was sickening, as if I were under a spell put on by him— And his interest in me only made me want him more.
"Dally please. What I told you last night, still stands. I refuse to be your rebound okay? If you want a hookup or some girl to make out with then there are plenty girls around town that would gladly take that opportunity. But I am not one of those girls so-"
"I'm not looking for that.." Dally cut me off, his voice slightly frustrated. "Listen.... you aren't a rebound alright. I really like you. I've never liked anyone the way I liked you, I mean that."
I stayed silent for a minute, taking it what he said. Then I spoke words i'm not sure I should have, for they would work out to not be true. "No Dallas... you like the idea of me. You like the way I look. That's it. You don't know me, you know nothing about me, okay?"
He looked at me with anger, shaking his head. "Whatever man" He grumbled, walking back into the Curtis home. Just as I turned to leave, the rest of the gang walked up to the house. I waved a quick hello to them with a smile, them returning the gesture before walking past me and into the house.
I wasn't sure how i'd do my shift tonight at Buck's with Dally there, well, if he was gonna be there. I wasn't sure, for sometimes he'd be at Buck's and other times he wouldn't. He would either be out with people or laying upstairs in room, hiding from the party... or me— probably both.
As I laid back in my bed once arriving home, I wondered if saying what I said to Dally was the right decision. Should I have rejected him? or was I right too?.
I've been told time and time again that he's dangerous. That any girl who has ended up with him has left heartbroken, and I didn't want to be another one of those girls. I didn't want to be another one of his trophies. I didn't want to be used by him, I refuse to be. But even with all of those thoughts and opinions for myself, I was still falling. Like Lucifer falling from the heavens, into hell. I was Lucifer.. and Dally were the flames engulfing me in sin.
I hated how he treated me better than others. How he would disregard Sylvia for me. Now I see that the reason Sylvia cheated on him all the time was to get his attention. The poor girl just wanted to be loved, but she couldn't because she knew that he wouldn't— so the best that she could do is get his attention, even if it were in more negative circumstances.
I refuse to be Sylvia and go through what she did. I'm sure at one point or another she was in the same position I am, except she gave in. I refuse to, I don't want to be hurt. No matter the amount of love he could show me, I refuse to let him leave me heartbroken over his behaviour.
I wondered if I completely ignored him.. would he stop perusing me? I thought about it even after all the denial I went through in my brain. And even then, it wasn't enough to diminish the hurt. The pain I would feel if he decided to forget about me— because deep down I knew how much I truly liked him. How much I yearned for him. It might be best to not ignore him, to not ignore my feelings and to maybe even continue toward him. I could maybe just...
