alone | colby brock x y/n

"Pages of me"

Dear diary,
To simply state, today sucked. Sometimes I sit and wonder whether I actually wanted to move here or I just felt like I had to get out of that shrinking ship, which my mother used to call "home". Los Angeles is big, scary and most of the people are rude and fake; I can't compare it to my hometown from any point of view. To put you in the loop, I'm not American, not even close. I'm from a shitty Eastern European country and ever since I was a little girl, I dreamt of living in the big city of angels in California. Don't ask me why exactly LA because I can't remember what I ate yesterday, but that was my plan since day one. I have a love-hate relationship with everything related to my "home". It's always been like that: I love the place but if I stick around for too long I start getting ugly flashbacks of my childhood and I just feel trapped. Back home I feel like a stranger. LA has the potential of a place I could one day call home.
When I started high school I busted my ass off to be able to leave someday. I studied at a prestigious high school, pretty well known in my country and abroad. It was hard to pull it off, but I somehow managed to stay on the top of my class and get a scholarship every year. In my free time I took up any part time job or gig I could find. As soon as I finished senior year I packed my shit and left everything I ever knew behind. Now that I'm actually here, where I've aspired all my life to be, I feel homesick; but it's hot the family, nor my favourite books getting dusty on the shelves above my bed or the jewellery box that I left behind. It's my cat, the coffee shop I used to go to with my friends and that really specific place in the library. I sometimes feel like an outsider here.

I'm a freshman at UCLA and I major in English literature with a full ride scholarship so you probably guessed correctly that all I do is sit and study in my dorm. I know I should be out having fun at some frat party, even if it's got to be once in a while, but I just can't afford school tuition and I'm scared I'll lose it all if I don't work hard all the time. Thank god for my roommate who always finds a way to drag me out of this cage I lock myself into.

I'm sharing a dorm with three amazing girls. First of all, it had to be Hannah. She just turned 20 and she has a double major in physics and mathematics. All I want to mention is the fact that when I first found out, I lost my jaw... it was on the goddamn floor. I never quite figured out these two sciences, therefore I have a lot of respect for her. Second, I'm going to introduce Casey. She's Hannah'a roommate, sweet, quiet and basically an angel. I haven't seen her that much lately. I figured it's because she sleeps at her boyfriend's apartment. And last but not least it's Izzy. She's a nepo-baby at UCLA, even though she didn't want to go to uni, her parents forced her to "continue the family legacy". She's also the closest friend of mine here so I guess she's my best friend. I honestly don't know what I would have done without her. Whenever I struggle to make ends meet she finds a way to help me. Izzy is always skipping class and doing something fun or going to a party. Lately she found a new group of people she hangs out with, from what I gathered they sound real silly. They ghost hunt and explore... cracks me up just thinking about it.
I derived way too much from the topic so imma go to what i was saying about today. This guy cut me in line at the cafeteria and had THE AUDACITY to get the last blueberry cupcake. Afterwards I went to the store to grab a bottle of water because it was crazy hot outside. My class was starting in about an hour, at that point and as I reached to grab my wallet I remembered I had run out of cigarettes. Before paying I asked the cashier for a pack of those as well. I'm not asking when homegirl asked me for my ID... I get it that I look like a 16 year old but at this point you're just breaking my heart. I went to class and I ended up sleeping for the rest of the day. Izzy woke me up tho... she dragged my ass out of bed saying that i needed to get ready by ten as she was taking me to a party. I swear to god if she's taking me to see her ghost friends, she's not going to see the light of tomorrow.

With love, your angry y/n!