𝗜 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘆 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗺𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗺𝗲 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂'𝗿𝗲 𝗻𝗼𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗻𝗲𝗮𝗿.
☽☽☽
She captivated Bucky instantly during their first interaction. He cannot, however, express his feelings due to her bloodline and relat...
"Hey, Bucky." Steve knocks on my door. "Do you want to join us? We are all hanging out in the living room."
"Uh," I look up from my book." "No, I'm okay."
Steve looks behind him before walking into my bedroom and shutting the door. I keep the book in my hands just in case he wants to have a talk, which I'm definitely not in the mood for right now. Since last night, when I left the team and especially Eden and Steve without an explanation, I haven't left my bed. A part of me really wanted to explain myself this morning when Steve came up to my room to ask me if I wanted to join him and Sam on their run, but I knew it was stupid. Stupid to even think I ever had a chance with her. I could and never should be with her. Steve is a noble, brave, and caring person, who has on multiple occasions risked his life to save this world. Eden deserves someone like him to love her. I, on the other hand, have created the majority of the chaos that Steve has had to distinguish. I don't deserve someone like Eden. Steve sits on the end of my bed, facing me in my reading chair in the corner of the room.
"What's going on Buddy?" He asks. "You've been really isolated today."
"I said I'm fine, Steve."
"And, I don't believe you." He seems frustrated. "You can talk to me, Bucky. You have before and always can."
But, I can't. I can't tell Steve that I like his girlfriend. That every time I see her, I want to pull her in for a kiss and lose every breath in my body until I pass out. Or, that every time Eden asks me a simple question, all I want to do is sweep her away for myself and talk to her until we are so tired that we fall asleep next to each other. He can never know that. Since he is the one who gets to kiss and hug, have long conversations with, and sleep next to. I'm supposed to be his best friend, and I'm pinning over his girlfriend. That's why I've been avoiding everyone, so I don't stupidly and accidentally spill my secret. Steve wouldn't be the only one that is angry. There would probably be a warrant out for my arrest if Tony had anything to say about it.
"I'm just not feeling like it today, okay." I lie. "I want to be alone."
"You can be alone, but if there was something that was bothering you, would you tell me?"
"Yes," I mumble.
Honestly, I don't know if I would. If I can. I know that I was best friends with Steve in the 40s, but I don't remember many memories of feelings from that time. Not only has so much time passed since then but my brain has been put through the wringer to the point that I didn't even know my own name. I want to be able to trust Steve enough to tell him everything on my mind, but sometimes I can't even trust myself. There are still some things that I haven't told him or Eden, and I don't think I ever will. Even though they both are very good at seeing the good in people, I fear that the things I have done will drive them away. And, sometimes, all I need is them.
"Bucky, why do you even try?" Steve sighs. "I've always been able to tell when you are lying. What's going on? You can talk to me, I'm your best friend."
"I'm not lying." I look down at my lap.
"Yes, you are. You just did it again." He frowns. "What's bothering you?"
"It's nothing, really." I insist.
"Is it Tony?"
"No." I shake my head.
"Is it the missions? Are they getting to be too much for you?" He asks.
"No."
"Is it Eden? Is it me?"
"No," I lie through my teeth.
Steve sighs, leaning forward, placing his hands flat on his knees. He doesn't seem annoyed, frustrated, or angry. Just concerned and not getting any answers. I appreciate his care for me, but I don't need it. I don't deserve it. I'm not sure if he could tell that I was lying or not, but either way, he takes the book from my lap, walks over to place it on my bookshelf, and stand in front of me. I look up at him, waiting for him to speak.
"I think that whatever is on your mind could be distracted by hanging out with us. You've had fun with us before, remember the board game?"
He is right, I really did enjoy that night. I was able to see not only Eden but everyone else in the team under a new spotlight. They actually seemed a somewhat safe place to be near. And, I talked and was near Eden the entire time. But, that was before I grew this pit in the bottom of my stomach every time I thought or saw Steve and Eden together. Now, I feel out of place and thrown into the shadows every time I'm with them. But, from the look on his face, it seems that Steve isn't going to give up until I'm sitting in that living room with the team. So, I force myself off my chair and follow him out of my room and down the halls.
When we make it into the room, everyone stops talking. Some of them, Tony and Natasha, look surprised at my presence, but a select few, Eden and Sam, seem happy that I am here. That's good because I'm not. Steve leaves my side and walks over to the couch, joining the team in listening to music and reading their own books. He sits next to Eden, and they read a book together. I can't see what type of book it is, but they are both really enjoying it. I walk away from the team and sit on a chair in the corner of the room. It seems that no one notices my actions, almost as if I'm not in the room with them. I might as well not be. I was doing the same thing in my room, and I didn't feel like shit. All I want to do right now is run, but then they will all defiantly know something is wrong. And, I can't have any more interrogations. So, I just sit in the corner of the room, observing everyone else. They all seem so happy together, and I don't like it. I want to be a part of a group that sees me. No one ever does. The music plays, soft conversations here and there, and the flipping of pages fills the room as I watch the team feel comfortable with each other.
