The Auditions

The Calm After the Storm

"I leave this-or should I say, I left this video for everyone to know that there is hope. But I'm already tired of hoping that someday I will be okay, that someday I will grow up with someone I love, that someday I won't get hurt again.

"There are a hundred ways to die. I tried cutting my wrists." I flash both of my arms to the camera. The fresh ones are still red. "But it just doesn't work. I cut my wrists so many times I no longer think of it as pain, but rather pleasure." It's my bodily function to cut my skin almost every night. And when I can't find any spots on my arms, I turn to my thighs.

I half smile at the camera. "I tried hanging myself but my ex-boyfriend caught me when he came to my house unexpectedly. When I tried for the second time, the rope gave." I shake my head as I recall such vivid memories. "And just four months ago I tried drinking rat poison. They found me immediately so I was rushed to the hospital.

"I am such a failure at committing suicide. But not today." I planned this all month long. No one will come to see me today. No one will come to my rescue. No one will bother to knock at my door to check on me. No one will.

I pause again. How many times do I have to pause before I can say what I have to say? I mean, I will die a few minutes from now and leaving a note seems pointless. I should have gone with a letter. No. I should have just killed myself.

I take a few breaths.

"To you, who is watching this, please don't feel sorry for me. Just don't. I'm only doing this because things just keep on getting worst. My parents got divorced. My depression keeps on getting worst. My boyfriend recently broke up with me. My friends who I trusted about me told the whole school about my situation. Yes, I am gay. I love boys more than I love girls. But people see me as if I will bite them down. The problem with today's society is people will expect you to be straight. People expect you to be like them. Ever since I was a child, people expect me to marry a girl and have kids. This needs to stop.

"I am gay. And because of that, I am always bullied at school. Because of that, I am always thrown at a dumpster. Because of that, I lost my friends. Because of that . . . I will kill myself."

Those words came out of my mouth. I didn't have to think. It just flowed right out of my head.

I stare at the screen and keep on wondering the point of this when I know myself this won't be seen by the world. This won't be like Facebook or Twitter where you are a celebrity for doing something stupid.

I keep on taking deeper breaths.

"For a long time," I continue, "I always wanted for someone to notice my struggles and to stay with me even when I keep on pushing them away. I actually found someone. But just like everybody else, he gave up on me." I find myself shaking my head. "It was all but lies. I tied my strings to the promises he made. Yet . . . yet, he cut those strings. The strings that tied me to him, the strings that I once believed to be destiny, the strings that weren't supposed to be broken."

I find myself crying again.

"What is this?" I ask to myself as I wipe my tears. "What is this? I'm not supposed to cry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

I punch my face. I promised myself not to say sorry again. I said it anyway.

"I'm sorry. I lied. This is not supposed to be about my depression, but I talked about it. And I'm sorry."

The storm is at it wit's end.

Few more breaths until I see myself again at the screen. The guy staring back is already dead. I have to continue.

"So, I'll just end it this way. No good byes, no I love you's, nothing. Just like the way I was treated. Nothing."

I stare back at myself for so long until I hit the stop button. I let the computer be. They will eventually find the video.

I pull out a semiautomatic pistol from a drawer on my computer desk. I always check it every day if it's still there. The pistol is not too heavy but not too light either. I press the release and put the three bullets in the magazine before inserting it back in the cartridge. I have three bullets in case the first one failed to kill me.

The bed I'm sitting at will be soaked in blood later. But I have to do this.

A small smile suddenly appears on my face. It's the relief that I got to say those words even though I am just talking to myself. I'm feeling satisfied.

I laugh. I laugh at myself. I laugh as if I never laughed before. This is so great. I am laughing like an idiot.

So this is the calm after the storm.

I point the muzzle at my temple.