A Starting Point

CHAPTER FIFTY-NINE - UNDERSTANDING

William

— When you remember something related to your father, from gestures, words or certain situations, when that feeling of fear or stress sets in, your nervous system sends a signal, making your body more attentive to react to any dangerous situation. Your bloodstream sends out a lot of stimulating hormones, such as adrenaline, and this causes reactions such as tremor in your hands or throughout your body, sweating, dilated pupils, increased heart rate and increased blood pressure.
I looked down at my hands and thought of all the times this had happened.
— I noticed they are decreasing. When you call me Davies, or when we talk about my father, for example, they don't tremble as much as they used to.
“You're in great shape. I want you to continue with the anxiolytics, but give importance to deep breathing exercises. I don't want you to become dependent on medication. Now, I want you to tell me how it felt when your father beat your mother.
I took a deep breath and slowed down in speaking. A lump settled in my throat and I thought the words wouldn't come. It was still being difficult.
“In your time, Davies.
Malerman always put me at ease. I got up and went to the window. I pulled back the curtain a little and looked at the movement outside. It was easier to talk when I wasn't looking into a face. It was like I was just talking to myself.
“I was only eight, so at the time I didn't know what those feelings were. That urge to kill him, even when I felt like I loved him. It's almost profane to cause these kinds of feelings in a child. He did this to me.
"So you're acknowledging that it wasn't your fault you felt that way?"
- Yea.
“This is really good. Very good,
Davies. proceed!
— Today I know the name given to those sensations. I had hate, anger, resentment...
“Years later, you had the opportunity to get revenge. What made you change your mind?
"I'm not sure." I looked at him and then back outside. “Perhaps I felt pity. At some point, in my subconscious, I certainly felt pity. And it was just for a moment.
"Why did you feel that way about him?"
“He started hitting me after he fell off the roof. Before that, he was good to me, to my mother. After he went to ask his father for money, he came back different. He started drinking and having that behavior. He's been beaten his whole life. Once he came home drunk and started to vent. He said he was beaten just for looking at his father. That many times, he soiled his pants after a beating. Wilson pointed to his forearm and showed the burn mark his father had made with a candle, just because he mentioned his mother's name. But none of that justified what he did. He could have done differently.
— Are you saying that just because his father and grandfather were like that, he should be too? You mean he could have become someone better?
- Yea.
"So you believe that..."
“That I can be different. That I'm different. That bad things happen all the time, even when we don't want to. But, I will never intentionally cause them.
He shook his head and gave a small smile. He adjusted his glasses on his face and crossed his fingers over his chest.
“Go on about the day I wanted to kill you.
“He could have been different, but he chose to be like them. He didn't have love from his grandfather, father, mother who abandoned him. I don't know if my mother still loved him and he knew that I had lost my love for him. He lost his dignity, people's respect and even lost his will to live. Killing him would be advantageous for someone who no longer wanted to live. So I felt sorry for him, for a moment.
- For a moment? Then it wasn't like that anymore?
“Afterwards I thought it best to let him drown in his own disgrace. He deserved it.
"And when you heard the shot, what did you think, Davies?"
"I..." - I expelled a large amount of air - "I remembered that at some point, I once loved him." That at some point, he was once my hero. Sometime before I was eight years old.
I looked down at my cold hands, starting to shake.
“Take a deep breath, Davies. It's over. It's just a memory.
I squeezed them tight and let a tear fall to the floor, then turned my face away so he wouldn't see me in that state.
— Tears are a reaction caused during emotions such as joy, sadness, laughter or even yawning. They are responsible for lubricating the eyes when there is a need. For example, when there is a speck. This lubrication is necessary to expel this little nuisance. But, there are cases like yours, in which she lubricates her feelings, expelling some pain. Crying is also a great spectacle.
I wiped my eyes and remained silent, looking out the window.
"How do you think I am?" I finally said.
"I think it's ready now." If not, my couch will always have a place for you.
He smiled and took the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket.