A Starting Point

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN- I HATE WANTING YOU

Heloyse

The time I was away, I asked Ashley to reopen the cafeteria. I was at peace with my venture. She trusted Diana completely, the girl she put in as manager.
During the months I stayed here, I deposited money from household accounts. Which wasn't much, since my house had been closed. And once a month, Margot did the cleaning.
Everything seemed to be in perfect harmony, at least in that area, because my feelings were in such a mess. I needed to take direction in my life and that meant organizing my love life.
skyand Thom were like parents to me. I didn't want to leave. I missed having a family and they filled that gap that I missed.
I didn't want to go home either because I was afraid of finding Michael and everything I thought was gone is there, asleep. What if, when I saw him, I found I still loved him? Would it be possible?
On the other hand, staying here also had its risks. Having Will around would make it harder for me to forget about him. But during that time we saw so little of each other that I was convinced I could easily forget him.
I took a deep breath and concentrated on what I was doing.
"You'll end up falling and breaking some bones."
I gave a start when I heard that voice.
I had climbed on top of the tree so I could put a baby bird inside the nest. Poor thing was so soft that I thought maybe it wouldn't survive.
The owner of the voice stood with his hands on his hips looking at me as if I were a piece of fruit about to fall to the ground. In fact, it would if I stayed a few more minutes there. I was never a coordinated person. Climbing trees was not my forte.
I scrambled down and wondered how I hadn't heard him and his horse coming.
The owner of the voice had his hair hidden under a hat and his clothes were very shabby. Will O'Connor wouldn't look ugly even if he was dressed in sackcloth.
- What are you doing here?
“I went to the Ferrel house and there was no one there.
“They went to Jeremy's parents' house for lunch.
- Is that you? Why have not you gone?
"I didn't think my presence would be necessary."
The last few weeks I had been busy. I planned to buy the wooden house and a small piece of land, but Thom wouldn't let me. He simply said that the house was mine and helped me with the fence around it. We've been working hard. We repaired the house, painted the doors, windows and covered the truck.
— The work they did here was beautiful.
Will looked to the side and pointed at the house.
"It was," I said, putting my hands on my hips. -Do you want anything else?
He looked up the tree where I had been. Then he looked at me and smiled.
God, how could anyone break another with just a smile?
“If I hadn't arrived, maybe you would have been sprawled on the floor and there wouldn't have been anyone to help you.
It was clear that he wanted to bring up the subject and unfortunately, he was doing it wrong. Rather than wanting to talk to him, I just felt irritated by the way he spoke to me. It felt like I was some kind of joke to him.
"So thank you for saving my life."
I walked past him and headed towards the house. Inside, I opened the fridge, took out a pitcher of juice, and helped myself. I took a sip and watched his footsteps.
Even with my back turned, I knew he was behind me, so I turned around, leaned against the sink and faced him. Visibly embarrassed, Will crossed his arms and turned to face the window.
- That day...
“I try to forget that day…every day,” I cut him off.
He nodded, very slowly.
“I'm sorry about that. I wasn't going to hit you, if that's what you think. I never hit a woman. I can't stand men who do that.
“Thanks for making that clear, but it doesn't change what an idiot you are.” Will stared at me and then took a deep breath. "Why do you act like this to me?" I do not understand you. You barely know me, but, you seem to hate me, other times, it seems like... - I stopped before finishing. — It's weird... You're weird!
“I know,” he said, looking at me. “The way I behaved wasn't right. I could have just let you go. I could have banned you from the farm or anything, I just couldn't have treated you like that.
“We're getting somewhere, O'Connor.”
“Calvin said you wanted to push me away. what did he mean with this?
“Nothing that makes sense. Calvin sometimes says things that even I don't understand.” He frowned. "Are you and Johnson going out?"
"I don't understand how this could interest you," I said, then downed the last of my juice.
“I don't understand how you can go out with an asshole like Johnson.
“First, it's obvious you're terrible at changing the subject. Second, he's not an asshole. He is a kind, helpful and respectful guy. Many men should be like him.
“Idiots? he asked with a mocking expression.
--Not! Men! Real men treat a woman with affection, respect and everything in between. You understand what I'm talking about, don't you, William? Her expression turned serious and I saw her jaw tighten. - Do you want some juice?
— No, Heloise! I just want you to stop seeing Johnson.
Then, hard, I slammed the glass down on the sink.
"You don't want anything!" You demand nothing! Because you are nothing mine!
Will O'Connor approached me so fast, I jumped.
I pressed my back against the sink as he wrapped his arms around me.
Due to his height, I had to lift my head to look at him. We were so close that we could hear each other breathing.
"I wonder if he knows how to touch you."
"Maybe he knows," I lied.
"And he makes you feel satisfied?"
"Yes," I said a little softly.
–– Liar! If you're so happy with him, why
who longs so much for me to touch you?
"I don't want you to touch me." I was starting to pant.
"Your body doesn't say that." Your parted lips waiting for me to kiss you, don't say that.
There were times when my mouth wouldn't come to terms with my brain. When that happened, I always said what wasn't right.
“Then you'll have to work this out.
Will so quickly threw his hat to the ground, then joined our lips in such a sublime way, that I almost forgot who I was. This kiss was different. There were feelings.
That was the best kiss of my life, because he was the one kissing me. And that was the worst kiss of my life, because I knew it would be over at any moment.
My blood boiled as he kissed and punished me. Will controlled me with just a kiss.
He wanted me as much as I wanted him. And that fascinated me. That kiss was proof of how much I missed his lips.
He put his hands on my waist and lifted my shirt a little. I felt his hand on my skin and sighed into his mouth. That was a lot for me.
He pulled me closer to him, intensifying the kiss.
When we parted, something had changed in us.
"Lisy, I…"
Will pulled his lips away from mine and braced both hands on the sink. I was still surrounded by him. Our breaths were labored and our lips reddened. Our mouths open, confused, not knowing whether to touch again or breathe.
He lowered his head, as if kissing me had been a mistake.
- I need to go.
He looked at me for a few seconds and turned away, heading towards the door.
One hour he wanted me, the next he just went back to being the idiot he was before.
“I hate you, William. And I hate myself even more for always letting you do this to me.
"This what, sunshine?" - He spoke standing at the door and still with his back turned.
“Kissing me like we had something and then you make it clear there's nothing between us.
- And there is not!
- Asshole! You cannot say these things. Not when you kiss me like I'm something you want.
- And you are.
"Then why do you show otherwise?" I asked, feeling my heart racing. She was beating wildly.
Will turned and slowly walked towards me. He got so close, I closed my eyes in anticipation of him kissing me again. But, to my disappointment, he didn't.
Will caressed my face and when I opened my eyes, he was looking at me so intently. I watched those green eyes look at me with so much emotion, I asked my mind to keep that image for the rest of my life.
"Lisy..."
“I don't understand why you pull away from me. Will, we...
- I gotta go.
- Because? Why are you like this? Is it so unbearable to be near me?
- On the contrary. It's extremely delicious to be near you,” he said with his lips close to mine.
“I swear I don't understand you.
- Do not try. Don't want to know how I am.
I put my hand on his chest, over his shirt and slowly moved up to his neck, until I touched his stubble. Gently, I touched her lips and Will took my hand and kissed it.
His strong arms wrapped around me as I inhaled his scent. He kissed the top of my head and stayed still, holding me. I just wanted to be there.
"It was like being out in the rain and suddenly finding my shelter."
"I'll never be a good guy for you."
- Why do you think that?
“Because it's the truth, Lisy. Imagine a guy like me, having a girlfriend, wife, kids... I would fuck it up. It's like a curse. I'll be another asshole ending some woman's life.
- This is not true. I don't understand. Why don't you tell me what happens to you? Maybe if you open up...
- Not! he said pulling away from me. “I don't have anything to tell. I just know that I would never be someone good for you. For nobody!
He went to where his hat was, put it on his head and left, without even looking back.
I stood still, looking up hoping to see him come back and hug me. But, he didn't. And once again, I was faced with the same feelings I faced when Michael left me. I felt rejected.
So I ran to the door and when he was already out of my sight, I closed it with all my strength. I put my hands over my head and let the tears fall.
Why did everyone leave my life?
I lay down on the sofa and closed my eyes. Now I was powerless and let my tears roll down my face, silently.
I was exhausted. So much so that I fell asleep.