A Starting Point

CHAPTER ONE - ANOTHER GOODBYE

Heloyse

The problem with disappointment is that when you are going through this process, no one will understand you and even with words you will never be able to explain what is going on inside you.

Disappointment hurts, because it comes from those you have placed your expectations on. It can come from a friend, a relative, a child, a husband, however, never from an enemy. You know what to expect from your enemies.

She hurts because a piece of us leaves with those who let us down. I trusted too much. I trusted Michael.

It's been three months since I last asked for an explanation. But there I was, in front of his door, again. When he opened the door, I felt like all the air was knocked out of my lungs. It was as if time stopped.

One, two, three, four, five seconds, hours or years... I don't know. It just stopped.

That face I saw every day, now it was different. He had a tired, wobbly expression. He looked so cute in those gray pajamas that were my favorite. That familiar feeling calmed me down a bit.

I gave a dull smile and he was still silent with his hands on his hips and looking at me.

"Hi, Michael!"

He looked at me nervously, running a hand through his hair and after a few seconds that seemed like an eternity, he decided to answer.

"Hi, Lisy!" What are you doing here?

My heart raced when I heard his voice.

"I needed to talk to you..."

"I can not right now. I am with..."

"It is with her? I thought-" It took me a while to process, finally I asked, "Are you guys living together?"

"Please go away... I can't do it now."

"I know you said no more. I just didn't think you were..." It was hard to find words. "I didn't think they'd be so fast. And you owe me an explanation, because you're a bloody idiot." I fought back tears. "I ran after you asking for another chance and you didn't tell me if I should wait for you or not. I ask myself everyday, where did I go wrong. These have been the longest days and nights of my life because I don't know how to get through it all."

As I spoke with feigned calm, the tears welled up. Michael's expression turned to pity and that made me hate myself even more. He glanced toward the interior of the house and back at me.

"Don't humiliate yourself anymore. When are you going to learn to be strong, Heloyse? Don't make me hurt you any more than I've already hurt you."

"I need to know. I still can't understand. You said there was only you and me in this world and now I'm alone. You said you wanted a family with me and so I dedicated nine years of my life to you. I'm humbling myself for an explanation, because I can't take it anymore. I need to take action, move on, and I can't because I need to know what made him change his mind. Why did you leave me? What did I do?"

He came towards me and stopped in front of me. I could almost feel his breath. I could almost touch him. I waited so long, looking forward to those steps. I wanted to see him come up to me and say that nothing has changed. For a moment I thought I was going to wake up from this nightmare and he was going to hug me and say "it's okay, I've always loved you".

"Go away. I need you to go. I know I made a mistake and you don't deserve it. You deserve someone good in your life, to give you all the love I couldn't give you. So, please, go away and forget about all this" - and then, he wiped away the tears that insisted on falling from my face.