A Starting Point

CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE - THE LAST TIME

Heloyse

Happiness? Where did she live?
Will had been away for four days and on the other days he visited me. He did everything to stay in the room when Cielo was there too. When she left, he would remain silent, staring somewhere outside the window. When I asked about the farm or anything else, he gave short answers.
Sometimes, I would pretend to be asleep and with my eyes half closed, I would watch him rub his eyes and take long breaths. At other times, believing I was asleep, Will would stroke my face or touch my hand.
When would I be happy and when would he heal all his wounds?
We were open wounds that hurt to be touched. There were words, gestures, memories... Everything around us seemed to make us fall in free fall.
It was one fall after another.
One blow after another.
One cut after another.
Ten days later, the doctor had discharged me.
Will insisted a few times, but I didn't want to go to his house. I stayed with Sky.
Every day I cried and she comforted me.
— Sky...
"Crying again, dear?"
"Why doesn't he come?"
She pulled a chair close to mine and sat next to me.
"What did I do to make him walk away from me?"
- You did not do anything. But, he thinks he did. Just the fact that he hurt you and you had problems with the pregnancy was enough for him to blame himself.
“But it wasn't his fault. I shouldn't have stayed behind. Where was I thinking when I decided to do that? It was all my fault.
“Neither of them was to blame. The only one to blame for everything was Johnson. And yesterday he was here to see her and I wouldn't let him. I also didn't let him see her when he was in the hospital. He's not a bad guy, it's just that when he's angry, he doesn't mince words. And that's what ended up causing his accident.
I laid my head on her shoulder and cried. How it hurt to miss him.
Will sometimes didn't answer my calls and the other times, he always said he was busy and that when he had time, he would come see me.
And so the weeks went by.
During that time, it appeared three times. She didn't kiss me, she didn't touch me. She gave me medicine and told Cielo that if he needed anything, he didn't hesitate to talk to him.
He gave a "see you later" and when I told him I loved him, he stopped with his hand on the doorknob, parted his lips and said "be well", closing the door behind him.

🇧🇷

A month passed before Cielo let me go somewhere alone.
I walked a little with a limp, because although I didn't break my legs in the impact of the car, I had some bruises and sore muscles.
I put a hat on my head and put on my boots.
I had stopped at the coffee shop. After the accident, I needed to be on complete rest. I went back to the other farmhouse, where all my stuff was.
Now, I needed to see him.
A white car stopped near the gate and I stopped a few meters before, waiting for the person to reveal himself. To my complete surprise, Johnson got out, walked around the car, stopped and shoved his hands in his pockets, visibly embarrassed.
I walked some more until I got closer.
"What do you want here?"
He took a few steps forward and looked at the floor.
“I want to apologize.
He put his hand on the gate and I took a step back.
“Don't come near.
“Lisy, I'm not a bad person. I never meant for that to happen and I recognize that it was all my fault. I should have stayed away. Anyway, I'm not like that.
"It's too late now, don't you think?"
He looked away and was silent for a few seconds. When he looked back at me, he had a wet glint in his eyes.
— During these days, I saw him. He was drunk.
Calvin went over to pick him up from the bar.
"Will, drunk?"
- Yea. Being able to hear everything he said while being carried. And that's when I understood how stupid I was. I had accusing him of assaulting you. I used his past to get at him because all I wanted was to hurt him. I was blind that day. What he suffered in childhood is something extremely painful for a child. He lost his parents, loved ones and a son who would have been born in the future, if I hadn't provoked all that. You are suffering from all this, thanks to me. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I needed to say that I need it and that I'm sorry for everything. I know this isn't going to change things, but I needed to come.
I remained silent looking at him for a while. He smiled sadly, shook his head discreetly and took the first steps to leave.
When he got close to the driver's door, I walked a little faster and called out to him.
I opened the gate and walked closer.
"I accept your pardon."
And after a faint smile and a "goodbye," Johnson got in his car and drove away.
It didn't take a lot of words. With so much pain accumulated, I didn't need more pain to carry. It still hurt when I thought that he provoked Will, but we are so human and so susceptible to doing stupid things. We were human and that alone was reason enough for us to make mistakes.
I believed from the bottom of my heart that your request was sincere. And even though I said I forgave him, my intention was to make him feel good. I still had a trace of pain. But I didn't want to carry the weight of hurt inside me.
I went back to close the gate and went to the O'Connor farm.
Joseph wasn't there to open the gate, so I pressed the button at the entrance and waited until someone spoke.
- May I help?
Eva had visited me during those days.
— Hi, Eve. Will is there?
It took her a while to respond.
"What are you doing here, dear?"
“I came to see Will.
“He's not.
— Please, Eva, don't lie to me, I know he's there. I saw him in the pasture.
"Honey, I think it's better...
“If you don't let me in, I'll turn around and go across the river.
“Okay, come in. And I want you to know that despite everything, he still loves you.
- Thanks.
— Well... He's at the stud farm.
I missed you so much, that even in pain, I rushed the steps.
A slight dread settled in my chest as I approached the stable. My heart was racing, so I took a deep breath and walked out the stable until I reached the stud farm.
He was sitting on the fence, looking straight ahead intently. Mary showed her hands and he smiled.
He smiled at her! I haven't seen her smile in a long time. A twinge of pain and jealousy took hold of my heart and, instead of going there, I thought of just running.
Will glanced my way as Mary spoke. She turned her head wondering what had caught his attention.
I turned my body and started to take the first hurried steps. I felt ridiculous when my legs ached, making it difficult for me to walk.
— Heloise!
I needed to get out of there. My face couldn't disguise the disgust that scene caused me.
I stumbled and when I thought I was going to fall, his hands grabbed me by the waist.
"Calm down, Lisy," he said softly.
I had my back pressed against his abdomen and he wrapped me tightly with his lips close to my ear.
I pulled out of his grip and looked at him with all the resentment written on my face.
"I thought I was done with this shit you guys had."
“We had nothing before and we don't have it now.
"So they're close friends?" How moving!
“It's not like that at all, Lisy. The news travels. She just came to see how I was doing. She found out about her pregnancy. Josh, Mary's boss, has a sister who works at the hospital.
"So she came to comfort you?" And where would they go next? To your room, or would it be on top of the hay in the stable?
— That was low, Heloyse. Stop seeing things where there isn't. Besides, she is engaged to a minister in the neighboring town.
"And the fact that she's getting married is so funny that the two of you are exchanging laughs?"
I didn't laugh, I smiled politely when she showed her ring. There is a big difference.
"Did you know what she wanted, or did you let her in even though you knew she might have come out of interest in you?"
“She said she wanted to talk, to see if I was okay. I already said.
I looked to the left, a little behind him, and saw her, watching.
“Either she fakes it well, or you're one hell of an asshole. You don't stay with me anymore, we barely spoke and you smiled at her. I don't have her smile anymore. I missed her while you were here rejoicing with her. I thought maybe you were feeling mine too.
- And I was.
"You show it well," I said with bitterness in my voice.
Will placed his hands on his hips, appearing to study something in his mind. He ran a hand over his face, where a few strands of his beard were beginning to show.
— Heloyse, I swear I'm telling the truth. And she's happy about the engagement and I think it's an opportunity for her to become a better person. If you saw how much she has changed. From the way they dress, to the way they speak. He awakened something good in her. It makes her feel loved and happy.
"Are you sure you're talking about her?" I want to know about us, Will. Don't we deserve to be happy or to feel loved?
“You got to the point. Her fiance makes her change for the better every day. I do this with you? He makes her feel loved. Do you feel loved, Heloyse? If yes, why so many tears? And if everything between us is good, why do we live as if at one time or another, something bad was going to happen? I'm used to being alone and you're not. I'm also tired of always worrying about whether I'm going to make her cry or not. I have to keep checking myself, trying not to say something that would hurt her feelings. And where are we going to stop with this relationship? Do you see something up ahead? I do not see.
“None of us can see the future, Will. We have to keep going until we get there.
— The future is a consequence of the then and the now.
- I do not agree. We can change the course of things. We can build the future we want, or at least try to.
“Then build your future without me.
"Are you saying that..."
— That we are good, one away from the other.
I couldn't cry. Not at that moment. Not while Mary was there and he was kicking me out of her life.
“Bad things happen to everyone. Maybe even more with other people. I know we have our pains and if it hurts, it's because we're alive. Aren't you tired of living like this, alone? don't have von
tired of being happy? Haven't you been happy with me in no time?
- Yes I went.
"Then why walk away?"
–– Because I am a man who lives alone and I like that. And even though I feel something for you, I'm lonely. My mind is never here. It is always some time away from "now". And I don't want to suffer anymore, Heloyse. I am immensely tired. I just want the wounds I already had, I don't need new ones. With you, I collect new ones. Count how many times I made her cry. And those times made me suffer too. And remember when I said horrible words? I suffered too. And when there was the accident, when I found out about the pregnancy and everything, that was the highlight. These are things that will stay inside and won't go away. What else can happen? You wanna pay to see, sunshine? And then, who will pay the bill? You and I? I do not want it anymore. I don't want to continue with this.
"Hold on... Hold on..." I repeated to myself.
“Will, it wasn't your fault. I know you're finding reasons to pull away from me, but deep down, you're just afraid of hurting me again. You are not going. We can get through this, together...
— You cannot overcome my pain, Heloyse. They're just mine. I've been putting up with them for years and I've tried to change, I swear I have. I even became someone's boyfriend, didn't I? I reached that level. I just can't do more than that. Me, even though I'm with you, I still live with my demons in my head. I'm always distant. Like Johnson said, I never take her out. In fact, I don't do anything to please you. I'm taking the place of someone who could give you a normal life. What do I have to offer? Cash? Only that! You, one day would want to get married and maybe I would. But, would you want to have kids and when they called me that damn word, I would feel all those sensations in my body and what kind of... of a father would I be?
"A loving father who...
— My God, who guarantees?
"If you wanted, I would help you." Let's face this, together. I could accompany you to some therapy...
“Therapy doesn't solve it. Do you think I didn't have a load of psychologists in my childhood? I'm not going to waste my time talking about the fucked up childhood I had to a stranger. Stop with that, please! Leave me alone, Heloise. I want you to go away now!
“Another goodbye.”
I was giving it my all, making every effort not to cry. I don't know how long it would last.
"Okay... I understand... I understand..." I said, my voice a little shaky.
“I can't go on with this. And I promise this is the last time I hurt you. Never again will you suffer for the things I could cause.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out the chain with the gold medallion.
“You dropped this. I found it under the bed. He looked at the locket for a few seconds and put it in his pocket, while I continued to stand and control the storm to come.
The times we talked, he had said his mother's name and then, I remembered the letter "A" that the medallion carried.
All this time I kept forgetting to give it to him. Now he had it. I handed over the locket and he handed over my heart, broken into a thousand pieces.
— Goodbye, Heloise.
I nodded, letting out a breath of air.
I took a few quick steps towards him and hugged him. He was taken aback and hugged me awkwardly.
"If it was a girl, I would have called her Angelini," I said, my voice starting to crack.
But this time, I wouldn't beg for love. And as much as I loved him more than I ever thought I would, I wouldn't beg. I had already learned the lesson.
I walked away, leaving him staring somewhere.
Nina Simone(15) once said that you have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served.
I did this with Michael. I withdrew, even though it took me a while to understand. I withdrew and now, I was doing it with Will. I was withdrawing, again.
That was the last time we spoke.

(15)Nina Simone: She was a pianist, singer, songwriter and activist for the civil rights of black Americans.