A Starting Point

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE- IF I WERE YOU, I WOULD NOT LOVE MYSELF

Heloyse

When I woke up, it was already dark.
I got up with my body so sore, like I'd been beaten. I went to the bathroom to wash my face. I actually dragged myself there. In the mirror, I saw someone totally defeated. It was me there, alone, once again.
I washed my face and went to my room. My insides hurt so much, as if my heart had been ripped out. I needed to react. I just didn't know how.
So I took off the first outfit I saw in my closet. This was nothing more than a pair of jeans, any white shirt and any jacket. I put on some shoes and grabbed the truck keys.
In the city, the streets were busy. I looked for a place to park. I stopped at Duran's Club, a nightclub next to Johnson's restaurant. The bar was crowded and I took a seat near the counter.
That night, I would forget everything, for once. That night, I wouldn't care about anything.
The bartender approached and I was torn between a Kamikase and a Wild Turkey. I took the second option.
Some guys were sitting at a table, looking at me. One of them smiled and raised his glass in greeting. I did the same and downed all my whiskey, looking unfriendly. A few girls arrived and joined the group of guys.
And there I was, alone.
I asked the bartender for another shot.
'Things not going well?' the bartender asked me, refilling my glass with another shot of whiskey.
“They're never okay. As far as I'm concerned, nothing's okay.
— Well, I think getting drunk doesn't solve things very much.
"And who told you I came to get drunk?"
- Nobody! I've been working on this for years. I know people like you. They arrive alone, order whiskey, repeat the dose, stare at some point in this bar and a few hours later, they are crying and venting.
'Well, my dear sir,' I said, shaking my empty whiskey glass, 'I assure you I am not those people. Now, fill my cup and leave me alone. And know that I never vent to strangers.
Half an hour later, I was pouring out with teary eyes, telling Ralf the bartender how I felt when someone turned me down.
“No, Lisy, you're not incapable. These guys are incapable of making a woman as beautiful as you happy.
“They seem to want me and then they leave. They don't want me.” I wiped my eyes. “Michael seemed to love me. He pretended for nine years. What about Will? During these months, he can count on his fingers when we saw each other, kissed. And when we kiss, it's weird. It's like my heart stopped and his too. It seems that I mess with him so much that he doesn't know how to deal with the situation. And so, I end up thinking that this guy is in love with me, but then he makes it clear that I am a mistake in his life.
- Do you know what I think? That you should show him what he's been missing.
- Like? Making jealous?
- Maybe!
- With whom? Like you?
“No, my dear. I wouldn't do that even if they paid me. I'm allergic to women.
"Uh, are you gay?"
-- Of course! he said, putting a hand on his hip.
“Well, now I see.
He rolled his eyes and I laughed.
At midnight, Ralf said goodbye to me, wishing me good luck. I'd taken a break from the drink during the hour we'd been talking, even so I felt a little dizzy.
The people were all euphoric, dancing. Some with drinks in their hands, others dancing and singing along to the music.
I looked at the other bartender and asked for a shot of anything else that had alcohol in it. The bartender looked at my face with a frown and poured me a shot of daiquiri. Daiquiri and whiskey would definitely not make a good mix.
The daiquiri went down my throat and I felt a little dizzy. I did not care.
I got off the bench where I was. For a minute, I thought I was going to hit the floor. My legs felt like Jell-O, my head did a quick spin and I barely felt my body.
I walked over to where people were dancing and started dancing too. I was never good at it. I closed my eyes and did something like a dance until I felt hands wrap around my waist. When I opened my eyes and turned around, Johnson was looking at me with a smile.
“Johnson? Hey! I gave him a hug, showing how happy I was to see someone I knew there.
“Hey, girl! he said, releasing me from the hug. - What are you doing here? Who did you come with?
- With nobody. I was bored and decided to take a walk.
We had to talk close to each other's ear. The music noise was a little loud and we could barely hear each other.
Johnson smiled, took my hand and led me to the bar.
"Two Cosmopolitans, please!" he asked the bartender, then turned his attention to me. - You are very pretty.
“Don't be a liar. I grabbed the first outfit I saw.
“So, let's say you got the kick right.
- Maybe! I said smiling.
— Thom and Cielo, would not approve of your coming here.
“Well, they went to Jeremy's house for lunch. But, I already knew that maybe they slept there. Thom wasn't sure, but it was very likely.
"Why did you come?" I mean... Why would a woman take the first outfit out of her closet, she would come to a bar, alone, not knowing anyone, order whiskey and daiquiri?
- How do you know?
“I've seen it all, Lisy. I was sitting a few meters behind you. I didn't come to keep you company, because I thought you were with someone. Afterwards, some friends stopped me and I stayed chatting for a while. You were in a lively conversation with Ralph and I didn't want to interrupt. But you didn't say why you came. Came to forget someone or something?
"As if a bar would make us forget anything."
“When you're drunk, anything's possible.
— Apparently everyone is an expert in deciphering my life, when I decide to drink.
“I don't want you to think I'm second guessing your life, Lisy, but I wonder if this isn't all about forgetting O'Connor.
“Well, my life just turned around.” I took a sip of my Cosmopolitan and looked away from Johnson.
Was he right. Shit!
“I only want you well. That guy sucks and you're so... My God, you're beautiful. So nice, sweet, and I don't want him to hurt her.
“I don't understand what all this is about.
“You know how I feel.
“No, I don't know! — I preferred to pretend I didn't know.
Johnson took my hand. I pulled it out and took one last sip of my drink.
“I'm in love with you, Lisy. And I would never make you sad.
"Stop, Johnson...
“I fell in love from the moment I saw her.
- He arrives! I said in an altered voice.
"Could be you", I thought.
- Let's Dance?
He looked at me for a few seconds with a sad face and then he gave the most embarrassed smile anyone could give. He took my hand and led me to where the sound was loudest, where the beats were loud.
The moving lights didn't let anyone see my sad face. And due to drinking, I no longer felt my body.
Johnson danced with me and at times he hugged me, but I always managed to get out of his embrace.
Soon, I had already joined a group dancing wildly with their glasses of drinks. I would flash fake smiles and no one would notice because they were all involved in their own drinking. The only one still firmly sober was Johnson.
I was drunk and still conscious of what I was doing. It wasn't quite what I wanted. When I thought about reacting, that's not what I had in mind. Getting drunk wasn't in my plans.
I would look at Johnson and wonder why I wasn't interested in him. He was so kind. Why after Michael, did I have to want Will? Why wasn't Johnson?
I pulled him by the arm and led him close to the bar. I was seized by an impulse and launched myself at him. I put my lips on his and kissed him.
Johnson wrapped his arms around me and kissed me back. At some point he said "you're drunk, Lisy", but I didn't listen. I pressed my lips to his again and kissed him again. It was a good thing, like trying a cake and liking it.
Unlike Will's kiss, which was like an addictive substance.
Our lips parted.
Johnson looked at me so passionately, it bothered me a little. We held each other for a few seconds and that's when I saw him.
Will was standing a few feet away from us, leaning against the counter. Patsy was beside him, whispering something in his ear. I continued hugging Johnson, but with my gaze fixed on Will. Our eyes spoke silently. One facing the other.
Then Johnson took my face in both hands and kissed me again. I reciprocated.
"I still can't believe it," he said after finishing the kiss. "I'm afraid this is happening because you've been drinking." But, I wanted to believe that tomorrow, you'll still want me.
— Johnson...
Will got up, took Patsy's hand and said something close to her ear. She laughed and so did he.
He wore black jeans, a black shirt unbuttoned at the neck and shoes, the same color. The most interesting thing is that he had his hair in a bun and, like the other times, he wore a black cord around his neck.
"Damn sexy", I thought.
He walked past us and didn't even look at me.
Johnson had his back turned and didn't see him pass.
Patsy smiled devilishly at me and together they went dancing.
If that asshole thought I would suffer for him, he was wrong. I pulled Johnson onto the dance floor. I wanted to show him that his presence didn't affect me.
"Let the games begin(11).
Our partners had their backs to each other, but he and I could see each other.
It was so sensual to watch him dance. The way he moved his body seemed to be something bordering on perfection. He dominated all space. Any environment was small when he was present.
Two women approached and with their hands on his abdomen, swaying sensually. Oh, how I wanted to kill them... How I wanted to kill him.