"what the fuck." ashton muttered.
"yeah, i know, but it's okay. i probably deserve it." i whispered as i held tightly onto midnight.
"no one deserves that level of humiliation." ashton spoke softly as he walked closer.
"can i just be alone tonight please? i'm embarrassed." i spoke as i turned away from him.
"oh, of course. goodnight love. our doors are open if you need to talk." ashton replied softly as he walked out of my room and shut the door.
i sat there are cried for a couple minutes before passing out in my bed.
i woke up a couple hours later and saw it was 3 am. i walked into the restroom and saw how terrible i actually looked.
i had huge bags under my eyes and dried tears on my cheeks. i looked hideous.
i just wanted to be enough for mom. i couldn't now that she knew how flawed i really was.
i reached inside a tiny drawer and dug out a lighter that i hid when i first arrived.
i grabbed it out and paused. usually i would smoke, but i didn't have any ciggy's or any place to let the smoke out.
TRIGGER WARNING
i slowly lit the light and brought it to my forearm.
it hurt, but i loved it.
i did it 3 more times before hiding the lighter away and walking back to my room.
i laid down and midnight laid next to me and i slowly drifted back to sleep.
i woke up the next morning with my arm burning and i looked down to see the burns were red and raw.
i quickly stood up and ran to the bathroom and put my arm under water. cold water. it brought instant relief.
i needed gauze, but i didn't have any.
i quickly pulled on a long sleeve and walked out of the room. i shouldn't have done this.
"hey? you're up early." a voice spoke from behind me once i got downstairs.
i spun around and saw michael there in scrubs.
"you have surgery?" i asked as i subconsciously clutched my arm to my chest.
"you're arm okay?" he asked changing the subject completely.
"yep." i spoke quickly as i lowered it to my side.
it stung so fucking bad.
"you sure?" he spoke cautiously.
"definitely." i confirmed with a tiny fake smile.
i saw the hesitation in his eyes as he nodded slowly.
"okay, if you say so. you can always talk to us if you need." michael spoke quickly before more feet came running downstairs.
"ready to go?" ashton asked as he smiled at me.
i nodded stiffly and we went off to the hospital.
all of the boys were busy that morning. luke had a consultation, ashton had an appointment, michael had a surgery, and calum has an appointment.
i went to go sit in mom's room to see she was in a pretty decent mood.
"hey? you're in a good mood." i spoke with a tiny smile.
"i moved up on the transplant list! they said i am most likely going to get a heart in time." mom smiled brightly.
"congratulations!" i smiled as i ran to give her a hug.
"i never would have gotten this opportunity if we didn't come here. i'm going to live baby." mom smiled brightly as she hugged me back.
"then we can go back to australia?" i asked quickly.
"well, i moved everything over here love and can definitely find employment here, so i don't know. it hasn't been decided yet." mom whispered.
i stared at her blankly.
"okay, that's fine i understand." i mumbled quickly with a tiny smile.
"good thank you." mom sighed as she laid back down.
the day went by pretty quickly. nothing special happened. i snuck a piece of gauze into my pocket so that i could wrap my arm up tonight. luke came in during rounds and everything was perfectly normal until we started to head home.
i was walking back towards the car with luke when a car came speeding around the corner.
luke grabbed me by the arm exactly where the burns were and i yelped in a mixture of pain and surprise.
"jesus, he shouldn't have a license." luke muttered as he helped me keep my balance.
"you okay? i didn't tug on your arm that hard?" luke pointed out.
"i-i'm sorry. that just scared the shit out of me. it was a surprised sound." i lied as i stared at him.
"fair enough. i probably would scream too." he shrugged as we continued towards the car.
ashton, michael, and calum were already in the car when we hopped in to drive home.
as soon as we arrived, i excused myself to go shower and i did. i took the gauze out of my pocket and wrapped it tightly around my arm.
i pulled on a loose hoodie and sweats before heading downstairs on the couch.
i was sitting there peacefully when luke ran up quietly from behind me and scared the shit out of me.
i flew up and flung a pillow at his face, which he easily caught.
"oh my lord, you scared me." i spoke with a slight glare.
he didn't respond.
i didn't even notice my sleeve had gone up revealing the gauze.
i followed his eyes directly too it before i quickly pulled my sleeve down and started to book it upstairs.
i slammed my door shut and locked it before i heard soft knocks and pleading from luke to let him in.
i couldn't care less, i just needed to be alone right now.
"indigo, love, please open the door." luke stressed as he knocked from the other side.
"no."
