I remember one day freshman year when I was sitting alone at a table, got up and saw Chloe and Paige with all their friends, walking down the halls. It was the day I got moved in Science. It was another day and I say I wished I was like that. And now, I sort of am.
I have my group of friends who know I didn't try to kill myself. But somehow that got into everyone else's head. And that's why I wasn't there. But the people whose opinions I care about know why I was at my dad's. And now we all walk the halls, laughing, joking, living. I finally feel like I'm in those "best years of your life".
But, it's March before I know what hit me.
And I'm slowly going to lose a lot in another...5 months. Give or take.
Half of my friends in that group were seniors. And they all have things to do this summer to prepare for college.
One day, it's weirdly warm out, and by warm I mean 45 degrees. Winters here suck...whatever. Me and Tyler decide to take a walk, puddles of melting snow everywhere.
Tyler: So how much do I have to help you with homework? Since, you know, I don't have any.
Me: You never do it anyways.
Tyler: I did enough to qualify for sports.
Me: Coach is probably less ready for you to graduate than I am. I've had practice.
I mean it as a joke, but Tyler doesn't find it funny. For my sake. Which irritates me. He stops us.
Tyler: You're already worrying about that?
Me: You're not?
Tyler: Only because I have to. I don't want you worrying about that. We still have-
Me: Not really worrying. Just prepared.
Tyler: I don't want you like that.
Me: It's not really a bad thing. Yes I still will be upset but-
Tyler: But, I don't want you thinking like that. That you'll just be just fine.
Me: I just said I'll be upset! That won't help you either. And I was saying I was prepared. I know what's coming. Which makes it a little easier.
Tyler: Fine, whatever. Just...I don't want that being all you focus on. Enjoy all the time we still have. Which is like 5 and a half months.
He pulls me closer, kissing my head. I wrap my arms around him, and we stay like that for some time.
Tyler: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
5 and a half months turns to 3 months, and the summer days slowly disappear.
It's August when it finally hits me that I can't avoid thinking about the future. I cry myself to sleep a couple times, but I don't let Tyler know about it.
The day before Tyler leaves I'm at his house, of course, helping him pack up the last few things left. His room isn't empty by any means, but it isn't the same. I'm zipping up a suitcase when I realize this.
Tyler: You're being really quiet.
Me: Whoops.
He comes behind me his hands reaching into my view as he intertwines my fingers with his.
Me: I haven't finished zipping the suitcase yet.
Tyler: I don't care.
He turns me around and presses his lips to mine, unexpectedly. I push his chest so he stops.
Me: What are you doing?
Tyler: I'm not gonna get to do this for a long time.
Me: What time do you leave?
Tyler: I'm out of here at 7 tomorrow morning.
Me: Taking out an estimated 2 hours of distractions, we have 15 hours to do that.
Tyler: Well I want to now.
He runs his fingers along my side, pushing the hem of my shirt up so he touches my skin.
Who am I kidding? All I want I do is kiss him.
I grip his arms as he kisses me. He holds me, almost restrictingly, as if he won't let me go ever. I don't want him to anyways.
When whoever distraction #1 comes knocking at his door, Tyler pulls me towards it. He just leans me against the wood, ignoring the knocking.
When the knocking becomes louder, I force myself to break the kiss.
Tyler opens the door after shifting me out of the way.
Jessie: Look I know u two are busy making out but Mom needs you to get your stuff from downstairs.
Tyler goes with Jessie while I finish zipping the suitcases and put them neatly by his closet door.
~*~*~*~*~*~
It's dark outside, the day is coming to a close.
Nine hours left.
Tyler: You're gonna drive yourself crazy.
Me: The faster I go to sleep, the faster I wake up, and-
Tyler: The faster you come over here the faster you can be comforted.
Me: I don't need-
Tyler: Just get over here.
I turn and walk slowly to him.
Tyler: Stop thinking about tomorrow. Stop getting into the thinking that you'll never see me for the next nine months.
Me: I have to think about it sometime.
Tyler: Sometime isn't right now. Know the difference.
Me: But-
Tyler: Shh. Don't work yourself up.
He pushes me a little, the backs of my knees against the edge of the mattress. His arms hold me upright.
Tyler: Just enjoy your senior year, alright?
Me: I will I promise. But without you it'll be weird. I told you I had mental preparation already. Like forever ago.
Tyler: Now put it in play.
Me: Nine more hours until I have to.
Tyler: Fine.
Something else crosses my mind.
Me: What about next year?
Tyler: What do you mean?
Me: When I leave. When I go do whatever the hell it is I want to do. I'll be farther than the 400 miles we'll be-
Tyler: 152.
Me: Then it will be like 400.
Tyler: So? We've survived it before.
Me: But we could always go see each other. It was a half hour at most.
Tyler: You went to New York. I couldn't just hop onto a plane and see you.
Me: Then what are we gonna do? It'll be another four years of barely seeing each other. And-
Tyler: 3. Minus summers and breaks. Wherever you go to school, I'll go over there once I graduate.
Me: No. Your plan was to go get a degree and help your mom out. You're coming home after four years.
Tyler: What are you saying?
Me: What if something happens?
Tyler: Like...I dunno. We fight or stop talking to each other or meet other people or-
Tyler: You wanna know what I did all those months you were gone? I missed you. I saved all those videos and pictures and looked at them all the time. You left a bag here and I let it sit on my desk so I could see it.
Me: It's not the same! It's not high school anymore! You're going to meet a million new people. And-
Tyler: That doesn't mean we have to break up. No matter what happens, you'll always be in my head, annoying the hell out of me.
I bring a small smile to my face, but doesn't lessen my worries.
Me: Promise?
He takes my hands, squeezing them.
Tyler: This is my promise.
He pushes me onto the bed, kissing me. I wrap my arms around him, and I feel his hands against my skin where my shirt rides up. His hands shift again, going completely under my shirt. And before I know what I'm doing, I'm pulling his off.
I'm not in control of my actions. It's like my brain shut off. Only one thought for the rest of the night crosses my mind:
I somehow knew I would never leave high school a virgin.
YOU ARE READING
To Be a Broken Smile (sequel to Tumbling Down - DM Fanfic)
Fanfiction***SEQUEL TO TUMBLING DOWN*** Mackenzie Ziegler finally put a stop to the text messages that ruined her year. Maddie and Kayla have been sent away, and it is all perfect. Or so she seems. What she first thought was just a coincidence, turns out to b...
