To Be a Broken Smile (sequel to Tumbling Down - DM Fanfic)

Diagnosis (Ch.32)

Mom: Are you cold, honey?

I nod, continuing to watch the tiles on the hospital floor. Mom drapes her sweater around my shoulders. I button the top part so it stays on.

I hear someone call "Anyone for Mackenzie Ziegler". The doctor. Me, Mom, and Dad stand up. Another man comes up behind him as well.

Doctor: I'm Dr.Dreves. This is the social worker who has been assigned your case, Dr.Parks.

"Social worker assigned our case?" Doesn't that only happen when people die? Or are going to die?

Suddenly, I blurt:

Me: Is Mackenzie gonna die?!
Dr.Dreves: Very unlikely. But let's talk in Dr.Parks's office.

We all venture down a hall to a small little office. Too small for five people. Two behind a desk, three in front of it.

Dr.Parks: So I must firstly ask, what happened?
Mom and Dad: I don't know I-
Me: I found her, in her room, on the floor, bleeding.

The doctor is about to say something else, when a nurse interrupts.

Nurse: Dr.Dreves, your needed in Bay 1.
Dr.Dreves: Excuse me.

He leaves. Once all the basic stuff is out of the way, Dr.Parks starts asking for more in depth answers.

"Did you know about her cutting?"
"Is there a reason for her cutting?"
"Was there something that maybe sent her over the edge?"
"Has she been away from home for a long time where something could have happened?
"What was she like when she came home?"
"Has anything been going on in recent time other than that that caused a change in her behavior?"
...and so on.

All of these I can answer, but all of them I don't.

Dad: Maddie.

I look up.

Dad: You would know more than we do.

I shrug.

Dr.Parks: Would it be okay if I talked to your daughter alone?

No. Anything but that.

They nod and excuse themselves.

Dr.Parks: So, Maddie.
Me: Don't psych evaluate me. I'm not depressed or crazy or anything so don't go all therapist on me.

I'm never snippy to adults I've just met. This is all foreign to me. I nearly apologize.

Dr.Parks: What makes you think I'm a therapist?
Me: How many "social workers" have "Dr." as their title?
Dr.Parks: Quite a few, actually. But don't worry. At most, I bet your just shocked and upset. Not psych evaluation needed for that.

I don't nod or say yes or anything.

Dr.Parks: Anything you say here stays between us and Mackenzie and her diagnosis. Alright? None of it has to feed back to your parents.

I nod this time.

Dr.Parks: So will you talk to me?
Me(quietly): I guess.
Dr.Parks: That's a start. So do you know of any reasons she may have been acting differently? Other than this Broadway adventure?
Me: Me.
Dr.Parks: You?
Me: Yes! It was me! I used to be friends with this girl and she didn't like my sister and I was hurt with a minor concussion at the time so the girl took advantage of me and got me to help her make fun of my sister and I let it happen and now Mackenzie won't talk to me at all and I know she's upset it I can't do anything about it because of what I did!

I feel tears on my cheeks but don't wipe them. Dr.Parks doesn't react to any of my outburst except for handing me a box of tissues.

Dr.Parks: Did you stop when you realized it was wrong?
Me: Yes. No. A little. I didn't wanna get hurt too but then just decided I didn't care so I stopped. She still hates me though so it doesn't matter.
Dr.Parks: I'm sure your sister doesn't hate you.
Me: She does! This was over a year ago and it still hasn't helped anything. And tonight or last night or whatever I heard the door slam to her room but just blew it off thinking it was my dad but Mackenzie wasn't supposed to be home but I just knew it was her and if I wouldn't gotten up from my stupid computer she wouldn't be here now!
Dr.Parks: You know if you wouldn't have gotten up at all she wouldn't even be alive.
Me: But I still-
Dr.Parks: You have no reason to be guilty. But you must tell me: Did anything that you know of happen to Mackenzie while she was gone in New York?
Me: No. Ask Chloe Lukasiak about anything that happened in New York.
Dr.Parks: How about anything recently? Within the past couple of weeks.
Me: Her and her boyfriend had a fight. I don't know if they broke up or not but I remember they were fighting.
Dr.Parks: About?
Me: I dunno. I was mentioned. They were mostly just calling each other out on things.
Dr.Parks: Sounds pretty healthy if you ask me.
Me: Huh?
Dr.Parks: Sometimes it's good in a relationship to get stuff off your chest. Usually in anger, but it's good to get that out.

He continues asking questions, me answering to the best of my ability.

We still can't figure out why Mackenzie came home.

Maybe Hannah knows.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Hannah: She told me her boyfriend and her broke up because apparently she's clingy and annoying or something and he's an ass. She sent me a text last night saying she felt sick and went home.
Dr.Parks: And you know nothing else.

Hannah nods.

We leave the office to sit back in the waiting room, but Dr.Dreves stops us.

Dr.Dreves: She's awake.

*Mackenzie's POV*

The first thing I register is pain. In my head, down my right arm.

I open my eyes and its bright. Too bright.

I bring my not-hurting arm over my face when I hear people come in the room. The lights dim a little so I can look around.

Where am I?

I go to sit up, but a doctor comes over quickly, pushing my shoulder back down.

Doctor: No, no, no. Your blood pressure is still too low.
Me: Why am I here?
Doctor: Mackenzie, you don't remember last night?
Me: No. Well...I remember being at Hannah's, leaving...

And they can't know the rest.

Me: ...and that's about it. Did I faint or something?
Doctor: Something like that.
Me: What do you mean?
Doctor: If you'll excuse me.

He leaves. I don't even know his name.

Not so much as a minute later, Maddie and Hannah are coming through the door.

Me: I don't want her in here.
Doctor: She has legal right to be in here. And she saved your life. So be nice.

Saved my life?

Me: What am I doing here?

Someone else walks in. Another doctor.

Doctor 2: Do you recognize this?

I look to see what he is holding. It's grey and red.

My razor.

Me: No.
Doctor 2: You're sure?
Me: Yes...? Why?
Doctor 1: Because last night you were found unconscious bleeding out with this razor blade to blame.
Me: Weird.

The doctors look at each other.

Doctor 2: Yeah, weird.

They leave.

*Maddie's POV*

Dr.Parks: She's in denial.
Dad: Denial? Of what?
Dr.Parks: All of it, really. She thinks if she can lie her way out of the cutting, the emotions of anger, loneliness, sadness, that it will go away. And nobody will remember and she can go back to hiding.

Everyone gets quiet. I find the courage to speak up.

Me: You'll get help for my sister, right?
Dr.Parks: I can't get her to do anything. But because she is a minor, you two can make her go to things such as one-on-one conferences with me or other therapists, support groups, other things.

Mom and Dad nod.

Dr.Parks: Here's a pamphlet. It has different services for kids like Mackenzie.

They both look it over for a second.

Mom: She's depressed?
Dr.Parks: Well I haven't fully examined her yet but I think I already know. She seems rather sleep deprived, she's hiding her feelings, which can only be sadness or loneliness, she's obviously cut herself, more than once, sh-
Me: More than once?!
Dr.Parks: Oh yes. She has old healing scars underneath the new ones. Have you noticed her wearing long sleeves frequently?

I think back.

Me: She wears sweatshirts but she always said she was cold.
Dr.Parks: Precisely. But, nobody just around would notice that to be a problem.

Oh god. Why didn't I see that?!

Whether he says it's okay for me or not, I still feel guilt.

*Mackenzie's POV*

I'm finally able to sit up, and I get food, but it's disgusting and tasteless.

I barely eat any of it.