My Only Sunshine

Chapter 33

Beep. Beep. Beep. Fucking annoying. My eyes slowly opened and I saw as many club members that could fit in this hospital room. Jax sat beside my bed, hunched over, holding my hand. Donna and Opie sat on the other side closer to the wall.

Chibs sat beside them. Happy sat by the door with Juice on the other side of the door. Gemma sat beside Jax.

All of them were sound asleep. This meant they weren't going to leave me alone as much as I wanted them to. I laid there, unmoving, wishing things were different. Wishing Jax didn't just toss me away like I was nothing.

Gemma was the first to wake up, she noticed I was awake immediately. "Guys!" She woke them up which annoyed me to no end.

All of the guys groaned as they woke up. They were probably sore from the chairs they slept in. Donna threw herself at me and hugged me. "I'm so sorry Hadley!" I felt wetness on my neck and realized she was crying.

"Don't worry about me." I stated, shrugging.

"I do worry. All of the time." Donna said softly as she pulled away. I shrugged again.

"You can all go home." I stated as I shifted in my bed. 

"Look, you have every right to be upset with Jax and I, but we're not going anywhere Hadley. Never again." Donna was beating herself up for me getting raped. I knew she shouldn't but I didn't stop her. 

"Do you even understand the amount of pain both of you caused? I am alone again because of your fucking choices! I didn't ask to be abandoned again, just when I thought things were going to be okay. I let you see me, the real me, and I begged you not to fucking throw me away and you did. So, just leave. Don't be like David and Jacob and keep bothering me." Donna and Jax looked hurt but they hurt me first so, both of them left. Everyone else stayed. I was shocked. 

"Why aren't you guys leaving? I just threw out your VP?" I questioned.

"We're not leaving you. Not everyone wants to leave you." Opie stated. I rolled my eyes. 

"Yeah sure. I'll be alone at some point in the near future." I shrugged and laid back down and closed my eyes. I just wanted to be left alone, which made absolutely no sense because I wanted Jax and Donna back. Everything had fallen apart. I had brought this onto myself. I thought they were different. That's a mistake I won't make again. As time passed, I waited for everyone to leave, even if it was one at a time. No one moved. 

"I really appreciate that you guys are staying with me. You guys have no idea how much that means to me." Chibs, Happy, Juice, Opie, and Gemma nodded. 

"We're not going anywhere." Opie said which everyone nodded to. 

"We got your back." Happy said. I sat up and motioned him over. He furrowed his brows but sat in the chair next to me. "What's up?" 

"Can you ask Jax to come back here." He raised his eyebrow but nodded. As I thought of Jax, I remembered his reaction to finding me laying there, bloodied and broken. He was in the most distress I had ever seen him in. He cared, he just had a shitty way of showing it. I wasn't giving him a free pass, I just needed someone to wrap their arms around me. Someone I'd feel safe with. 

About 20 minutes later, him and Donna came back in. "Can I have a minute?" I asked everyone so I could have some time with Donna and Jax. Everyone shuffled out. 

"What's up?" Jax questioned softly. 

"I'm starting with Donna. I am not going to ever feel like trash again. If you make me feel that way, I will lash out at you. This isn't a free pass. You have a lot to do to win my trust back." She nodded but hugged me tightly. 

"You won't regret this Hadley." She walked out the door. 

"Jax, I gave you everything and you threw me away, but I watched your reaction to finding me. You were in the most distress I have every seen you in. I know you love me. You just have a shitty way of dealing with my issues. As much as I don't want to, I love you more than anything. Other than Abel. You have a long way to go. I need you to know that I'm not easy to deal with and I might try and push you away. I need you to not let me. My safe place is with you and after what just happened, I don't want to be away from you." I poured my heart out and he hugged me tightly. I let him. 

It didn't take long for everyone to walk back into the room and at that point, I was already almost falling asleep on him. I wanted to push him away, but he made me feel safe. As I was falling asleep, I heard everyone talking, they thought I fell asleep. Jax shifted around as I laid pretty much on top of him.

"Jax, you can't fuck this up anymore. You will lose her." Happy told him.

"I know man. I thought I was doing the right thing for Abel, but I wasn't." Jax sighed.

"Abel misses her." Gemma stated.

"So do Kenny and Ellie." Opie commented. I never realized I had meant so much to the kids.

"I did such a stupid fucking thing. My emotions got the better of me. I shouldn't have let it happen and I know that." Jax sighed.

I laid there thinking about everything. I knew he cared. I knew he loved me. I began to drift off as I contemplated my life. 

I was back on the disgusting bed, while they were in between raping me. One of them had my blood smeared on his legs from the stab wound. "I think she looks good bloodied and with her legs open." I had been too exhausted to close them. Weston smirked at me and began undoing his pants again and that was when I screamed this time, but my eyes opened and I was in the hospital room and I was still screaming. All of the guys were panicked and Gemma was shushing me. 

"Shhhhh, hunny, you're safe." Gemma cooed. I was still laying on Jax but I was holding onto him hard enough to leave bruises on him. 

"Darlin, I won't hurt you, I promise. You are safe here." Jax joined Gemma in calming me down. 

It all became overwhelming and I cursed myself for allowing this to get to me. "FUCK!" I cried out. 

"God damn it. I'm stronger than this." I sat up in the bed beside Jax, head in my hands. 

"It's going to take some time." Happy stated. 

"This shit is over when I get discharged from the hospital. He's fucking dead. And not one of you fuckers are taking this away from me." My voice was so crystal clear but Happy challenged me.

"You really think killing Weston is going to help?" 

"Yes. Then I know he can't ever fucking stick his dick where it doesn't belong, ever again." I snarled at him. 

"That's a fair argument." Juice piped up, trying to defuse the tension. 

"Yeah, it is, but can you handle taking a life?" Happy clapped back.

"I don't care if me ripping out his intestines haunts me for the rest of my already miserable life, I need to feel safe." Happy looked impressed for a hot minute before he dropped the subject. 

Jax wrapped his arms around me again and I instantly relaxed. He's the only man who has ever made me feel this safe. The club makes me feel safe, but not in the way that Jax does. I will be forever grateful for it.