Strange [h.s.]

Twenty

5 Months Later...

Ella Frazier

The sound of birds chirping slowly wake me up, the light shining through my sheer curtains only adding to the elements of a natural alarm clock.

I groan, reaching my arms above my head, and let out a yawn. I peel open my eyes, squinting them shut after a split second due to the brightness of the sun outside.

I take a moment to enjoy the peaceful morning. The sound of cars moving around outside, people on their way to work, to get their morning coffee, maybe drop off their kids at daycare, whatever it is. I like the mornings when I have time like this, just to sit and think about everyone in the world. Sometimes it's crazy for me to think about how everyone lives their own life. Not one person has the same routine as the other. You may pass a person who is having a bad day, or maybe this person just got a raise at work, but you would never know. Everyone has their own story.

I pull the comforter off my body, letting the cool air from the room around me hit my bare legs. I go into the bathroom, turning the cold water on and cupping my hands under the faucet. I let the water build up in my hands, bringing it up to my face and splashing it against my skin. I grab my toothbrush, squeezing a line of the mint paste onto the bristles. As I brush my teeth, I head for the living room.

I rummage through the cupboards, searching for some sort of food that I can throw together and eat while I get ready for the day. I have a lot of things planned for myself today.

I found myself being jealous of a lot of things since Harry left. I was jealous of the air for being able to swarm him, to fill his lungs and see inside him like I once could. I grew jealous of the sun for being able to kiss his body. I started to feel jealous of his bed sheets, knowing they get to wrap him up after a long day, hear his soft breaths, and know what it feels like to fall asleep with him like I once did. I was jealous of his tattoos for being able to stay with him, even after we left each other. I even found myself envious of the people that live in the same town as him, knowing that they would be able to pass him on the street and see his fresh face.

After a long time of feeling this way, I realized that it isn't a healthy way to live to be stuck in a place of jealousy over things I couldn't control.

After Harry called me that night, it felt like I had taken fifty steps back. I spent my fair share of time on the bathroom floor, choking out sobs until it felt like I was going to throw up, gasping for air until I felt like my lungs couldn't work anymore. I sat in bed and watched the sunrise, only to watch it set while I remained in the same place. It felt like everything around me was moving on, going forward, and making progress while I was stuck in one place.

I have taken everything my mom, sister, and even Wyatt have told me in the last few months to heart. I've taken the time to find what I love in life, hobbies, and other things every day to discover what it means to be a little bit more me.

I've grown to believe that everything that is meant to be will be. That everything will play out exactly how it needs to, and if the timing is right, I think Harry and I will find each other again. There is no doubt in my mind about that.

But until that day comes, I'll continue to work on being truly and unconditionally me until he comes back around to love this new version of me, if he wants to.

My first stop is at the farmer's market downtown. They host these farmer's markets every Saturday morning, blocking off one of the streets downtown to give vendors a space to set up their little booths. It offers local businesses the chance to sell some of their product, making me feel like I'm a part of this community just a little bit more. It's been one of my favorite places to take myself, the cool morning air feeling like a lovely morning wake-up. I've made it a point to come to every one, at least for a little bit, and by now, some of the vendors know me by name.