The Ideas of Love

Chapter 15.

It had been years since Tyler had had a nightmare about his previous rape, and last night he did. Maybe mostly because he just dropped his truth bomb on Jeff. He should never blame Jeff because he never told Jeff anyway. He was hurt that Jeff had moved on from him in a blink and that's why he acted like a child. He dropped Jill home last night and apologized. After that, he just went back to his apartment. He meant to be alone forever. He's an asshole that can't take good news from his best friend.
Tyler's phone rang not long after he tried to wake up and failed. He just doesn't want to face the world at the moment. Besides, it's Saturday, so he can relax a little. But when he checked the phone, it was Clara, so he needed to pick this up. He's no longer Clara's lawyer for her divorce, but he still has to take care of her as a client of his firm. He picked up the call.
"Tyler! I have the greatest news!" Clara sounded too enthusiastic for a seven in the morning call.
"Hmm?" Tyler answered shortly.
"Um.. remember when you helped my friend Lauren with her divorce?" Clara still sounds so happy, too happy.
"Yeah? Why are you asking?" Tyler rubbed his face.
"She needs a good lawyer to handle her new make up line and she wants you!" Clara said it as if it were fantastic news.
"Oh.. just let her call my secretary. I will set a meeting with her. Thank you for letting me know this. Is that all?" Tyler knows he comes off a little douche-y, but he really had a bad sleep last night and talking about work just didn't excite him.
"You sound.." Clara hesitates.
"I had a bad night. I'm sorry.." Tyler sighed.
"Hey, Ty.. she also wants to take you on a date before you get to be her lawyer. That's what makes me excited. I know you have been struggling since your coming out, and I just want you to be happy." Clara sighed too. She should not have assumed she knew what Tyler wanted.
"I can't date a client. I'm sorry.." Tyler said.
"Well she's not your client yet!" Clara giggled.
"I can't.. I'm sorry. I know your intention was good, but I need to sort something up today. I can call Lauren if you mind, and say that I don't want to accept the date offer." Tyler rolled his eyes.
"It's fine. I told her. Bye for now.." She hung up abruptly.
Tyler texted Jill and asked if she wanted a redo today. He owed it to her. Jill is different than most women that he has slept with. Tyler knew his hope with Jeff was gone, so he should move on. Jill is the only woman that he could think that he had a good chance of a future with. Jill actually replied right away, inviting him to come to her place for lunch with her kid. Tyler doesn't know why she said yes after all these horrible dates he took her on.
Tyler hesitates, but he needs to call Jeff. He needs to be a good friend and be happy for Jeff. He doesn't want to make Jeff's life even harder than it is. He knew he was an asshole last night. So what if Jeff suddenly gets married to Joe? He broke up with Tyler a couple weeks ago. Tyler had no right to be mad. Jeff actually picked up the call this time.
"Let me say it first, Tyler. I'm sorry for not asking you about that night. I had a feeling something bad had happened to you that night, but I never questioned it. I apologize." Jeff exhaled a sigh.
"You know what happened to me back then?" Tyler wondered if Jeff was aware that he had been raped.
"I'm not sure, but I remember one night when you were crying in your sleep. I'm sorry for being such a bad boyfriend and friend." Jeff sounds upset.
"That night was not the one. After the rape, I began having nightmares, and what you see is just the aftermath. It wasn't until we moved to New York that I realized it was a rape. I'm keeping it hidden from you, and I just dropped it last night because I hate your happiness. I'm a jackass." Tyler felt much better after admitting his mistakes.
"I should have asked you anyway. I'm not sure how I missed it all these years. I apologize, Tyler. What can I do to make this right?" Jeff is genuinely concerned about resolving this.
"Would you get a divorce and marry me instead?" Tyler laughed.
"I'm not yet married to Joe. We got engaged. Is that what you want? If it can fix this, I'd happily marry you. All I ask is that you forgive me for not being there for you all these years." Jeff mumbled something to Joe, which made Tyler think that Joe was listening to the conversation on the other side.
"No, I'm joking, Jeff. I need to be happy for you because you're happy with Joe." Tyler inhaled deeply. "I'm not going to forgive you. You're fantastic, and I hope you and Joe will last forever. Please don't feel guilty if I have to leave now. I'll talk to you later. Bye.." Tyler abruptly hung up the phone. He's not feeling very social today.
He called his therapist after a long while, but he never called her. He's already stopped having nightmares for a few years now. He triggered the memories to come back to him. There's a lot of time that Tyler told his therapist that he felt that he didn't deserve to acknowledge his rape. Because he got money from it and he did agree to it at first, he just chickened up after a while. But his therapist said he just thinks like that to protect himself from accepting that he was raped. Maybe he did cope with the rape by convincing himself that it never happened.
Tyler talked to his therapist for an hour, and the therapist recommended that he get into therapy again regularly. Tyler set up a scheduled therapy session because he hates his nightmares. His nightmares usually started with him and Jeff, but it always ended with Jeff raping him. He hated the idea of Jeff hurting him because he knew that Jeff would never do such a thing to him.
He prepared himself to go on a date with Jill again. He told her that he would bring dessert. He asked Jill what Jay liked for dessert, and she said he liked cookie dough ice cream. So Tyler went to the Doue ice cream store, which made a great cookie dough ice cream. He bought a pretty rose bouquet too for Jill. He drove to Jill's house and arrived around noon.
Jill opened the door, finding Jay hiding behind her. Tyler had to bend down and offer his hand and Jay's small little hand touched it for a quick second. He ran away after that. Tyler kissed Jill on her lips and gave her the flowers. She blushed from the kiss and the gift. She said that there weren't a lot of men who wanted to date her and that she had never had a man bring her a dozen roses before. She let Tyler in for the first time and she also told Tyler that Jay is a shy boy, but he was really excited earlier when Jill told him that Tyler was coming.
Tyler really likes Jill's house; it's a small house but very cozy. Tyler wrapped his arm around Jill while they walked to the dining table. Jill made mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, and grilled chicken. Tyler feels like Jill is great wife material. He wonders if the fact that she had a kid is the reason she's still single. Jill called Jay to join them at the dining table. Jay ran towards the table, but he hid next to Jill before Jill put him on the chair.
Tyler felt like if he and Jill ended up together, he would be very happy because he would have an instant family. Jay seemed like a great kid, and Jill's cooking was amazing. But he knew that he just wanted that because Jeff is engaged now. He was jealous that Jeff finally found someone to settle down with. That's why he started to entertain the idea of having his own family. But he knows deep down that he is not a good husband material. He's a playboy. He likes pretty women and handsome men on his side. Jill wouldn't be happy with him because he would be too busy working. And then there's his urge to have multiple partners.
When they were done eating, Tyler helped Jill scoop the ice cream and gave it to Jay. Jay's shyness suddenly disappeared, and he was so happy with the cookie dough ice cream that Tyler gave him. Tyler helped the young boy eat his ice cream while Jill did the dishes. After Jay finished with the ice cream, he dragged Tyler to his room. He asked Tyler to help him finish his drawing of Jill. This is probably the first time ever he spent time alone with a kid that wasn't his nieces or nephews. Tyler knew that Jay needed that father figure, and he actually enjoyed his time with Jay. Jay fell asleep not long after that, probably because of a sugar crash. Tyler put him in bed and tucked him in.
Tyler never really thought about fatherhood much, mostly because he used to think that he would end up with Jeff. And that means that they can't biologically have kids without adoption or surrogacy. But he's dating a single mom now, and he had to think if he was okay with having Jay as his son. He joined Jill after Jay fell asleep. Jill was cleaning the house when Tyler came out. He hugged her from behind and kissed her gently. Jill turned around and kissed Tyler's lips. She smiled and asked Tyler to sit on the sofa for a few minutes while she finished the cleaning up. Tyler sat down and waited for Jill to finish.
When Jill finally finished, suddenly Jay screamed from the bedroom, so Jill excused herself to tend to her boy. At this point, Tyler felt like he really was not ready to date someone with a kid. But Jill is such a nice woman, and he hates to break her heart. Tyler had three dates with Jill and none of them actually ended well. He doesn't even know why Jill tried to introduce him to Jay.
He pulled out his phone because he really wanted to talk to Jeff. Jeff usually uses his logic when it comes to picking a woman. He saw that Jeff had sent him a message asking what he was doing tonight because Joe would stay in New York for a few days. He asked if Tyler would be willing to tell Jeff the whole story. And Tyler knew that he had to tell his story to Jeff at some point. So he replied that he would spend the night at the farm that night. And now he had to escape from this date that turned into something that Tyler was not ready for.
Jill came out half an hour after that. She said that she tucked Jay back in and they had a few hours to themselves, so she pulled Tyler up from the couch and took him to her bedroom. Tyler doesn't really want to have sex with Jill, but he knows Jill deserves this. She took care of her son on her own. She needed a break. Tyler kind of wants to give her sex just to say she's a great mom. But it wouldn't be fair to her if he did that.
"Jill, I need to talk before we go further.." Tyler pulled away.
Jill stood silently, knowing what Tyler was about to say. She knew she had no chance with NY's most eligible bachelor like Tyler. So she shook her head. "I know what you're going to say, and you are free to leave anytime." She smiled bitterly. "This is not the first time someone has dumped me because I'm a single mom and it won't be my last. I get it. He's not yours."
"Jill, I'm sorry. It has been a lot for me the last couple of days, weeks, and months. I just want to take it slow." Tyler sighed. "I just felt like we jumped into this way too fast."
"I tried to involve the men I dated with Jay as soon as I could because I am a single mom. I need to know if that man would be willing to take Jay as his kid too. It really is a deal breaker if someone doesn't want him. I know you are a party guy and you wouldn't settle down, especially with a single mom. I'm stupid enough to think that maybe you want something different." She smiled and sat on the bed.
"That's not my problem. You did hear that bomb that I dropped on Jeff, right? And I'm still in love with that man. I couldn't promise you anything when I am not completely moved on. I don't even know if I will ever move on. I dreamt of marrying that man for more than a decade." Tyler chuckled. "I'm sorry.."
"So why don't you beg him to be with you?" Jill stared at Tyler.
"I'm a coward.. I don't know, Jill. I was a closeted bisexual until recently. I just needed some time, and Jeff had been straight forward that he didn't like my lifestyle. But I can't let him go." Tyler teared up. "I don't deserve to be love.." He scoffed.
"I don't get it. Why don't you fight it? If you really love him, you should fight for him." Jill shook her head.
Tyler smiled. He leaned in and kissed Jill's cheeks. He doesn't even want to answer Jill's question. "I need to go. I need to explain to my best friend why I lied to him. I'm sorry that our dates never ended well. And it might sound like just another asshole saying this, but, it's not you, it's totally me.." Tyler squeezed Jill's hands.
"I would still want to go on another date with you, even if it's a platonic one, because you are amazing with Jay.." She smiled.
"Thank you.. " Tyler said, and they hugged one last time.
______________________________________________

"Hey, Jeff.." Tyler smiled bitterly as Jeff stared at him for a few seconds.
Jeff has started to get familiar with Tyler's face now, but he's still struggling sometimes. "Come in.." He smiled. His hand with the pretend wedding band pulled the door shut, then he realized that, so he pulled away.
"I promise you I won't have another break down because I saw that wedding band again." Tyler leaned in to hug Jeff.
Jeff chuckled. He hugged Tyler tightly. He still struggles sometimes to figure out why he always felt so scared to start a relationship with Tyler, the most perfect human being he had ever known. But when he looked at himself in the mirror, he knew why. "I cooking your favorite, a deep dish pizza."
"You shouldn't have.." Tyler looked down. "Jeff.."
"Please? Let's eat, and we'll talk during dinner or later on. If you just let me explain everything, then you can explain your thing if you want, or we can just watch something." Jeff pulled Tyler.
"I don't want to spend a long time here because, I am still in love with you and I just can't.." Tyler shook his head.
"Then we'll do what you want. I don't care if it means I cheated on Joe. I am not letting you out before you told me everything and we arranged something so I can fix my mistake for the last decade." Jeff clenched his jaws.
"It's not your mistake, baby.. It's all mine.." Tyler pulled Jeff and hugged him. He started crying after that.
"I can't do this. Tyler, please just get back with me? I want to be your husband so I can take care of you. I can't leave you alone ever again. I fucked up. I'm sorry.. I can't marry Joe. Fuck.. Tyler.. Why did you never tell me? I don't get it.." Jeff pushed Tyler away and shook him. He shook his head. He took off his pretend wedding band and threw it away. "I'm all yours now, Tyler. Forever. Whatever you want, I'll do it for you. Okay?" Jeff's eyes teared up too. "How can you hide this much pain from me?"
"I just don't want to get you upset like this, Jeff. I know I'm not the man you want, but you are the man that I want. I don't want you to be sad, because I'm fine." Tyler kissed Jeff's cheeks gently. "They paid me.." Tyler was shaking as he told this story for the first time to Jeff. "I thought it would be nice to take you somewhere nice because I love you so much.."
Jeff's eyes opened wider and his jaw dropped. He was terrified. He remembered that night. He knew that something wrong happened that night, but Tyler just shoved him away when he asked. He also remembered that he was being an ass and pushed Tyler to come out again that night. Then, the next couple of days after that night, Tyler took him to a romantic dinner in a fancy restaurant. He asked multiple times how Tyler got the money for it, and Tyler said that he let a rich student cheat on his test. At first, Jeff didn't buy it, but then he got tired of asking, so he stopped.
"It's not your fault.." Tyler grabbed Jeff closer again.
"How can that not be my fault?!" Jeff pushed Tyler. He wanted to punch something. "Fucking asshole.." Jeff clenched his jaws.
"Jeff, just take a breath please? I'm fine.." Tyler stared at his friend. He calmed himself down and finally sat down on the couch. He rubbed his temples. "Let's eat. It's going to be a long night.." He smiled bitterly at Jeff.