You wouldn't dare

29/Oaklee

   *Suicide*
*before she got shot and stuff happened*
I left.

That was fucking embarrassing. Letting him see me crying like that was a mistake. He wasn't supposed to see that. He touched me and I felt my walls crumbled down and I couldn't stop it.

Royce is on duty and everyone else is working. I just needed to leave. I felt suffocated and small, so small. I haven't felt like that in so long. Even the most recent time I was with Robert I still had my power.

I'm in my car driving around. I have no place to go to. If I go to my building I'm going to have to deal with their shit and I won't be able to keep calm doing that.

I'm looking around when I realize I'm not the wooden bridge. The bridge we go to during the summer. I pull over and get out.

I walk towards the beginning of the bridge and down the path that leads to the under structure that holds the bridge up. I climb to the spot I normally sit at.

Usually when we come, I sit in the middle of the bridge and watch them until I get tired. I loved watching them. Mason and Kylie always ended up being in there own world while Koa and Royce are by themselves if I'm not messing around with them.

Once we decided to go to Florida for a month. It's supposed to take like 19 hours but we always got sidetracked and it ended up being a 38 hour drive. Of course we also stayed at a motel and almost got killed but that didn't ruin anything for us.

Once we finally got there we all went to the beach and messes around. It didn't matter that the car was still pilled with our stuff or that we were fully clothed. We went in the ocean and swam. I bet we looked like wet dogs and Kylie a wet raccoon.

We spent so much time at the beach. We'd go from sun up to sun down. Once the sun was down the parties begun. We barely got any sleep that month but we had our caffeine and our drugs, that's all we needed.

I remember this one club we went too, it was popular and I got us in and everyone was so excited. Except me.

I saw the signs of going back to Robert and I knew once we got back to New York, I was gone. We got there and everyone was drunk, including me. I separated myself from them and went to the beach with one of my knives.

I was standing there with my feet in the sand by the water, staring at the moon, hoping that once this was all over I'd be with my parents again. That's the scar underneath my butterfly tattoo on my neck. Royce and the rest of them always talked about how it's 'us against the world' but we all know I'm not apart of 'us'. No matter how many time they say it.

They all live together, see each other everyday. I come when I'm out of drugs. I love them and would do anything for them but as much as I hate myself, I hate being alone in this world. Royce has been the only one that has ever seen my breakdown. What Leo saw today was just the beginning.

Royce was with me when I tried every drug in the books of drugs. He was with me when I went through 4 bottles of whiskey a day. It got to the point he would have to stay with me making sure I didn't choke on my own vomit.

I got so drunk and so high one night. I decided to play chicken on the highway. I felt the adrenaline. I felt light. I felt free. Until a car came and I went flying. After that I knew I had to get my shit together and that's what I did. For the most part.

Arriving back home, I saw 3 black vans in the driveway. I parked my car at the end and walked through the back of the house. I could hear the footsteps and the shouting but I wasn't worried about that.

I knew Leo would do something stupid. He would do it to protect me but I won't live in a world without him. Without him, I am simply nonexistent.

I will not stay long enough to claim or see what I get. I will be with the one man that I love. Love. My love for him had no depth, it's boundaries are ever-expanding. My love for him will be unexplainable.

I turn the corner from the kitchen to the front room, where I see Leo with a gun pointed at him. His men should be here. They are talking but I'm not listening. I'm watching Ivan's body language. I'm watching his hands tense before moving his finger to the trigger.

I don't even hesitate before running and pushing Leo. I follow him to the ground as pain explodes through my body. I don't scream. I don't talk. I watch as Leo keeps his eyes screwed shut. There are gun shots before it's silent.

I watch as Leo opens his grey eyes. They're darker than his normal grey, almost black. He looks around before making eye contact with me. At first a look of confusion takes over before fear replaces it. 

  He sits up and my body slides off of him. He grabs me, putting his head on my chest. It's hard to breathe. It's painfully silent until I hear his heart breaking scream.

I hear him talking but I can't make out the words. It's all so fuzzy before my ears start ringing and it's silent.

  The fear of death follows from the fear of life. I, who is fully prepared to die have lived the fullest life there is. I found the love of my life and I only hope he finds his.

  My only regret is leaving the way I did.