After Selene loses the love of her life in an accident, she finally starts moving forward with her life only to be racked with the guilt of falling for one of the last person she should fall for.
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I hated how all of this was making me feel. I hadn't seen Selene in a week. It was hard not to see her, but at the same times I knew I needed space. The guilt trip that Beth had thrown our way had been hanging over my head more I replayed it over in my head.
I had already had the guilt from knowing that I was in love with Selene while he was still alive. That guilt ate me alive for a long time. I thought I had conquered the majority of it, but Beth brought it all and more roaring back. I had avoided Selene for a while because I thought that's what she wanted, but now I felt like I was drowning in guilt the more that time went on. No one could tell me anything different. I knew that I was a shitty friend by lusting after Selene. Maybe it was all wrong.
Sunday rolled around and it had almost been a week since we ran into Greg and Beth. Selene had texted me a couple times, but I had lied about how busy I was. I just didn't think I could handle the guilt that was surrounding me.
It was awful. I had been Connor's best friend. How the fuck could I have done that to him. What was I thinking. I'm horrible.
I needed to keep my distance from Selene because it was the best thing for us both. I couldn't bring her down into the guilt that I was living in. I had just gotten her some what stable again. I don't know if I could handle her backsliding.
Monday had rolled around and I hadn't had a good night sleep in over a week. I was existing on very little brain power, that I had been sent home by the guys. They didn't need me to explain anything. They just realized that my state of mind hadn't improved so I was sent home to figure out how to get better. They all told me to go to Selene, but I was only going to bring her down. I couldn't do that.
I went home and tried to sleep a little bit, but sleep only came in short bursts. It was more debilitating because of the dreams that would haunt me every time I closed my eyes. One was of Connor telling me that he hated me and I was forced to hear him tell me how wrong I was for everything. The worst thing he said was that I will never be what he was to Selene. I will always be second to him. That is what wakes me up every time. The other one that get to me was Selene telling me that she was done. That everything Beth had said was right. I usually woke up as she was leaving.
I was so torn. I knew that I wasn't good enough for her, but the thought of her leaving was just as painful. Would I ever be enough? Would she stay around after all this has happened? It felt like all the questions were running through my head to the point where I had a raging migraine.
I had been able to fall into a medicated dreamless sleep for a while, when I was woke up by a phone ringing. I answered before I looked at who it was.
"Hello" I answered groggily
"Andy are you ok?" Selene's voice rang in my ears.
I was immediately awake.
"Uh- yea I'm fine."
"o-ok" It was clear that she didn't fully believe me. " Are you busy today"
"Um, not with work, but I have things around the house I need to do." I lied
"Oh" I could hear the hurt in her voice, " ok, well I miss you."
I felt my heart clench in my chest.
" I miss you too" I rasped out
"I-I guess I'll talk to you later." She said with a sigh. "Bye"
"Wait!"
"yea?"
I'm sorry Selene."
"for what?"
"I know I haven't been around."
"Yea, It's pretty obvious that your avoiding me." She said with a sigh and a little bite.
I hung my head.
"I'm sorry. I'm struggling with what Beth said."
"and I'm not?!" she exclaimed
"I know you are, I've just been struggling with this guilt since I met you. I've hated myself for so long and I was finally getting through that recently, but Beth put all of my guilt out in the open. I know We didn't do anything wrong, but lusting after my best friend's wife when he was right next to me was actually wrong. Beth was right, I was a shitty friend."
"Andy you weren't a shitty friend. Connor always loved you and even though you had wrong thoughts about me at the time, it didn't take away from the fact that you were always there for him no matter what. Don't let Beth's hateful words get to you."
"They did get to me though." I sighed, "I think I just need some space to get through it all. I'm not in a good place for you. I feel like I can only bring you down with me and I never want that for you."
"Andy please don't do this" I could hear the tears.
"I'm sorry Selene, its for the best."
"please don't" she sobbed softly.
"I'll always love you Selene. Always."
"Andy! Please stop doing this to us."
"I'll talk to you later Selene." I whispered as I hung up the phone.
