Bad Obsession (Guns N' Roses: Izzy Stradlin)

Chapter 68: Guilt - Pt. 2

"So how long have you been clean for?" Slash asked as he handed me another beer.

At this point, I was on my third beer, and I had planned for it to be my last. I wasn't sure if it was because I had barely had any alcohol in a while, but it felt like it had already gone to my head. The mood of the pub had changed to a lighter and brighter feel; more customers had come through the door since we had arrived, lifting the energy inside to be much more "vibey". My mood had certainly lifted, and so had the moods of the guys. Our conversations had passed from the dark and depressing, to reminiscing of our younger years. Axl and I had talked about our shenanigans at high school, and I always loved to make the joke that I was the smartest out of the band as I was the only one who actually completed high school... doesn't matter what my mark was though...

"Fuck, man why do you have to bring the mood down?" Duff whinged at Slash.

I laughed as I stretched out in my seat, in an attempt to help my body digest the large pub feed I had consumed.

"I don't mind talking about it, it's okay."

I really had to think long and hard about how long it had actually been since I was clean. I had made no effort to remember any dates as it wasn't a particularly happy memory for me. Not my proudest moment to have my mother and youngest brother see me in such a state; the sweating, swearing, panic attacks and even hallucinations at some points. I would be forever grateful that my mum took me in and was determined to help me recover, and that she had forgiven my despicable behaviour. Also, let's not forget that Mel took me back, forgave me and agreed to marry my sorry arse. My gaze turned to the silver wedding band that was wrapped around my ring finger, and I began to swivel it around my finger with my other hand. I mean it was wild, right? My lady had stuck by my side, through my rock bottom and she still loved me.

"So... how long has it been?" Slash repeated, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Ah, I think it may have been early 1990? Around March. I don't know, I haven't made much effort to remember." I responded truthfully.

"Do you miss it?" Slash paused and then continued, "You know, being high?"

It was an understatement to say the mood had simply "shifted".

"Man, what the fuck is wrong with you?!" Duff was really not happy this time.

I tried my best to defuse the situation and bury my awkward feelings.

"Duff, seriously it's fine."

"No fuckin' way, it's not fine. What are you trying to get at?" Duff pointed his finger at Slash.

Duff had substantially raised his voice, causing the patrons around us to stop their conversations and turn their gaze towards our table. I could see in the corner of my eye, Axl's amused expression which he had tried to hide behind his beer glass. As soon as he saw me notice, he stifled his amusement as quickly as he could.

"Guys, let's just fuckin' calm down." Axl coughed out, trying not to smile.

Mark this moment as another time I want to knock out Axl.

Slash surrendered by raising his hands in the air.

"I was just curious, fuck, it was a simple question," Slash mumbled defensively as he held his hands in the air.

The conversation in the pub finally went back to normal; everyone had stopped staring at us and the warm hubbub filled my ears again. As for our group's conversation, it did not return to normal. I felt so uncomfortable - I just wanted to flip our table and Houdini outta there. Must not cause a scene. I dropped my eyes to my beer and cupped both of my hands around it as I tried my best not to think about my past of hardcore substance abuse. I really tried to push the sudden thread of thoughts that flooded my brain, but once they started, I couldn't stop seeing the flickers of my history. Sure, there were some dark memories I would never want to experience ever again, but to be completely honest, there were also some decent memories. Drugs, whatever they were, would help me escape my environment and allow my brain to "unlock"; so many songs I had written under the influence and I am so unsure if I would have ever been able to write them if I was clean. Heroin was the best thing to get me in the creative zone. The feelings of it flowing through my veins, an almost cooling sensation, would completely help me shut out my surroundings and usually, the lyrics would pour out of my brain and onto the page in front of me. Besides the pro of songwriting and the selfishness of just wanting to feel "good", I couldn't help but remember all of the horrid memories; the cons. Constipation, incontinence, impotence, nausea and vomiting, itchy skin, insomnia and probably undiagnosed depression; all of the things I would put up with and pretend everything was fine, and because I tried my best to always bury my feelings, I would take more drugs to try and take my mind off it.