Under your angelic body

Ameliorate

"Hey," Layla says, finally answering her phone.

I'm completely caught off guard; even though I was the one who called her, I'm surprised she finally picked up the phone in spite of my several unsuccessful attempts. I never did blame her for ignoring me though. In fact, if roles were reversed and she had hurt me the way I hurt her, I confess that I would have done a whole lot worse than ignoring a flood of phone calls.

Replying back as calmly as I can, I say, "Hey Layla, I'm glad you answered." I rehearsed my apologies a thousand times, but I'm not ready for my lines.

All I can think to say is, "Whatcha doing?" I wince at the carelessness of my own words.

"Just working on one of my homework. What about you?"

Her voice sounds normal, which is a small relief. Maybe she's ready to talk to me again; maybe she would forgive me and find a way to get past my cruel words.

"Just baking some cookies. Double chocolate chip; the dough is chocolate, just like the chips. Pretty much the whole thing is chocolate," I say nervously. "They're not for me, though," I say. "They're for a friend." I clear my throat. "By the way," I ask warily, "why did you... I mean, I'm not sure why you answered the phone, but I'm glad you did. Does that mean you're ready for me to apologize and beg for your forgiveness?"

I feel awkward even asking that. As the words escape from my mouth, I ponder how that sentence doesn't even seem to be in my vocabulary, yet here I am on the verge of apologizing. I never apologize.

The phone is quiet on the other end; I can only hope she's smiling. She didn't hang up yet, so that's a good sign.

"You still have my book," Layla says dryly, with a quiet chuckle after she said that.

"I'll bring it over when I'm done with the cookies," I reply.

Before she could say anything, I begin, "So...just so you know, this part isn't easy for me. And I don't do it often, and can't remember the last time I did it, but I owe you about a million of them." So, here it goes. "Layla, I'm so incredibly sorry," I sigh. "You might not even believe me, but I didn't even mean it at the time when I said it. I just...," I take a deep breath. "I guess I just got myself wrapped up in my own distorted fucked up social life. I sometimes worry a little more about my reputation than I should, but in all actuality, it was the other way around. You're not the loser nor ugly I mean you are really pretty no I mean beautiful I mean you are really okay......sorry just got a bit tongue twisted ....Layla?." It didn't come out like anything that I had planned to say, but I still meant every word of it but got a bit nervous.

Layla laughs. "Hoseok, you're not a loser. You're just a little too wrapped up into what people think of you, though, and I think it backfired. And yes, you stung me. You cut me open deep. I'm not sure if I've ever been hurt like that. Well, we can change the subject. You don't need to hear any more." I wince more and more with each word she speaks.

"No, it's okay. You can tell me how you feel," I plead. "I hurt you and I deserve whatever you have to say."

"I'm not trying to hurt you back," she says softly.

I'm quiet on the other end, deliberately waiting for Layla to talk. She sighs, "Have you ever seen something so beautiful and majestic, but you didn't realize how deadly it could be until you were wrapped up in it, and it was too late? Like the waves of the ocean?"

I can't answer. I want to, but I can't seem to manage.

She continues, "When I heard you speak those words, I felt like I was swept into the ocean, swimming against the tide. I could see the shore line, but with every word you said as you kept talking, it was like I was pulled out deeper, no matter how hard I tried to swim. I couldn't breathe as I was swept away into the endless depths," she says, straightforward, "I couldn't run, I don't know why. And the worst part was that I couldn't make it stop."

She speaks bluntly like always, one of the things I love about her, but so eloquently, from her heart. I know she isn't trying to unleash drama or feel sorry for herself; I realize it was simply the way she speaks and how she communicates, how she opens up her feelings. That doesn't mean it hurt any less; if anything, it hurt me more, the way she spins it like poetry.

But I deserve it. The indirect pain she caused me is nowhere near the pain I caused her. I cringe as she brings forth the magnitude of the damage that I caused her; I really had no idea just how much I hurt her until now.

"But, I was forced to remind myself that we are from two different worlds," she says.

I start to protest, but she continues, "And I'm okay with that. I'm the one who was lucky enough to cross into yours. Maybe I just let my guard down too much. A peasant is lucky enough if he gets to see an angel; I got to talk to one. For a moment, I even thought I was becoming friends with one. I guess ignorance is bliss, just like they say. I will always treasure you for that."

I feel myself swooning. My cheeks are flushed; I can only imagine how red my face actually is, and it isn't just from the heat of the oven. Fuck, this girl is driving me mad crazy and I don't even deserve her.

"I know it took a lot for you to apologize. I didn't ever think I would get an apology from the great Jung Hoseok," she chuckles.

I smile warmly. She has such a way with words, whether she knows it or not. "So, how can I say no? Of course I accept your apology."

"Thank you," I say softly. I don't deserve it, I think to myself. "And, I'm certainly not an angel. I wish I were. But, I want you to know Layla that I do consider you my friend. We're still friends. I mean, we can get past this."

There's a quiet moment on the phone that unnerves me. Breaking the silence, I say, "Well, cookies are done. Would this be a good time to drop off your book?"

"Sure, come on over."

I grow quiet. I cautiously ask, "Does this mean you'll continue tutoring me? I feel pretty good about the exams coming up, but I could use a little more help getting ready, especially with Research..., I mean, if you don't..."

"Of course," she says.

"I'll be there; I just have to clean up. And Layla? I really mean it. I am sorry. Thank you for forgiving me." I hang up my phone and grin from ear to ear. My excitement seems unnatural, yet I find myself running through the house to change my clothes, getting ready to go over to Layla. I'm pretty sure that it's because I made amends and that terrible weight is now off of my shoulders.

Deep down and in the back of my mind, I'm not so sure if that's the full answer.