Longing to Be Known | Levi Ackerman x OC

78

It is impossible to avoid the dreadful feeling hanging over our heads. Even so, the moment I turn to face Levi for what to do, his body language lets me know. His shoulders are slightly rounded forward, and I can tell he's searching his head for the right words. Understanding the predicament, I place a firm hand on Erwin's shoulder, squeezing it tightly before walking away towards the rest of the group. If there was going to be anyone to knock some sense into that lost child, it was Levi. Not because he had some magical speech, but because Levi's clear head could get through anyone having a mental breakdown.

Levi knows his strengths, and I know mine. Making my way towards the crying children, I suppress the worries and the realistic picture laid out in front of me—the realistic event in which all these soldiers die because of their lack of training. Regardless, I keep my head held high without showing a flicker of doubt in my eyes when I approach them. Their crying softens, and the sobs become sniffles as the gravel beneath my feet gets louder for them. They look up, fists almost white from their grip on the reins. Surprisingly, I don't find myself thinking of a strong, convincing message. Instead, I feel sorrow with them.

Another set of crumbled rocks pass by aggressively. The buildings around us continue to be our temporary shelter, and if we're lucky, the broken cement doesn't fall on top of any of us. The gust of wind finally passes as the rocks tumble to the ground after they've made contact with something, or someone.

"Well," I begin, standing up while brushing my clothes off, "This fucking sucks, doesn't it?"

I suppose my sudden informality caught them off guard, as it suddenly got quiet.

"What?" I respond from their confused faces, "Am I wrong?"

Some of them shake their heads at me, slightly relaxing their bodies subconsciously. I'm glad to know that my casual nature didn't anger any of them; all I have to do is make sure that I prime them for the speech that Erwin is going to give them once Levi is done speaking to him.

"I know it's scary. You just watched your friends split in half in front of you, and you just heard the screams of your friends who were laughing with you yesterday over a drink." I say.

I take a deep breath, "And it truly is damaging to be unaware if you could have done otherwise to protect them."

The memory of the girl from moments ago enters my thoughts, "Maybe they valued your life more than theirs, and the only reason you're breathing right now is because of their bravery and their dedication. Maybe they had more conviction than you did, or maybe they were paying attention more than you were."

Subconsciously, my fingertips play with the bloodied sunflower around my wrist, "But you know, there's nothing you can do about that. You can't just flip a switch and go back in time—time isn't fluid in this life. We don't have time for survivor's guilt. We don't have time to cry and stay still. We don't have time to freeze when there are families who are sitting back home praying to the Walls that we succeed."

"I am only one woman," I say with conviction and a hand flat against my chest, "But with these blades and this gear, I am a nightmare."

"And all of you," I point towards them, "Can also create that illusion when you hold your blade and keep your head high."

Realistically, only half of them are listening to me right now. I know that I am speaking to dead children walking; I know that my words aren't going to change anything about their outcome. If anything, I'm giving them false hope to continue fighting so that Levi and I can complete what we came here to finish. I am making sure that at least he is getting out of here alive, no matter the consequences. Just then, Levi's words to Erwin fill my head.