you really got a hold on me | john lennon

CHAPTER SEVENTY ONE

April 12th, 1962

John and I sat in the cab together, though I stuck myself as far away from him as possible. We were on the way to pick George and the band's manager up from the airport—all the while John was running on just a few hours of sleep and I was running on none at all.

After everything that had happened last night, it was hard to get even a wink of sleep. I was stuck staring at the ceiling and breaking apart every single word...everything we did together; in hopes of finding a deeper meaning to it and hidden messages that I doubt were there but still dug for anyway. I mean, what was there even to read further into? None of what we said to each other was cryptic. Our entire conversation came out clear as day.

John confessed to trying his hardest to forget me after how much it hurt to see me walk away when he knew how much we wanted another shot together, just as I had felt.

When I pieced together all these different parts, it only led me to one possible conclusion. John was still in love me...and madly so. There was no denying I also had strong feelings towards him, though whether or not it was love or just simply a random spark of attraction I was still trying to figure out. But there was one thing I was sure of. No matter what it would turn out to be, there was something there between us the second we reunited last night. We surely couldn't let that pass us by. John and I spent hours in each other's arms yesterday on the cold, bathroom floor despite the resentment we still held—almost like no time had passed between then and now. That had to count for something.

But what would be our next step forward if we did still love each other? I'm sure if we got together again we would start off full of hope at first, until by some chance with our awful luck it all would go sour and we were due for another round of heart break. And I don't think either of us were ready to go through something as painful as that again when we had barely recovered from the last time.

Christ. This was driving me mad from last night up until now. I was losing sleep over John just as I used to, after I already spent the better part of this past year convincing myself I was better off without him. All the while John had been in the other bed in the deepest sleep of his life last night, funnily enough. He had no idea of how much impact our argument held over me even a day later.

My head dipped down for a moment, interrupting my train of deep thought. No matter how exhausted I was, I refused to go to sleep even for just a few minutes...showing just how stubborn I could prove to be.

"Someone didn't get any sleep last night. You look like you got hit by a fucking train, Nat," John peered down to get a better look at my knackered face.

I groaned and used my hand to shield my face from him. Making myself look all nice was the last thing on my mind when I was shuffling in bed for hours trying to get just an hour of sleep. "Oh, shove off John. It's a wonder that birds fancy you, really. All you do is insult them all the fucking time and expect them to see it as charming. It makes you look like an arse."

"Well, it worked pretty well on you, don't you think?"

"...That's different."

"If you say so." John smirked. We both knew that he was right. It wasn't something to be particular proud of to say I was one of those birds who were head over heels for John without him having to do much. But there wasn't anything I could really do about it anymore except hiding this part about me and deny it to anyone who had began to see past my facade.

If there was anything confusing about us right now though, it was that the minute John woke up...we both started our game of pretend. Not only to each other but to everyone else around. John had already bounced back to his usual cheeky behavior—and just looking at him, you wouldn't have known that he had broken down to tears hours before. The argument we had never happened. Better yet, none of last night had happened the way it had. No wounds of ours reopened.