you really got a hold on me | john lennon

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

May 19th, 1960

The next few days without John being close made the mood grim for me by default. Just the thought of being left alone with my parents was enough to make my blood run cold, but with the weight of all the recent news I had gotten added on to that added insult to injury.

I had flunked out of University. The news itself wasn't the most alarming because who am I kidding — it was a long time coming. I had stopped putting in the time for it a long time ago and focused my time more on helping the boys with the band among other things, and once you put two and two together...you could probably see how I failed. My parents honestly should've seen this in their foresight when forcing me into this school in some course that I had absolutely no interest in. But even with all these reasons, it still didn't change the fact that John and I both were shaking in our boots awaiting their reactions.

The headmaster had told me directly about my shortcomings a few days ago, saying a letter would be coming shortly to the house as well as a more formal way to basically tell me that I was a failure. I could only hide this for so long before they found out in due time with a damned letter and there wasn't anything I could do to stop that from happening.

John kept me close to him by slinging his arm around my shoulder as we walked together to the van that was parked close by Mendips. Tour crew for Johnny Gentle were frantically walking around it as they made last-minute arrangements and adjustments here and there to ensure smooth sailing with the addition of the boys who were fairly new to the scene. Though I would think that John being his fashionably late self that 'smooth sailing' everyone was hoping for wouldn't be happening today, especially with the way he was holding on to me like he had zero intentions in letting me go.

"Natalie, are you absolutely sure that you aren't coming? You don't have the slightest idea of what they'll do to you once they find out." He whispered into my ear, trying to keep this conversation between us and away from the possibly gossipy crowd around us. There was a pleading look evident in his eyes that was insanely hard to miss. And it sure made my decision a whole lot harder. "We can make something happen for you to come with us, I'm sure of it. Just think it through at least one more time. I'm begging ye."

"You know why I'm not coming. We've talked about this before, haven't we?"

"I know we have...but maybe you'll change your mind. This decision shouldn't even be that hard for you. C'mon, just look at how they fucking treated you when you came over to my flat. Do you honestly think that they're going to be any better when it comes to this?"

"I just want to deal with this one problem on my own, John. I don't want to have to keep on running away from them for the rest of my life."

"And I'm not telling you to run away, am I? All I'm saying is that I want you to at least wait for me to be there with you so at least I can be there to help with this mess." John squeezes my shoulder lightly and looks down at me with a flicker of hope. That maybe I would actually change my mind about my decision and run off to Scotland with him on a whim. Though that hope was short-lived as I could see in his eyes as a sense of realization sinks in and that smallest flicker present goes out. "But no matter what I say now, you must be set on staying here, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am."

John slowly shakes his head in disbelief as his eyes dart back and forth between the van and I. He obviously was hesitant without a doubt about leaving for tour with the current situation I was in with my parents — and a part of me was sharing that same sinking feeling, but seeing the weight John was already carrying on my behalf was the one thing that prompted me not to say it aloud. You couldn't ever be too sure on what kind of games my parents would pull until you were already a victim to them. It was honestly the scariest part about them that other people wouldn't dare to toy with as it could also be seen as dancing with the devil in a way.