you really got a hold on me | john lennon

CHAPTER FIFTY FOUR

February 21st, 1961

"Fucking hell, never really can give me a break," I muttered under my breath. I pressed my fingers to my temples to soothe myself as a slight headache was still coming on, but it was nowhere near as bad as it was when I was rushed to the hospital—thankfully.

My stay at the hospital was kept surprisingly short, the doctors not really doing much except for their monitoring—whatever that meant. All I had done in the two days of being admitted there was stare at the painful bland walls and lay in the horrid bed with nowhere else to go—all while my thoughts with John and I's conversation started to eat me up from the inside. He had basically forgotten about it the following day and brushed me off whenever I wanted to talk about it, and there was nothing I could do about it. I was alone in dealing with it the entire time and even now....especially with the Prellies off the table.

But I suppose there was still one person I could look to for help. Paul. He was the only one that could've known anything about it, if ever. Hell, if I wasn't the one John was dating, my best bet would've been on Paul being his lover or some shite. Those two could talk about anything...with absolutely no limits on what they were talking about. That alone was alone to gross me out, because I mean, John was John. He would talk with absolutely no filter to his words whenever he had the chance.

As I neared the doorstep to Paul's flat, I took my hands away from my head and settled them into fists at my sides to deal with my slight headache that way. I couldn't risk Paul ringing John and telling him to come and get me if he saw me having even the slightest sign of symptoms. All the boys knew about what happened—because of John, who had to get it off his chest somehow—and I was sure John also put them on watch to report back to him if I ever had some flare-up while he wasn't around or if I was stupid enough to start going out and about alone again even if both him and Mimi allowed it.

My thoughts were soaring as I raised up a hand to knock on the door, doubting whether or not it was smart to even go through with this. It probably wasn't...but what other choice did I have? John was keeping some secret from me, and I knew that for sure now. I'd known him for too long to ignore that fact, no matter how much it hurt to admit. I hated to think of him doing such a horrible thing, but when he was obviously dodging the question it was hard not to assume. Which gave me all the more reason to figure this out.

Stop hesitating, Nat. You need to settle your mind, the proper way. Someone's got the answers to stop your maybe even pointless doubts. So just get it fucking over with, yeah? You know what happened when you kept it all in the last time.

I finally brought myself to do a gentle knock against Paul's door and waited for him to open it anxiously, pushing a hand through my hair over and over again in an attempt at fixing it. It was doing nothing of course, except making me look even more disheveled than I already was. But I'm sure the boys all were no stranger to that look, especially not Paul of all people. He had gotten to see that side of me freely at some point in our relationship—and I wish I could take that back, because that was my very first mistake with him.

The door finally swung open, and there he was. Leaning against the doorframe with an almost permanent tired look in his eyes.  "Nat, hi. What brings you here? Didn't think you would ever come back here for—erm—obvious reasons. But you aren't looking too well. Where's John?" He searched the area behind me for any sign of John, but he hadn't come because he didn't even think I was coming here in the first place. He thought I was just going out for a breath of air in the town for sure...and definitely not coming here of all places.

"He isn't here. I didn't bring him. And he...doesn't know I'm here."

"You really can never be told what to do, hm? Come in before you pass out on the doorstep," Paul gave me enough room to walk in and closed the door behind us as soon as I stepped in. "Are you alright? Ye wanna sit down...or want me to brew you a cuppa? I know what happened, y'know. Don't want you to get worse."