you really got a hold on me | john lennon

CHAPTER SIXTY

February 27th, 1961

Leaving George's flat on my own was the farthest thing from easy. After I fell asleep not to long after George had left for a gig, once I woke up at ten in the morning—I had to convince myself not to lay there all day and put off getting my belongings any longer. I knew that procrastinating on this wouldn't do me any good, but it didn't change any of how I felt towards John...and just us in general. It was tough to even have the thought of John in my head right now. So, seeing him in the flesh was going to be bloody torture in comparison.

If only it was possible, I would've brought George with me. He was the only one I felt was really by my side in this whole spat. But I knew bringing him along would only complicate things for all of us. And even if I hadn't thought of the impending consequences of having George with me, I hadn't even caught a glimpse of him since we talked. We both had already expected this last night—but the fact that his parents' flat was so small and yet we still hadn't seen each other was ridiculous.

So now, here I was, walking by myself towards Mendips. The one place that I thought would never be able to cause me so much pain overnight. Such a feat that I thought couldn't even be possible after what had happened with my parents. Mendips had always been the place I found myself running back to time and time again, not away from it. But now that everything had changed, it made my stomach churn. How wouldn't it? Everything I was familiar with had been taken from under me...and there was no going back.

Those few words that I decided to let out of my mouth could've changed where I was right now. My mind still went back and forth on what could've happened should I had held back—but God, why was I even having second doubts about this? I couldn't cover up John's faults as mine forever. It would only be so long until that habit of mine would start to drag me down with him. What was done was done. And what I thought was once impossible was changed immediately when John was in the question.

It was like that for anything with John. You always took a risk with him. Either he would work in your favor or against it. And I was stupid enough to take that risk—hoping he would change for me. Mostly because I knew he was capable of that change. I saw it with my very eyes on how compassionate he could be. Especially when John and I were in the middle grounds of our relationship. But the second we actually did what most did and put a label on it, that's when it took a turn for the worst. That and many other things added into the mix of course. There wasn't just one set path on where our downfall had started.

After being held up in my thoughts for almost the entire way, I had finally reached the outside of the flat. The front fence was left gaping open...which definitely was concerning, but typical. When either Mimi or John were in a rush, they would leave it like this. I suppose it was a good sign. I wouldn't have to see either of them and spare myself the pain that it would do.

As I took in the walked in through the open fence, I tried my hardest not to dwell on what I was seeing. I wanted to stay here if I could. It was my home. But it wasn't that simple anymore.

I gave the door a gentle knock hesitantly more out of curtesy, in case one of them were in there. Though I was still wishing that nobody was home...so I had an excuse not to go through all of this again. If John was home, we were sure to continue where we had left off. And if Mimi was home, I was in for a lot of convincing and interrogating for me to stay here because she didn't know any of what had happened. So, that's exactly what I got. No response. Another damn knock. No response.

A sigh of relief could be heard from me knowing no one was here. It would make this a whole lot easier, and I only knew that much for sure. The rest of how this would go was still wrapped in this thick fog of uncertainty. I turned the doorknob slowly and let the door creak open.