you really got a hold on me | john lennon

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

September 24th, 1959

I walked briskly through the slightly chilly weather to get to Mendips, which wasn't that far of a walking distance from my flat. Mimi had called me on the phone a few days ago and insisted on having a little chat with me. I tried making up a variety of excuses because I didn't want to be anywhere near Mendips right now, but Mimi was persistent in me coming over.

Hesitantly walking up to the front door, I rapped on the door gently. No one came to the door for quite a few minutes, making me that little bit more nervous. The anticipation was killing me. My hands started to get all clammy and I felt some sweat starting to form on my forehead.

I really hoped John was off anywhere else than here right down. After that stunt I pulled at the Casbah, I really wasn't keen on talking to him anytime soon. It would just complicate things, more so than it already was, if that was even possible.

After a few minutes - I finally see Mimi make her way to the door. I felt relieved that she actually came to the door and not anyone else.

"Natalie, nice to see you were able to make it. Come in."

She lets me in, and I could feel the nostalgia trickle back in. I had come here almost every day as a child because Mimi was good friends with my parents. And one day we just stopped out of nowhere. Mum and Dad had gotten busier with work and couldn't drop me off here anymore, but they would always say we would come "next time" which then turned into "someday" which just turned into nothing.

I sat down on a small sofa and tried to calm my nerves down before Mimi and I talked about anything. Wouldn't want myself turning into a bumbling wreck in front of her, would I?

Mimi walks straight into the kitchen after letting me in and emerges with a fresh tray of scones and some tea. She sets it on the coffee table in front of me before sitting down on her own chair. I thought they smelled delicious, but at the moment I didn't trust myself enough to keep anything down.

"You look like you've just seen a ghost, what's the matter?"

"What? Oh, uh, nothing. Nothing at all."

"Alright," Mimi takes a sip of her tea while looking at me through the side of her eye. "Well, I just wanted to have a little chat with you, possibly catch up on some things."

"Catch up on what?"

"Nothing much.  Just wanted to know about what's going on between you and John."

At the mention of John's name, I got very close to accidentally spitting out my tea all over the place. "What about us?"

"Well, it has been a while since he's gone to your flat. Usually, he'd be going so frequently that it was like he basically lived there."

My brain was working hard to find a way to phrase it that didn't scream Teen Drama, but I guess it was near-impossible because that was exactly what it was. There was no other way to say besides telling it to her straight to the point.

"Me and John - we got into a misunderstanding." I wanted to slap myself in the face for that one. Misunderstanding? Way to go, Nat.

"A misunderstanding? Of what sort?"

"Ah, it's nothing." I try to dismiss any of her worries with a wave of my hand and some nervous laughter, but that only got me a raised eyebrow back from Mimi. She looked at me as if I was a crazy madman.

She finally gives the topic a rest, and I start to take small nibbles out of one of the scones because I didn't know what else to do that didn't make me look like an utter idiot in front of her. Mimi then gets up and looks out the window, her cigarette in between her fingers.

"Natalie, you do know I'm aware of John's feelings for you. There's been more than one occasion where he's come home after too many drinks and spills his guts - which I'm not too happy about - but nevertheless, I do know. "

"Oh, he did? Are we sure he just wasn't spewing out nonsense as usual?" This, to no one's surprise, was actually a pretty good coverup. Considering that John was well...John.

"And I encourage you to tell him about yours, too."

"I have no idea what you're talking about. Besides, I'm together with Paul and he makes me happy." Lies. Utter lies.

"I would much prefer you over his current girlfriend though. Cynthia, was it?"

"Cynthia's a great girl. She's perfect for John."

Mimi sighed as she took in another long drag of her ciggie. "Ah, teenage love. I wonder if it will take something grand to finally make you two say the bare minimum and say how you feel to each other."

Everything I had said in this past conversation just didn't feel like me. It felt like I was being played like a mere puppet in a puppet master's game. Even I felt like I was slowly losing myself with all these lies I was spreading around.

For instance, Paul and I were far from happy - far, far away from that actually. The two of us hadn't even been on speaking terms for some time now. Not a single word had been relayed between him and me ever since the incident at the Casbah. He was angry, and full of envy whenever I was doing anything with John. Something I never expected to worry about when I first got into this relationship with Paul.

And me pretending to be all surprised when Mimi told me about John? God knows how much I felt for him and cared for him. No matter what I said to encourage myself, I could never really bring myself to tell him. Why did it have to be so hard? All it would take would be just a few words and that would be it. We would all have our dream 'Happily Ever After' like Snow White or one of those fairytales our parents would read to us every night as children.

But nothing could ever be that easy, couldn't it?

I shake my head, trying hard to forget about that daunting cloud of thought that never seemed to stop haunting me wherever I went.

Getting up from my comfy spot on the small sofa, I neat my skirt out by gently swatting at it with my hands.

"Mimi, I better get going now. Started to get busier with school starting back up again and such."

She places her cigarette down in the ashtray next to her and puts it out, smoke rising from it. Mimi looks back at me and gestures with her hand for me to come closer to her. Warily walking closer to her - unsure if she was angry at me or not, as she was hard to read.

To my surprise, Mimi gives me a tight hug. I was unsure what to do with my arms for a bit - because of how shocked I was to get a hug from Mimi of all people - until they finally settled around her.

"Don't say it too late, Natalie."

Those words started to ring in my ears over and over again. She was right. What would it take for me to say anything?

For all I knew, John and I would both be married to other people, all settled down, with no more chances to say anything. Yet this wasn't enough to compel me to take any action, and it was killing me just as much as him.

Would I actually allow for it to go this far?

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a/n: hey everyone! as promised, i'm posting this chapter in place of the update i couldn't do last sunday. i'm feeling a lot better now and will more than likely get back to my sunday schedule. hope you all enjoyed this chapter! <3