you really got a hold on me | john lennon

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

May 29th, 1960

As I pulled the cigarette towards my lips once more, I close my eyes and allow for the smoke to warm me up on the inside as it trailed its way down and calm down all the nerves I had. John's tour with Johnny Gentle had finished its last tour yesterday and they were back home today. After Mimi knocked some sense into me on my birthday I tried to get a reach of John by phone over and over to no avail. It wasn't surprising because I knew that their cycle went from travel to show, but it did make my heart twinge even more because I knew that because I couldn't tell him before he got home. And the fact I really had no idea where their exact venues were made it worse because I had even less of a chance to reach him. I should've told John when I had the chance. Because now the only possible outcome would be the one both Mimi and I were dreading.

I had barely even pulled myself together for today, not having the slightest idea of what to do. I was already bursting at the seams knowing that it was finally time to rip off the bandaid on the matter. No more time for me to stall or dilly-dally around...this was it.

Mimi had insisted on going out to do something else while John and I had our bittersweet reunion, saying she didn't want to intrude on whatever would go down between us. One side of me was extremely grateful because I wouldn't have to hold back on my unfiltered sailor's mouth which I had been doing since I came to Mendips— but another side felt a pit form in my stomach as I watched her walk out the doors, leaving me to deal with my utterly terrifying fate of my own doing.

Every small noise that I could possibly hear was driving me absolutely over the edge. From the occasional creak of the floorboards to the soft wind coming through the windows, there wasn't any sound you could name that I already hadn't overreacted over. It was quite silly, but any noise that had any way of passing to be a knock on the door was enough to freak me out as I waited in anticipation for John to come.

And finally, an actual rapp could be heard from beyond the door. John. He was finally back after being on tour for what felt like a million years to me. Even through my doubts I still was ecstatic to know that he was no longer a phone call away.

Smashing down my cig on the nearby ashtray, I then get up from my seat and head directly for the front door. Right now, my mind was heading in all different types of directions imaginable. But I had to hold it all together. There was no running away from the inevitable and I had to face this as I did with my parents days before.

You can do this, Nat. No going back.

Once I opened the door, I was expecting to see John looking happy as he did come back from his first tour yet — but what I got was the complete opposite of that. His knuckles were white from how tight he was holding on to his bag while his whole body just looked tense. Either the tour went sour last minute or he had found out about my secret while he was away. And based on how Mimi had been acting around me the past few days...I had no choice but to assume the second option. She had ratted me out. The one thing I practically begged her not to do.

"John, what's wrong? Did the tour not go—"

"The tour was bloody fantastic, Nat. That's not what this is about and you know that." He looks down at me with a look that could pass as nothing less of one that was full of disappointment and anger. Seeing him like this was the biggest thing I was afraid of when I was thinking of telling him myself. But the fact that I didn't get to tell him personally made all my doubts turning out to be my new reality all the worse. "Why didn't you think of telling me even once? Especially such a big matter like this! They could've done anything to you and you still kept it from me?"

"I was going to tell you! I swear I was. Just settle down for a damn minute, will you?"

"Settle down? How am I supposed to? We've been dating for a few months now and you still keep treating me like I'm just yer mate, keeping all these fucking secrets from me like it's nothing to you. Wonder what else you might be keeping from me in that brilliantly daft brain of yours."