you really got a hold on me | john lennon

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

March 27th, 1960

Mendips was slowly inching its way to becoming what I called home and I wasn't going to complain about that. It was much more welcoming for me as opposed to the house that I grew up in and was made to believe was the perfect home that everyone dreamed of having.

My parents had noticed me frequently sleeping over with John at Mendips rather than at the house, something I was surprised to know that they even had the effort to care about. Funny how their logic worked — when I was on my knees begging for them to stay for a holiday they would merely bat an eye at it, but when it was me sleeping at John's of all people, then they decided to butt their heads in my business. All I could hear from them nowadays was that I should strive not to end up like what happened to Dot because they were worried about my future and where I'd end up. Or in other words, they didn't want their prim and proper reputation being tarnished by their daughter in seconds. It was tiring to hear them tell me this like a broken record all day long. But was there anything I could really do to even fix it for just a little while? Those two were stubborn as all hell, and I could see where I got it from.

At the moment John and I were in bed together, his hand somehow tangling in mine sometime during the night. He'd heard tons from me about the situation I was in and was irritated that he couldn't do anything about it, the only thing holding him back being me. I wasn't going to let his temper get the best of him and single-handedly add any more stress to what he was already feeling with the happenings of the band.

Even just yesterday before heading over to Mendips they had confronted me on my way out about this whole 'getting knocked up' thing that they'd been pushing just to get in the last word, one that I hadn't told John about yet. And it was hard to keep level-headed about it the whole way through, to say the least.

. . .

March 26th, 1960

"Natalie, what is it about that house that you like so much? Might as well live over there while you're at it." Mum could be seen giving me a judgemental look out of the side of my eye while I was packing a pair of clothes to bring over to Mendips for the night, or maybe the next few days if fate allowed. Something had sparked in her and Dad recently to start nitpicking every single thing I was up to with John as if they had the right after everything they'd done. "You have a house here. You don't need to run off to another family to get that. Other people will think we don't treat you well enough."

"Brilliant idea, Mum, maybe I will move over there. I don't have a home here, anyways. And those people would have hit the nail right on the head if they were thinking that. I wonder what you and Dad's definition of 'well' is." I slip on my black chelsea boots quickly, trying to get ready as fast as I could before I got an earful of nonsense from Mum.

"What did you just say to me? Goodness, Natalie. Your father and I didn't raise you to be like this."

"You're right on that. You and Dad didn't even raise me at all."

"Where is this all even coming from? Your father and I did everything we could to—"

"Oh, please save it. You know exactly where I'm coming from, you aren't stupid. Whatever disappointment I am in your eyes is all on you." I continue to pack up whatever I need into a small bag of mine, disregarding my mother's burning gaze behind me. What could she possibly do to me right now, ground me?

The woman could judge me and antagonize me all she wanted, but all of that would just trace back to her and her own shortcomings. I was past the point of trying to pretend our family was alright and not in the shambles it was — because there was no use in hiding the truth anymore. Anyone with a functioning brain could see through my parents' facade. After pleading dozens of times for us to at least try and fix whatever our situation was, they instead dodged it every single time and filled me up with hollow promises that both of them knew they would never fulfill. All they were fixed on was saving up more money than we could spend for the future. So much that they had allowed for what was happening in the present to zoom past them and turn into yet another distant memory.