Starting Over Again

Chapter 3

Olivia's POV

I wake up in a bright light that blinded my eyes. I closed it immediately and try to remember what happened.

This hospital room is a chrysalis in the worst of ways, for here I am melted down to liquid and reformed into the butterfly, conscious and feeling the process at work. Im here again. I'm laying here again with wires on my hands and gauze wrap around my wounded body.

I wander my eyes, the white walls somehow have a warm embrace for a my could soul. Memories flashed to my mind, from how I got in here and everything I did just to get out from the hell I've been through for the past five years. 

I'm here now at the circle that the pediatric department. My mama made this idea for every child to share their traumatic experience. She also helps them by giving them psychiatric therapy. And I didn't know I will experience this.

Theirs six teenagers gathered and form a circle while nurses and doctors are around us while we talk. They didn't say anything but they are willing to listen.

They shared their traumatic experience, how they end up here and what's going on in their lives. Their treatment and stuff. You'll feel free here because they won't judge you. They listen and are willing to understand your situation and they are happy to help you to get through to this hell you found yourself in.

I look down and start to talk. "Hi, im Olivia. I don't have cancer or diseases. It just- I try to kill myself so many times and I miss my mama. No one believes in me that my mama is still alive they said that im still grieving. They don't know what happened to us that night."

I told them everything. They hug me and cheered me up. I spend my days there for my recovery but I want to come home and wait there for mama. I want to see again the house and feel her memory. I want to eat the food she made us, her cuddles, and the way we argue on little things from what she watched and mom laughs at our silliness. I want her to tuck me in the bed and sing me a lullaby. I want her to kiss me on the forehead like she always did. She and mom are sweet in front of me though and then we cuddle.

I miss her voice that calms me down when I can't sleep. I miss mama so much. I'm longing for her embrace and her care. I'm longing for her.

This longing has become a road I can walk forever, but to see my mama would be such sweet relief. There are times the longing to see mama overwhelms and I feel angry. Anger masks sadness, so that makes sense. There is only so much sadness of separation we can take, right? Well, that's how I feel.

Missing mama was how I grew up, growth is painful for the most part. Yet when we learn these skills we are more than we were, taller and stronger for the struggle.

There is a feeling of emotional safety in learning how to rely on me, and so while I miss mama without measure, this is what I needed to achieve.

"You're awake—"

"Unfortunately,"

Mom's eyes are full of guilt and sadness. From how I answer to her darkly and look at her with no interest hint in my eyes. She didn't know how to approach me, can't blame her, I didn't know myself anymore.

"D-do you need anything? Are you hungry?" She asked. I shook my head. She sighs and tries to make a conversation with me.

"I'm sorry—"

"Leave it. I don't want to talk about it"

"I'm sorry if I leave you- sorry for neglecting you. I'm so selfish. I thought if I move on we can be like before- im—"