♥ 𝕠𝕟𝕝𝕪 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕤𝕞𝕚𝕝𝕖 𝕚𝕤 𝕝𝕖𝕗𝕥 ♥ - 𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕝𝕚𝕩 // DISCONTINUED

♥39: Grief

Chan let out a suppressed cough as he made his way to the bathroom. The night had been way too cold, and the simple sweater he was wearing hadn't helped to keep him warm at all.

A few minutes later, having placed his clothes in a pile on the floor, Chan made a few light steps towards the shower.

Even though he was shivering at the sudden temperature change, Chan still took a moment to look around the familiar bathroom. Not much had changed, the soft Lillie-patterned towels were still hanging on the towel rack, yet they looked much more used and washed out. The pastel green retro curtains were still hanging in front of the bathroom window and the tiles in the shower shone in a beautiful greenish turquoise.

Just how it used to be.

After spending a second of silent hesitation, Chan then jumped into the shower, slowly turned the shower knob and let the first rain-alike drops fall onto his shoulders.

He moved his head down and felt the hot water soak his curly hair. Steam filled the room as Chan just stood there, letting the water cover his body completely in a scalding embrace.

After dazing away in the shower, Chan finally turned off the water after a long period of time and noticed his mother had left his father's old shirt and sweatpants outside the door.

A hint of a sad smile ghosted his lips.

It had truly been too long.

Because of fatigue, Chan barely remembered the sandwich he had scarfed down before his mum gently led him to bed where he tumbled into the soft covers. 

Lulled by the warmth of a full stomach, his fluffy pillow, and his mother's soothing voice telling him to sleep well, for the first time in a while, the curly haired boy finally entered a deep and dreamless sleep.

Chan coughed and his eyes watered viciously as he struggled to open them. Confused, as the world finally came into focus, he sat up and looked around.

Blinking the tears out of his eyes, he finally realised where he was.

This was his room. His old one to be exact.

But before he could reminisce about his amazing childhood in this house or how his room still looked the same way he had left it, his phone suddenly started ringing.

FELIX!

Grabbing his phone from the nightstand in a hurry, he looked at the lock screen. But it was Han who called, not his little Lix nor the nurse... Chan deflated a little but picked up with another cough:

"Chan, you good? ", the older heard his best friend ask.

"Yeah, I'm alright I guess- What's up, squirrel? ", he asked in return, trying not to sound disappointed. Oh, how he would've loved to hear Felix' voice in that moment, or any news on his boyfriend's condition... 

"I just wanted to, y'know, check on you. Did u get to talk to Felix yet? Everything cool? "

Chan already wanted to let his emotions take over, he wanted to tell Han about the car crash, about being unsure whether it really was Felix... But after a short moment of silence, he answered with: " Actually- No, not yet... I think I'll let Felix... calm down a bit. I'll keep you updated tho " 

Immediately regretting the decision of lying to Han, the older bit his lip as Jisung sighed into the phone. "Alright, yeah... You both should take your time. But... If my innocent little Lix is not in my arms soon, I swear- I'll whack the living sh- out of you. With my shovel. And use the shovel to bury you six feet underground. Got it? "

"Yeah- I got it-", Chan uttered, rasping out a chuckle at Han's attempt to cheer him up but quickly fell back into a gloom.

"Alright, take care bro- see ya" 

"*Cough cough* See ya ", he replied, put the phone on the nightstand and let himself fall back into bed, feeling the first tears rolling down his pale cheeks. 

He felt so bad for lying to Jisung, his best friend who had been there for him at all times. However, Chan wanted to wallow in misery himself, wishing he had Felix in his arms. But his hands clenched around nothing but his blanket. 

Crying had always been a healthy release, but for the curly-haired boy it was a habit now. The blue feeling washed in like an unwanted wave, knocking his pretty little sandcastles flat. 

Then what? Was he supposed to construct them again? Get that worn bucket and spade out and make it as pretty as he could all over again? 

He sat up. 

No. No more building, no more castles. 

There was no point.

He turned and stared out of the window, more tears, no surprise there. 

He let them fall, not raising a hand to stop them. They fell down onto the bed in a rain-like pattern and soaked in leaving dark splotches on the pastel blue sheets. 

He wished Felix was there.

So they could build their sandcastles together. 

Unknown to the older, Felix woke up once again. Fluttering his eyes open, he tried sitting up. But no one would notice... it felt like he was trapped inside a solid slab of ice. He kept pushing on the inside, kept on trying to sit up and talk to the nurse who was changing the flowers on his night table, but the outside was numb. Dead.

Felix could hear everything they said, see everything they did, smell the smells of the outside world- a world that he had left behind in a certain way.

Would he be able to come back?

He didn't know...

The freckled boy couldn't feel, and he couldn't make anyone feel HIM. With time, he developed an understanding of what had really happened to him.

He remembered the accident. How he was trapped under the car and how the smoke of the fire filled his lungs and his vision got hazier with every breath. He thought he'd die back then.

He didn't, luckily...

It kind of seemed like he was about to now tho, which was scarier than anything else...

But- was it really that scary?

Did he even want to live?