Rock, Paper, Scissors

49: Facing ghosts II

Another look in the mirror confirmed what I already knew: the new prescription wasn't working. My therapist said it could take some time for my body and brain to adjust to the lower dosage, but it's already been a month, and nothing had improved.

I was exhausted. I was so tired that I moved, ate, spoke, and studied as if I was on autopilot. I didn't want to give up though, I wanted to keep fighting. I truly thought I had healed enough emotionally and mentally that I could handle it, but I was wrong and couldn't hide it anymore.

My friends have already started asking questions. Ava even believed I was pregnant until I told her there could only be one virgin Mary. And Nick, the one who knew the most about my 'issues' but didn't know about the pills, pestered me to see a doctor.

I had managed to make him 'forget' about the idea – if you know what I mean – but, looking at my reflection I knew it was only a matter of time until he remembered.

We were going to have dinner with his father at their house. After the somehow intimate moment they shared, Mark decided it was time to stop hiding away. If at first, he had drowned himself in work because he couldn't handle having his wife abandoned him and their son, it had then become his way of hiding with shame for unwillingly having done the exact same thing.

It got to a point where he simply didn't know how to act around Nick, how to talk to him. And it took that small exchange between father and son for Mark to get the courage he needed to fix their relationship.

Since then, he has always been home for dinner and spent more weekends with his son. Their interactions became slowly more natural, but sometimes a single ill-chosen word was enough to make it seem as if they were back to ground zero.

Today was going to be a good day though. Nick seemed content and excited to formally introduce me as his girlfriend. The thought made me smile, though only for a second as the mirror in front of me reminded me of my current state.

I rarely wore make-up but today was a must. My skin was so pale it contrasted illy with the dark circles under my eyes. After a few minutes of applying and blending the foundation and concealer, I was content with the result and ready to leave.

It was still early in the afternoon when I got to Nick's place, so we decided to watch a movie in his room. His bed and his arms were so comfy that before I knew it my eyes were closing on their own. I allowed my tired body to gave away to the heavy darkness and fell asleep.

I can't breathe! I can't breathe. I need-, I-. I need to wake up!

But I couldn't open my eyes, I couldn't escape the pool of blood and the lifeless body no matter how hard I tried. Tears poured as I tried desperately to find a way out. Something touched my face softly, but I couldn't see what or who.

"Julie," he called with his distant calm voice. "It's okay, Jules. You're okay."

He stroke, my hair with every word, pulling me out of the nightmare. I opened my eyes, my heart storming in my chest. My lips were shivering but I found the light. I found him.

He bore a frown, his lips and jaw tensed, but he didn't let go of my face. He brushed the tears and looked at me, really looked at me as if he was assessing me. Then, he pulled me into his arms and held me tight, kissing my head.

"What's wrong?" Nick didn't know about the night terrors, but I guessed it was about time he did.

"You know about Anthony and how I go to therapy?" I asked still in his arms. I felt him nod and took a deep breath. "Well, the reason I go there is that it haunts me almost every night."

I couldn't help the sob that escaped my lips. Nick was caressing my back in comfort. "The pills help but I've been wanting to stop... I want to be normal. So I talked to my therapist and we started lowering the dose."

"At first I thought it was going well. The time you got drunk and we shared the bed I even managed to sleep through the night without taking anything, but I was wrong... I was so wrong. And now I'm tired, so very tired but I don't want to give up! And I know the truth, I know it wasn't my fault but something inside me is messed up and no matter how much I tell myself the truth it's like deep down I don't believe it."

The tears were rolling down my cheeks as if they came from an infinite pool of salty water.

"Maybe you need to talk to him. Visit his grave and pour your heart to him. It helped me when grams died."

"I manage to go back there at Christmas, but it was so hard. Oh, Nick, it was so hard, and we didn't even pass by the school or cemetery."

Nick pulled away to look me in the eye. "I'll go with you, every step of the way. Remember what you told me about my mother? I think it's time for you to do the same with Anthony. Tell him how you feel, how you felt that day and after. I mean, clearly, therapy isn't getting you there so maybe you should try and confront your feelings once and for all."

I stared at him for a moment and nodded. He was right, if I wanted to move on I had to let go once and for all.

"I think all of the trauma and the nightmares is only you are punishing yourself. Maybe apologizing and saying goodbye to your friend could help. I think you've been punished enough. But this is only if you want to. I'll be there with you no matter what. If you want to go there, I'll go with you and if you are not ready then I'll stay here with you and hold you through the night, through the pain and tears. And I will love you every day to remind you you deserve happiness."

He smiled fondly at me, and I couldn't help my cheeks from burning. It was the first time he said those words. I pulled him closer and held him tight. "Thank you, thank you so much for everything. I love you so very much."