Rock, Paper, Scissors

40: It's Christmas time

I woke up and turned to see Ava still deeply asleep next to me. I looked up at the ceiling, my face heating up from last night's memories. Was Nick about to kiss me? Did I just ruin the moment like a loser? I was so stupid. I covered my face with the pillow, wanting nothing more but to disappear. Ava would be so disappointed. Maybe I was imagining things. I was drunk, I stumbled maybe he wasn't the one getting closer, maybe I was without realizing it. It didn't matter, I decided I wasn't leaving the room without Ava.

I had to wait an hour before she woke up, clearly hangover. We went down and drank some coffee. Tyler was already plastered on the couch, also recovering from last night's festivities. We were soon joined by the other boys in silence. No one was in the mood to talk. The only one who looked alive was, as expected, our designed driver, Nick.

We eventually got some pizzas and started talking about our Christmas plans. Just then did I realize I only had two weeks left to get everyone a gift.

"I'm spending Christmas with my parents in Greece! Can you imagine? The beaches, the warm water..."

"You realize we're in December and it's cold there, right?" Nick pointed out.

"Shut up!" She threw him a pillow. "I'm still packing a bikini, we never know, I might be blessed by a heatwave or something."

We all shared our plans. Everyone was spending Christmas with family, although, in Nick's case family meant only his grandmother. I felt bad for his father but apparently, he was working that day. I doubted it. Something about his expression when I first met him told me he cared a lot for Nick and was hurt by their stranded relationship.

We decided to get together after Christmas to exchange gifts. We made a rule to not spend more than five dollars which made it hard to find something that matched each one of them. I did it though.

I spent Christmas in my old town. I couldn't sleep throughout the trip. When the car drove by the sign naming the town my heart skipped a bit. I felt as if the air ran out of my lungs, I couldn't breathe for a moment, but the pain from my nails digging through my palms unparalysed me. The tears covered my eyes, and it took me everything not to cry. I had to appear okay with this, it was the least I could do for my parents.

It's been years since we last spent Christmas here. My mother felt that I was doing better, my therapist agreed with her and so she asked me how I would feel about going back for Christmas. She didn't want to force me to do anything, but I could see the hope in her eyes, how much she missed her family and her childhood town, how much she wanted it. So, I didn't think twice and said it was a great idea.

"It's a good way to evaluate how I am doing," I added earnestly. What I didn't tell her was that I also felt guilty about imposing all of the travelings on my grandparents and cousins all the time. It's time I changed things.

Yes, something terrible happened there. And yes, I was still haunted by it, but I was tired of being controlled by it. It was time for me to confront it. To face my guilt instead of hiding miles away.

Instead of going through the fastest and shortest way, my dad made a detour. I was going to ask why we were going a different way, but I remembered that the main road to my grandmother's house also led to the school. Even if they thought I was doing better my parents didn't want to push it.

No one asked how I was doing nor commented on the fact that I was finally back, and I was thankful for it. I am not brave. Coming back didn't mean I was ready to face it all. Instead, we talked about shared memories and fun times, how school was going, how my little cousin won a writing contest, how my uncle was finally getting married. Just your normal family conversations. Just normality, the normality I thought would never feel again in that town.