Rock, Paper, Scissors

48: Family tree

"How are things going?" Micah while we were waiting on our order. I snapped my head at him, crooking my brow up.

"Good? I guess? Why?"

"I meant with Nick," he clarified, still not looking at me.

"Things are actually pretty good with Nick. Why? Is there something wrong? Did we say something? Is that why you're not looking at me? What's wrong? Is he-"

"Jeez! Nothing is wrong!" Micah finally met my gaze. "I just didn't know you liked each other like that. I was just wondering how everything is going."

"You don't seem really happy about it." He clenched his jaw for a brief second before looking at me again.

"I was surprised, that's all."

I pat him on the back. "Don't worry, you'll find someone too. I mean look at you, you're cute and have had girls interested before. You won't be our third... wait." I started counting by my fingers and smiled. "Our seventh wheel for long."

"No, no. I'm not worried about that.

"Then what? Have we done something to make you uncomfortable? I thought we were all still acting the same when we're together."

"You are. It's not... Forget it, I really just wanted to know you were fine, we're friends after all."

A wide grin spread on my mouth, and I hugged him tightly. "Friends for life."

We finally got our order and joined the others at our usual table. Noah and Sarah were all lovey-dovey and I hated to admit it, but sometimes I was jealous of that. Nick wasn't one to show affection when we were with our friends and to be honest, I didn't feel comfortable acting like that either. I guess it just wasn't us. We were more the type to look at glance at each other and bicker.

Tyler and Ava's relationship didn't seem to change either, they were still flirty, or should I say Tyler was flirty while Ava always shut him down. So, I wondered what was going through Micah's head as he played with his fries, unaware of the world around him.

Nick's phone rang and the frown and disgusted look on his face told me it was his mother. Surprisingly he got up and left to take the call. Ava sent me a questioning look and I mouthed her the word "mom". She winced at that and turned to the glass doors Nick had just walked through.

Not a minute after he was back at his seat. I wanted to ask him what happened, but I didn't want to push him to talk about it in front of everyone. I hadn't told my friends about Anthony. They already knew about the coach and why his son abducted me, but I hadn't mustered the courage to tell them about Anthony's jump, about how awful I was as a friend to not see what was happening before it was too late.

No! It's not your fault. You can't control everything.

Still, I could've noticed the little changes in him. Fuck, I actually did notice something but thought it was nothing serious, maybe a bad grade. That itself had been a sign something was wrong, though. He was the best in our class and suddenly his grades started dropping. I should have seen it.

You were twelve. You didn't know better; it never crossed the grownups' mind why should it have crossed yours? I repeated the therapist's words in my head. Did you know what depression and suicide were at that time? Did you have any grasp of the concepts? No, you didn't, so how can you notice and prevent something you don't even know exists?

And I knew she was right, but I still held that guilt. It accompanied me everywhere. I couldn't tell my friends about it so why should I force Nick to share his own issues with them?