Secretive - Bucky Barnes

53 || In Between || 🔪

[Steven/Nova]
»She sleeps now, finally.« is the first thing I mention on the phone, Buck on the line. When Nova told everyone about the probable betrayal of her brother, his teaming-up with Chloe, nothing of the heart-breaking vulnerability she had back in the worn hall had shown. She stood like an ice sculpture in front of the little flying machine creating her hologram for all the others of the team, every emotion had left her voice. Her brown eyes much darker than I am used to, every warmth disappeared, replaced by a pitch-black hatred. When she finished, everyone was left speechless about how distanced she seemed.

No one knew she cried in my arms for more than twenty minutes, and I definitely would not tell anyone, not even Bucky. It is unlike me somehow, but I cannot fight it. Nova looked at me, during the way back home and still in the hotel, as she threatened me with death. Then, she started avoiding me, shattering the pieces of my heart that were left from the destruction her sadness created already. I do not really know why she felt the need to illustrate her dismay of me knowing: as if I would ever tell anyone about it.

My heart burst into a thousand shards when I had seen her breaking. I always knew she was not as emotionless as she wants everyone to think, not a stone as dry and cold as a frozen waste. But to see it, to see her emotions overwhelm her and see what impact the betrayal of her brother has on her without any armour, made me want to punch him to death. Never have I ever felt such an enormous bloodlust, not even back then for Johann Schmidt. I want him to pay for what he did to her, for the shivering of her body in my arms, barely able to hold herself up on her own. For her reddened eyes, tears floating her skin like a salty river, for the pain he caused her.

Clenching my fist, I look outside to the rising sun. I need to calm down. It is not my job to get revenge. It is hers.

And Buck's.

But I cannot promise anything if I see that bastard in front of me. He is never going to hurt her again, never. I will never let sorrow and misery touch her like that again.

»Can you, or Tony, or literally anyone get her a phone? I hate not being able to contact her whenever I want. I need to be there for her, now. Maybe I'll take the next flight.« my best friend says, concern consuming his voice, making it shake a little.

Panic rises inside me, and I do not know why. Panic, and something I do not even dare to give a title. »She's gonna know. You can't interfere in the mission. Unless you want her to take the load of your secret, too.«

»But I can't leave her alone, Steve. I can't. I'm getting mad in here, knowing she is unwell and I am not there for her. I promised myself to protect her.« He sounds more desperate than I ever heard him, almost like already married to her. If my heart was not broken already, now it would be the latest. He suffers whenever she suffers, and I suffer whenever one of both of them suffers. Actually, I suffer all around the clock recently, haunted by the feeling of guilt.

»She's not alone. I'm there, Sam also, and she's the strongest girl I know. Or rather, one of the strongest.« My thoughts shortly, for the fraction of a second, travel back some decades, to a woman who was able to assert herself in a war men claimed as theirs. »She's gonna make it. You have important tasks back there, for the whole thing. You can help her with that.«

»Don't you want me to come, Steve?«

Whyever, I can feel heat crawling up my body, blood shooting into my cheeks. I turn my back in Nova's direction, standing in the kitchen of her darkened apartment. It is almost like mine, but it is purple instead of yellow. »No, how'd you get that idea? I'm just thinking practical. I don't know if she's able to take it.« I grow quieter to the end, not wanting to reveal anything to her. I would dare her to remember every word of mine during her sleep and confronting me with a gun on my head tomorrow.