Secretive - Bucky Barnes

38 || The Feeling Of Pain

[Nova]
Fury is gone as fast as he has been there. Obviously, the only purpose for his presence has been my interrogation, which succeeded, and now I am fully working for the Avengers. Or rather, in a testphase for working for the Avengers.

Tony likes to replace the word »for« with »with« or »aside«, but I rather call it what it is. I work for them, try to help them, and gain something back: James's protection, a second home, all the promises that Tony gave me.

Also, he told me to do whatever I liked to, as long as I do not leave the Tower, because soon enough, we would start operating against Chloe Vermentro.

In my free time, I mostly told people about my future absence. For my friends, the cause is a mission of the Avengers I am about to follow eye-to-eye. They did not question it, assuming the reason being the internship, and I did not correct them. With that, I did not lie to them, only left out a few details. They all thought it cool, wanted me to send them pictures and videos of their heroes – Brian's words, not mine - in action, ignoring I already mentioned a thousand times I would not get to do it, for privacy and secrecy reasons. 

Being able to tell James simplifies a lot. I have someone to talk to about it, at least, theoretically. Practically, I need to have a talk about all this with him first, before I can start telling him from my real past, the bad sides, not just the common memories everyone has, like the bad school days when you have to walk home in rain, or the parties at the age of fifteen. And that is something I fear. I do not know what will come out of the conversation, but a feeling in my stomach tells me it is nothing I should look forward to. Unnerved, my palms rub against each other in cold sweat.

I do not know how to tell my parents, though. Dad has been the happiest seeing me out of that dangerous business, always being my teacher, but not proud of how great I turned out. In his words, way greater than the last generations.

My mother always blamed it on the genes, that some day some even more superior being would come and gave herself credits for the process of mine as well, but that did not help neither. Telling them I was back in business, and fighting a Vermentro of all people; I do not know if they could carry the weight, or if they would care for someone to kidnap me instead.

Luckily, I have another family member. »You're sure about this? You could still, you know, escape.« Jonas's middle-pitched voice echoes from the phone. I turned the speakers on, and now I lay across the bed in my new room, arms and legs spread from me, phone left of my head. I really have to do something about all the greyness in here if I am going to stay any longer.

»I could never leave James.«

»Urgh, you became so damn cheesy, Nova.«

»I've always been cheesy.«

He sighs. »Is he really worth it? Have you even thought about the consequences?«

»Yes, and yes. But even if the world knows I am back, I got the Avengers in my back. There is nothing any mafia boss could do against one of Tony Stark's blasting hands.«

»Says a girl not believing in heroes outside of books.«

»I don't think of him as a hero.«

»Sounds quite like it.«

»I know the difference between someone with power to protect me, and someone digging for altruistic reasons for the last bit of energy inside them to save humanity.« I say, slightly annoyed but happy to have someone to talk to nonetheless. It eases the tension inside me better than my previous yoga-session.

»I just... I cannot imagine, that is all.« he responds, probably walking up and down in his flat in Munich right in front of his edgy white couch. I always wondered why he had chosen this colour; it would become dirty sooner or later eventually, if not by him - and he would not do it, he is even more neatly and clean than mum, like an obsession - one of his friends would. To now, though, everything stayed well.