Secretive - Bucky Barnes

1 || Great Expectations

[Nova]
»You really should give him another chance. You're too hard on him.« my best friend Carly states on the other end of the line.

»He's got so many already.«

»He's got two.« Her voice becomes deeper with every of my responses, indicating at the measure of her annoyance. The light tone long faded, I feel like talking to the Grinch after fifteen minutes of arguing back and forth. »And all good things are three. You told me you liked him, so stop being so mad and shy about it. You're nineteen and never had a boyfriend, but simped for like a million fictional men. Life's out there, not in between pages.«

I do not even think about explaining to her how immensely false she is. Carly would never understand. Men out there usually end up with drugs, alcohol problems, abusing and whatever else possibly imaginable red flags there are. Being stabbed by a hot, morally grey character in the other hand, is something most girls dream of. Sighing, my fingers rub the back of my nose, eyes closed. »Fine. But this is his last. For all time.«

»Don't forget your smile when he enters. Dates rely on the first impression.« she reminds me, the depth of her voice filling with a spark way too similar to hope.

»Well, he's got a pretty good one, always finding excuses shortly.« I counter sarcastically, moving from my bed into my bathroom. My body feels heavy from knowing I am going to prepare myself for nothing, an effort as much worth as talking to a wall and trying to get it to understand something. Wow, it is as much worth as my efforts to make my best friend understand how absolutely time-wasting this is.

Carly snorts, excuses herself and ends the call, not really busy but probably to not disturb me getting ready and being my distraction, being something I really want now, saying something to convince me not to go. Self-handicapping at its finest.

There is no way this is will end up in a red velvet dream.

It is not that I go on dates often, especially not with boys I know from the internet. I rather prefer the old-fashioned way, meeting in a bookstore by choosing the same novel, or running into him, accidentally. And with that boy, Zac, I chat for months now via social media, and whenever he asks me for a date, he either does not show up, or he cancels right before. And with right before, I mean five minutes, after I passed all the art of putting make-up onto my face and hours of clothes-picking. I cannot say I am motivated now or see any glimps that this is going otherwise then the former times, but since Carly is annoyingly convincing and knows that in the beginning, I really have been interested in Zac, she would not stop. She would even drag me there by pulling on my ear.

I put on only casual make-up for once, assuming nothing, then walk to my wardrobe and choose a black plain sweater, jeans and white shoes. It is autumn now in New York, and the wind is getting colder, helping the date pointing out the incoming end of October. Grabbing my black handbag and my keys, I pull the front door of the little flat I live in open - just to hesitate. I probably should bring something to pass the time. Even when he really shows up, I do not dare him in the least to be on time.

*

It was the right decision to bring Charles Dickens' Great Expectations. I sit for at least half an hour on the window side in the café he proposed, and still, there is nobody. Though it is pretty comforting in here, with cushions over all vintage banks and chairs and a fitting wallpaper, there even is a chimney close and considering the heavy rain outside, it could also be a place to read in a huge library.

I feel alone. One more time I came, one more time I could do something necessary instead, like studying for exams or even house cleaning. But no, I did listen to my best friend and fell right ahead into the next disaster. I should have known better. I knew better. And it does no good for my confidence.