Painting Annalise

33.The troubled waves

I've decided to leave this line for comments on the motivational pictures <3

My eyes watch the waves as they carry each other, crawling in anger to the shore soaking my jeans up to my knee enough to scare any passer-by. Fortunately for me, the beach happens to be empty today for reasons really obvious. The news forecast had predicted a storm today so the heavy grey clouds had made the day look like night faster than anyone expected. They all loved their lives too much to risk it but I felt nothing. No craving for the sticks, no interest in art, no fascination with Brayden, no desire to go home.

Nothing.

As I stand in the water, the numb feeling in me begins to fade as a traitorous tear slides down my cheek. Every fucking emotion I ever hid pours out and my chest aches from the weight it has been carrying for so long.

I remember my dad's reassuring smile no matter how hard I seemed to fail at life tests. To his encouraging words he never seized to deliver no matter how real my fake smile looked. He always saw through me, sometimes we did speak but I was too closed off for him to read me well enough.

I remember our park outings where he would buy me ice cream and Aaron milkshakes every Saturday, after making us do all our homework the night before.

The Sunday dinners that only felt good because of his regular childhood tales.

Things changed after my trip to rehab and I couldn't help but blame myself for the distance he gave me. Things became limited - whereby just like the rest I was perceived as a selfish child with only goals to be sad forever.

Everything begins to crash on me as my chest burns with a foreign feeling. The tears spill from my eyes as the lump in my throat keeps choking me whenever a wail tries to escape. He's never coming back and that's the truth I have to accept.

For so long, I have continuously lied to myself he was on some business trip. And watching people clear out his belongings today was every fucking proof I needed.

Maybe it was the fact I had never said the words with my own mouth to confirm what I knew. To confirm what everyone had accepted and moved on from.

He was gone, never to return again.

Taken away from me, when there are worse people who deserve it. The first person to ever understand me in this fucked up world.

As if the torture wasn't enough, I see the green eyes.

The clear image of him kissing the nameless girl is imprinted on my brain like a bloody tattoo. And this past week, anytime I saw him all I saw was the image being replayed over and over in my mind. Wasn't I a good enough reason to say pass? my mind repeatedly asked

Remembering him made the tears pour some more and today I don't wipe them away or blame the rain, because a part of me knows I need to feel this pain to move on.

We have nothing after what seems like five months of building a friendship, and two of opening up. We were left with nothing because of my insecurities. A deathly chuckle escapes my lips at my thoughts as if he would go for a charity case like myself.

My tears fall as I laugh at how stupid he must have seen me when I started developing feelings. Hell, I didn't know I had these feelings till his birthday party and I wish I never knew I had them. Maybe that way we would still meet on the roof, with him regularly irritating me.

The one rule I always stuck by, I broke just for the sake of finding him interesting.

The one rule that saved me from feeling this pain I felt when I was in middle school, similar to the one of that night. It was because I also broke the rule.

It was easy to follow: People change, don't let your guard down.

Yet, I did.

I opened up to a stranger I knew faster than I opened up to my brother. It felt good and for once it didn't turn out right.

The nameless girl sat at our table this past week. He brought her and the worst thing was everyone but Jacob seemed to enjoy talking to her. Brayden was his normal self with no hint of hurt but, he didn't act as we did on the roof. We didn't even go there once this week.

She was pretty enough to have Chris interested, and her twin brother was enough to have Lori speak to her.

The only time this week their attention was on me was when the stupid girl had the guts to ask why I don't speak. My silence made her feel inferior and it was clear from the joke she tried to pull after. "Is she like a freak or something?" Her exact words as she chuckled lightly.

Emotionlessly I stared at her trying to find out what made Brayden switch up so fast. What did she have that I didn't? She did look half Armenian while I am as dark as caramel, but Brayden never had a thing against my race so it wasn't that. Her eyes were plain black so it wasn't that because he likes brown. Especially my pale ones. Her lips were thinner than mine, and her nose looked crocked maybe she played sports. Was it because I didn't play sports?

She is taller than me, but not smarter than me. Yes, I paid attention when she said her scores. My mind screamed for what it was. I searched and I couldn't really find anything except how it appeared that she was in his life before me.

When no one laughed, her eyes refused to meet mine. I remember Jacobs's deadly laugh as he sat up. "The faster you get rid of her, the better for you man," He said to Brayden, I didn't bother staring at her anymore since the moment was gone, any staring after that will make me seem obsessed.

"Come on Annalise, I have something to show you" he saves me the second time in a week.

"is she like your girlfriend or something?" The girl asked Jacob as we got up.

Ignoring her, he carried my bag turning to leave before turning back to look at our table. He chuckles shaking his head in what seemed like disbelief or pity.

"fuck all of you" his voice held so much disgust I couldn't help the chuckle that escaped my lips.

As I remember all their facial expressions especially Chris' I can't help but laugh as I walk away from the ocean. Not today, i tell myself as I think of what life may give me next week.

Oh Jacob, if only you knew you just saved a life.

Writing this chapter was so emotional for me, I really hope I was able to create a vivid image for you all ❤️