Painting Annalise

23.The unexpainable pain

I've decided to leave this line for the motivational quotes <3

The usual silent dining table is bubbly and it actually makes me calm. From my mum's endless questions to Lori's well-crammed answers. She would say something as silly as how she loves taking only one flavour at a time from an ice cream tub and somehow make it sound like the most interesting thing ever. Sometimes I secretly envied her confidence, Lori was the type to fall only to get up the very next second, and that's why unlike me, she has her aspirations listed and is willing to work for it.

Dinner comes to an end and Lori decides to help my mum with the dishes even though she's aware of the dishwasher that has been turned on. Instead of staying with them, I opt to set up my room for us to watch a movie then sleep off or whatever girls do at these things. I know there were times I slept at Lori's house to escape my terrors but it was never planned, it would just be me knocking on the door at night and she'll open up without question. And whenever she tried to come over I had a book of excuses to keep her away.

"I'm so fucking full" her groaning announces her presence as she enters the room

I hide my smile at how she wobbles to the bed, "next time don't stuff your face" I could say it aloud, but it just seems like something that would be better if it was grumbled.

"it's not my fault it tasted amazing"

I try paying attention to her while struggling to fix up the tv, and it's at that moment I realize I have no patience for things that don't work on the first try.

"your mum is an amazing cook" she goes on

"oh my god Lori, it's food from the restaurant" I snap with some unexplainable frustration. Somewhere in my heart, I know my mum is a splendid cook but the greater part of me wants enough silence to think.

She doesn't seem to see how upset I am or she's just drunk on food because she laughs.

It's a simple laugh yet, it upsets me  because I know I have no reasonable excuse to be upset with her. After a mini argument which consisted of Lori mostly yelling, I finally let her watch the cliche romance movie, my attention fades away too fast for me to get the title till all I hear are her sniffs. I don't understand how it affected her so much, like does she know these people get paid to act this?

That even though it's had to guess, some of them have a life worth living while some do this to escape Hell's Kitchen.

I guess no one told her that because at the end she's bawling her eyes like it was the love of her own life that's dead.

Why was the actress even crying, she should be happy that her boyfriend gets to be free from this pain we call Earth? I mean what's so wrong with death, people fear it so much. They live horrible lives and they still fear death, isn't the pain worth throwing away for eternal peace. And that there is what I tell myself every time I miss my dad a little bit too much.

"Why aren't you crying?" she manages to stutter in between her tears, although her tone holds no hint of surprise maybe because she knew I wouldn't end up in tears

"because unlike you, I know this is just some good acting" I grumble looking for something else to watch

"This happens to real people too Anna" she whispers wiping away all her tears

"because they let it happen to them," I say tired of whatever discussion we were going to have

"It's called love Anna, it blinds people," she says quietly

"Love hurts Lori, it's the risk they're willing to take" My patient becoming thinner

"but..."

"can we just watch something else" My voice unknowingly rises, cutting her off

She looks like she wants to say something but decides not to, I sigh before turning to her "I'm sorry for yelling" it's all new; and so when my heart picks up just for my little apology, I don't wait for her response instead,  I turn and pick a new movie.

From her expression, I can tell she didn't expect an apology and one thing I'm grateful for with her is that she knows when saying nothing is needed. And today she took the hint. Halfway through the second movie, she's fast  asleep. And for some reason, the thought of her getting cramps has me contemplating carrying her.

I manage to lift her to the bed and it's not until I place her on the bed that her eyes finally open.

"I'm sorry for pushing you Anna" she whispers still sleepy

"it's ok, get some sleep" I turn off the tv, one look at Lori who's already fast asleep again and I know I'm not going to sleep anytime soon so I head to the balcony.

Shutting the glass door gently, I place the cigarette between my lips and light them. The smoke immediately relieves my system today went ok, yet my mind seems restless and so I repeat the process till my anxiety slips away.

I refuse to believe I'm a smoke addict. My smoking urges can be kept under control, when I needed it to.

It wasn't something I would die without but if my body begged for it, nothing on Earth could quench the hunger but the little stick.

I had tried doing drugs once; I felt nothing. It took away my pain, but I hated it. I wanted that pain; I enjoyed it. And with everything everyone seemed to dislike, I enjoyed. I like how my brain feels too heavy and how my thoughts stop for a while. Even though I never really smoke till I'm high, I take enough to calm every nerve.

Alcohol was once an interest of mine, I hated the concept of embarrassing myself under the influence in front of people - that was the lie I told. The truth was for me alone. My alcohol addiction kind of faded along the line. It had been almost a year plus since then. Don't get me wrong there was just a period of time I went down a black hole in my life. And it wasn't something I wanted to relive.

Only the cigarette sticks calmed me, and Brayden didn't like them.

Whenever I lit a stick I couldn't help but feel a little bit of guilt, like I was betraying him. Twice, I had wasted a wrap because of these reasons but today wasn't one of them. Even though I may have overreacted yesterday, I expected him to at least call or text me but I got nothing. It's so embarrassing that the whole situation is eating me up so much and all I can do is act like I don't care.

My cheeks feel wet. Today It's not raining so the tears are to blame. This hurts and I know i am to blame, maybe this time I pushed too far and now he realized how pathetic I am so he didn't bother. I don't know why it bothered me so much, I'm such a burden.

The sun begins to rise sending the moon away and I take it as my cue to lay in bed to pretend I slept all night.

Lori is still fast asleep, her light snores fill my room but they don't bother me. Ignoring them I lay next to her.

A few minutes later, Lori is cuddling me like I'm some stuffed animal and instead of fighting it I just let my mind relax, and soon enough sleep consumes me when half of the town is probably waking up.

Wow. This has been a while, I think a month? I've just been having a tough time continuing this book because of the response I was getting.

But lately, I've felt just good enough to write.

So I want to say thank you to all who reached out to me, through private messages and my message board.

I'm getting better, I'm speaking to myself and I just hope to encourage everyone writing something that, the audience is tough but I promise if you keep going it will end in joy.

Good luck ❤️