The Younger Girl

Chapter 45

Collae

It's something about carrying a child and having that connection with them. I loved my mother. She was my rock. When I lost her and my dad it was like a nightmare. I thought to myself there's no way they could be dead. I loved my parents but that mommy daughter relationship is one of a kind. When they passed of course I felt like my entire world was gone but I learned to deal with pain and death knowing everything will be okay. I know my parents are looking over me and I know they're still with me. I can feel their presence in hard times. Especially now.

15 hours ago...

Me and Kaitlyn decided to chill in the house and watch some movies and pull an all nighter. We hadn't hung out in what felt like so long. I was just so stressed and all over the place and she made me feel better.

The talk with Theo's mom made me feel better but it only lasted for so long. I found myself going back into that dark place and dark thoughts. It was so hard to leave there so soon.

My emotions were too much for me and I didn't know how to handle it. All I could think about was my life and where I've ended up.

I could feel myself start to tremble often and my heart beat at a scary pace.

"Kaitlyn something's wrong," I winched and held my stomach at the sharp pains attacking me.

"Collae what's wrong?" She sat up quickly holding my hand.

"I don't know, ah!" I hunched over unable to move.

"Collae oh my god," Kaitlyn's eyes went wide and looked down at my pants. I was bleeding, "Collae we have to go to the hospital right now!"

"Call my nana," She quickly sprinted downstairs and my nana came running into my room with her.

"Oh my god Collae!" My nana came to help me up along with Kaitlyn, "Everything's gonna be alright baby we gonna get you to the hospital." I could sense the panic in her voice.

~~~

"Is she okay?" I wailed as my nana held my hands. I watched as the doctor and nurses were silent my eyes closing and opening repeatedly. Why was it so quiet?

I had been in so much pain.

The nurses all shared a look after the doctor looked to be holding something small.

It couldn't be.

"What's wrong ?" I watched my grandmas, as she let go of my hand. I watched as the nurses directed my grandmother out the room. What was wrong?

"I-Is something wrong ?" I could feel myself getting shaky, "Please somebody is my baby okay?"

I liked to believe that everything worked out in the end. After seeing my tiny lifeless baby in my arms, I don't know if i have faith or hope anymore. Was I meant to be happy? Was a happy ending intended for me. My parents dead at 14, I got pregnant at 16, I get betrayed and violated. I thought I was doing everything right. I tired to stay out of trouble, I prayed...it's moments like these that make me question my beliefs and faith.

I'm just a kid.

A kid who lost so much in little time. I wanted a break from pain. I wanted a break from hurting.

"I'm so sorry Miss Heart, we did everything we could."

But is there such thing as a good life without pain?

Do we need pain to say we have lived?

This wasn't just pain... when my baby girl left me I left with her. A piece of me died with her. I felt hopeless and alone. I gave birth without the support of my baby's father, I dealt with her death alone. No one to hold me but my grandmother. Theo's parents of course were a help to me but they couldn't help me in the way I needed. I needed my other half with me I needed Theo.