AMOUR

Chapter 35.

ROYA

The whole ride back home from Jordan's hotel was filled with silence. There wasn't even a song playing and I forced myself to keep my mind blank. I looked out of the window as the streets passed by. I was still in the backseat, all the energy drained from me. 

When Denver parked his car in my building's guest parking, I still didn't move. I couldn't. Nothing made sense anymore. 

He gently opened my door, bent down to take my hand and pulled me out of the car while I stared at nothing. He held my waist as we took the elevator and took the keys out of my purse, struggling a little since he was also holding my heels but he managed. 

When we enter the dark apartment, I did not expect Ian and Anna to be wide awake, watching a a movie in the living room. 

Denver shut the door behind us gently and I slowly took a few steps towards my room hoping no one would interrupt but that wasn't possible. 

"You're back, come on, you have to tell me how your date-" Anna starts but stops when she turns her head from the couch to look at me. Ian following her sight. 

"What's wrong?" Ian asks as they both get up. Denver hold my waist from behind and a small sigh leaves me knowing he's here. 

"Can Denver stay the night? Please?" I manage to say. My voice clearly telling them I've been crying. 

Ian looks up at Denver, they have a conversation through eyes while Anna tries to study me.

"Of course, let us know if you need anything," Anna softly offers and holds Ian's hand to drag him with her, clearly understanding that I need time. 

"Roya," Ian's voice is soft and concerned and questioning. He wants to know. 

"Can we talk in the morning?" I ask, rubbing my hands on my sides. 

Ian nods and kisses me on the head before allowing Anna to drag him. 

Denver moves me to my room and shuts the door. We don't say anything. He steps in front of me and wipes my face. I didn't know I was crying. He moves his hand in my hair, taming them. Slowly moving his hand to my ears, he removes my earrings, the only jewelry I was wearing tonight. He bends and rolls the dress up as I automatically raise my arms so he can remove it. He walks to my closet and brings out a large t-shirt, dragging it down my face and helping me take my arms out. 

Once he's done, I wipe my face and remove the minimal makeup I had on. I can't feel my hands but they're working somehow. When I'm completely bare, I see Denver sitting on the bed in only his boxers. He looks up and moves back on the bed, opening his arm for me to be the little spoon as we lie down together. He pulls the cold comforter over us and wraps his arms around me. I sink further into him, squeezing my eyes closed.

He presses his lips to the back of my head. "Let it out baby," he whispers and as if his words were the breaking point I was waiting for, a sob escapes my lips. 

I cry in his arms as he holds me. He doesn't say anything as my silent tears switch with loud cries. He doesn't say anything when I find it hard to breathe, he just holds me, moving his hand up and down my arm. 

"Why does it hurt so much?" I ask when I finally manage to control my voice. 

"Why does it feel like someone crushed my heart in my chest and then left it there to suffer?" I question again. 

"Because someone did," his words are calmer.

"Am I not enough?" I whisper and his arms go tense. 

"Roya.." he warns. 

"Am I not lovable?" I say everything that is going through my brain out loud. 

He turns me around in his arms to face me. It's dark but the slight moonlight makes his eyes and the outline of his body visible. He cleans the remnants of tears and kisses my forehead making me shut my eyes. 

"You are more than enough Roya," he whispers, "and I love you so fucking much that it hurts to see you hurt."

"He.." I start, "he knew," I say and it pains me just to think about it.

"I know baby," Denver wraps his arms around my shoulder and waist and pulls me towards him. I bury my face in his neck, pressing my forehead over his shoulder hard so that my brain stops hurting.

I- I never did anything bad to people, then why do people do this?" I question, my words muffled as they are spoken against his skin. 

"It's a fucked up world Roya," Denver rubs my back and I can't help but imagine that one day he'll leave me too. One day, he'll wake up and hurt me because it's that easy. I'm vulnerable and he'll take advantage of that. One day, he'll leave and I'll break all over again. How many times do I break until I can't break anymore? How many more people do I lose before I stop letting them in? Mom and Dad, Ryan, Jordan and then Denver. They all left and he'll leave too. 

"Shh Roya," he whispers and I realize I've started sobbing again. 

"I can't do this anymore," I say when I'm quieter. 

"Do what?" he questions back, his tone so soft.

"Letting people in only for them to leave me one day, it's exhausting and I just can't," I explain, shaking my head.

"I'm not leaving Roya, I'll always be here. And so will Ian and Anna and Dave," he tells me. 

"You know," he starts, "Jordan wanted to tell you," he says and I move back to look up at him.

"You knew?" I ask, and he shakes his head.

"No, no, I just knew he was hiding something," he says and rests my head back on his forehead, "the day he smoked? he was here to talk to you I guess and when you weren't here, he drank because he couldn't take it. He told me about you, how you love food, and car rides, and travelling and he told me how he doesn't deserve you," he sighs. 

"He really doesn't," I almost whine. 

Denver chuckles at my response and I'm glad he finds humor in this situation. 

"He doesn't Roya," he agrees. 

"Then why can't I stop loving him?" I question. I want to stop. 

"Because that's not you Roya, you can't stop loving someone even after they hurt you," he moves his hand in my hair, playing with them. 

"The thing is, Jordan is the stupidest person I've ever known," he deadpans and I laugh for the first time in aa few hours. 

"And even if what he did was so wrong, he really regrets it Roya," he lightly tries to save him. 

"You're already defending him," I tell him, my tone sad. 

"I'm not defending him, well maybe I am but just think about it Roya," he gently says. 

"I just want to stop thinking," I tell him. 

"I'm sorry," he whispers, "we'll talk whenever you want to," he holds me tighter. 

"I'll have to talk to Ian in the morning, he needs to know," I say, already fearing the conversation that hasn't taken place yet. 

"If anything, Jordan deserves whatever Ian does to him," Denver shrugs. 

"Sleep babe," he says and I intervene our legs. 

I sleep, wishing that somehow, I don't wake up tomorrow.