Needing Adelaide | ✓

21 ~ Strong and Anxious

Jonathan

     Being strong for Adelaide is more important than my worries. When she held my hand for support in the elevator, I did exactly that. I supported her. All the while a voice in my head was screaming at me to not let her walk into that apartment with her mother. That if she entered she would either not come back out and I'd never see her again, or that she would come up to the roof and tell me that we couldn't be together.

She emits this light, this warmth that I can't let go of. I can't. If I do I'll be plunged back into the darkness. But I have an itching feeling her mother will convince her of the truth. That I'm no good, that I'll ruin her, that she'll regret ever bumping into me on the roof that day.

The last time I ever saw my father, he made sure to enlighten me of this fact. He had found out what had happened from Bree's parents showing up at our apartment the day after she was admitted into the hospital. The whole time Bree's mother screamed at my father about how disgusted she was that he would raise such a son my father just glared at me. I knew right away there was no convincing him of the truth. He profusely apologized and sent them on their way and once he shut the door behind them he picked up a near by glass and hurled it at my face, causing it to shatter on the wall next to my head. I flinched but didn't dodge and a stray shard made a minuscule wound to open on my chin.

He told me that he regrets ever agreeing to let me stay with him instead of sending me to France with my mother and sister. That she should've been the one to deal with such a disappointment of a son. Then he cried about how he failed as a father. I worked up the courage to tell him the truth the next day but when I got home from working at the gym he was gone and so was all his stuff. All that was left was a note saying he'd pay for rent but he couldn't handle seeing my face. That was the last straw, I couldn't hold it in anymore.

I cried.

I sobbed so intensely that it felt like knives were gouging into my heart and my chest was being strangled of oxygen. I started to dry heave, like my body was trying desperately to rid itself of the emotional pain. The painful truth that my father could ever believe that his own son was capable of committing such evil and atrocious things to another human being. I know that I'm not open about my feelings but to think that that is all it takes for someone to assume I have it in me to tell a girl to kill herself. It's so heartbreaking.

Just by existing I caused so much pain. Just by being kind to a girl I made her hate me so much. Enough to not want to live in a world with me in it.

I'm terrified that my mere presence will make Adelaide's life like mine. That she'll become a pariah, that she'll be harassed. That she'll become alone and so full of pain she'll want nothing more than to see me erased from her memories.

I have my arms folded while leaning against the roof railing. I watch as a woman strolls past the building walking her dog. My thoughts are still running circles in my mind when I hear the rooftop door creek open.

My gaze shoots to the direction of the sound, landing on Adelaide. A uncontrollable panic takes over when I see her eyes are puffy from crying. I want to rush towards her and hold her in my arms but fear of what she is about to say is keeping me from moving.

She slides her pain filled green eyes to mine and offers a comforting smile.

I open my mouth to say something, anything but nothing comes out. I try to wipe my anxiety from my expression by smiling back but I don't think it worked. Adelaide's face turns concerned then she walks to me.