Savin' Me (Part 1 of 3)

Part 8 Connor's

Raya's POV:

Throughout that whole car journey, I was nervous, jittery, I wanted the ground to open up the bottom of the car and swallow me whole. Every horrible thought ran through my head "was Connor going to kick off?" "would Nathan be able to hold his tongue and let me handle Connor?" or "would Nathan punch Connor straight in the mouth?", I can't even relax the very thought of being back at Connor's flat gave me a thousand sickly butterflies in my belly that if I could vomit now I'd do it. Nathan looks over with a dreadful feeling behind his eyes "Raya?" said Nathan, I face him "sorry babe" I say "don't be" said Nathan "I'm just worried I know what he's like" I say "Raya so do I" said Nathan "no you don't not the way I do" I say "Raya he's a coward babe all he'll ever be" said Nathan, I know what Nathan's saying is right and I know he cares so deeply about me but that doesn't stop the earthquake of fear I feel every time Connor's name is mentioned. 

"Raya" I turn to look at Nathan again "what? what's up?" I ask "if you want a cigarette or two or three you're welcome to have them," said Nathan "you don't allow it though," I say reminding him of his own car rules, "babe rules are made to be broken sometimes and this would be one of those times," said Nathan, I go in the glovebox where Nathan keeps his and my cigarettes, I take out a carton, open the lid securing the cigarettes take one out, then grab Nathan's skull lighter, press down the flint and wait until a flame pops up and I put the cigarette to the flame when it's lit, I take my first drag of the cigarette and inhale until I have that full mouth burning with the taste of tobacco hot in my mouth. I see Nathan nodding over and a small smile crosses his lips. I keep taking drag after drag on the cigarette until we finally arrive at Connor's block of flats.

This is where the trouble started;

I stayed put in Nathan's car for a few minutes, just trying to pluck up enough courage to walk over to the building, press the buzzer and tell Connor I was there and then to go up to his flat and get my stuff and leave as quickly as I came. I felt nauseous, physically sick, I wanted to throw up, I felt like every footstep that was ready to be taken was going to be like jelly as my shoe hit the pavement. I inhale and exhale trying to calm my anxiety, I want to fill up with tears but I don't want to show Connor any weakness as I go up there weak he can tear me a new one.

I feel Nathan's hand go on my shoulder as I took the last exhale "you ready?" asked Nathan I nod my head shakily I don't want to do this but I've got to "okay let's do this together babe", Nathan took his hand off my shoulder, got out the car and came around to my side to let me out of the car, I put a foot out of the car and I'm almost taken aback by the fact that my shoe hit the floor, now to get the other one out. All in time Raya, all in time. It takes me a minute but soon my other foot hits the pavement. I get up, Nathan's right thereafter shutting the car door after me and he takes my hand. As I walk my legs get that jelly-like feeling to them where I am almost trembling with fear, Nathan walked really slowly to the point I know he's trying to be as patient as possible with me and not trying to rush me, his hand in mine taking each step forward until we reach the door.

When we're finally at the door, my arm and finger moving slowly to press the buzzer, when the buzzer finally rings, I take my finger off the buzzer and that's when I hear like a phone taking off the hook "hello?" said Connor's voice "Connor it's Raya" I say, trying my hardest to be brave and not trying to shed a tear of fear. "Oh right come on up," said Connor's voice, he must have put the phone back on the hook and Nathan pushed the door, we both went through. The flats Connor lived at was like a prison courtyard outside, where if you looked in the far distance you could see a druggy going to his dealers to get his fix, you could see it all it's a weird building imagine a building that looks like Notre Dame stretched out to a few extra feet and an extra two widths in size. I head up step by step, stair by stair, Nathan walks at my pace, he held my hand throughout the whole journey, taking each step at my time. If I'm honest the walk up the stairs would have taken hours with the pace I walked that day, I physically didn't want to walk up those stairs but I knew having Nathan there as my bit of strength was better than being alone.

Eventually, we made it outside of Connor's flat door "17A Groves Gardens" stated Nathan reading the plaque on the door, I get really jittery as Nathan rang the doorbell I stood waiting like I needed a wee after holding it in, the jelly-legs came back, until I heard footsteps inside the flat and this is where I got the most uncontrollable tremor ever, knees were knocking, teeth were chattering, I felt Nathan's arm go around me in my head I'm telling myself "don't show weakness Raya" and "be brave Raya-Leigh Bennett" my head trying to tell my body to stop, to cease action but the closer the footsteps came the harder it was to control myself.

I heard the latch go, I saw the handle go down until the door was opened fully. Connor looked totally unrecognisable, he'd had a haircut, his hair was dyed black (the same colour as his heart and soul), his eyes piercing like a python, eyes that were the same way they always were cold and unfeeling, he wore a pair of ripped jeans with a Lyle&Scott grey sweatshirt, I still see the evil in his eyes after a year and a half of being with Nathan and no makeover will ever cover-up the ugliness that lies deep inside those piercing, blue, inhuman eyes. 

"Come for your stuff?" said Connor, aggressively "yeah if you don't mind" I snap back, Connor pulls out a bag of clothes even though I don't remember half of them, I take a look inside the clothes bag and in it is a small jewellery box that Connor had bought me one Christmas, I look for the watch Levi had bought me for my 18th birthday but it isn't there, I panic as I search through the jewellery box "where's that Vanity rose gold watch?" I ask "what everything's in there!" exclaimed Connor "you fucking thick or something?" Nathan's eyes grow a fire as he faces Connor.

You know at the beginning of this story in part 2 when I said this isn't my story this is Nathan's here is the start of all the trouble that was yet to come:

"Don't you dare speak to her like that when I'm around mate?" said Nathan, Connor scoffed and shrugged it off, Nathan's finger was ready for the jab "what you going to do?" said Connor "nothing whatsoever?" said Nathan with a big smirk on his face "because do you know what I don't need to go to your level" I looked at Nathan worriedly thinking "oh babe please don't" "you wouldn't do nothing anyway big man?" taunted Connor "well where's her watch from Levi then?" questioned Nathan "I don't have it?" said Connor in such a cocky manner that even I wanted to slap him speaking to my man like that "bullshit!" said Nathan "whatever!" said Connor "where is it?" asked Nathan his teeth gritted like he was trying to break an eggshell "haven't got it and for all I know it could be sold right about now so good luck getting it back Raya" taunted Connor "babe it doesn't matter about the watch just leave it?" I say trying to get Nathan to stand down, Nathan glanced at me sadly, Connor looked like he was a triumphant winner of the fight, a smug, cocky grin that he used to give me when he made me out to be the fool. "Nate leaves it be let's just go," I say shaking my head, I tried to lead Nathan away from Connor, Nathan got in a few steps before turning back around to Connor who was stood cockily at the door, "can I just say something to you yeah?" said Nathan (Oh for fuck's sake Nathan no!) "go on if you must," said Connor with a disinterested eye-roll "from what Raya told me you're only a weakling who can't do anything except control, manipulate and bully your partners and kill their kids!" said Nathan Connor yawned playfully, bored of what Nathan was saying "you're a small spiteful, lying, evil scumbag and no one deserves to be with you" Nathan jabbed his finger at Connor like an old grandmother punishing her grandchild "Nathan!" I shout offended by the baby comments "oh yeah and lonely you can add that to your list too" said Nathan and then he finally walked away from Connor's door. 

I won't lie getting out of that block of flats was the most relieving thing that happened that day. I finally found my feet again, Nathan opened the doors to the car and I got in straight away, to be honest, the moment I felt my feet in Nathan car was the moment I finally started to calm down properly. Nathan started to warm the car up and get ready to drive me back home. But this is where I should have seen the signs of the things that were yet to come.