Savin' Me (Part 1 of 3)

Part 5 The Car Ride/Back at Raya's

Raya's POV:

In the car, I can tell Nathan is still upset over the entire episode but all I want to do is smack him one and tell him to snap out of it. "Nate?" I say Nathan is focusing on the road, I roll my eyes "Nathan?" I say "what's up?" asks Nathan when he finally answers me, "you do know I have been with you now for a year and a half I know when you're miserable," I say "Raya babe don't," says Nathan "look I might not be the fountain of all knowledge like some people but I know you well enough," I say, Nathan, shakes his head "Raya thing is, is he's an asshole who has always treated me and Julian in the worst possible way but our Julian's got the tolerance I haven't," says Nathan his eyebrows furrowed with anger, his head violently shaking with rage "I understand if you don't want to talk about it but this isn't about you Nate, this is about Julian and Livvy," I say "I know and I know it's their party and they're entitled to invite whoever they want," says Nathan "I know your dad doesn't believe in mental health Nathan I know that," I say "I know you do," says Nathan, he solemnly looks at the open road from the steering wheel, "he used to lock Julian and me in our room every time there was any sort of argument" says Nathan "Nate..." I say "my granddad on my mum's side one day when Julian and I were playing we never got told the full story but my Granddad Robert Samuels grabbed my dad  by the neck and pinned him against the wall," said Nathan his eyes burning as he told me the stories "but the worst of the worst is every argument he and mum had" "Nate you can't blame yourself for their unhappy life together," I say "neither should you Raya but you do," says Nathan "because I was the biggest mistake in that marriage," I say and with that Nathan halts in a layby coming off the motorway he looks at me angrily, undoes his seatbelt and takes my face in his hand, his eyes filling with tears "don't ever say you're a mistake please don't babe," says Nathan tearfully, I just sit there stunned, "please never say that babe understand?" I nodded my head, Nathan's lips moved to my forehead where he dropped a long kiss on my forehead.

Why would he tell me that? I know he loves me but those tears mean something more than words could say. Had he been told he was a mistake? Had he been abused? Had someone hurt him in a way no one else could? 

I believe people can have many chips to their armour that what's another? What's another batch of salt in the wound? What's another bullet that'll hit and miss? What's another bit of pain? 

When Nathan finally starts the car going again the only thing is to keep my mouth shut, I reach for the radio, turn it onto InfiniteFM, and that's when I hear the radio presenter "hi guys this is Ashleigh Watson we're playing songs that mean something to you and our next dedication goes out to Danielle from Tommy this is Maroon 5 She Will Be Loved" says Ashleigh the radio presenter, the beginning notes of the song begin, followed by the lyrics of the song "great song this" says Nathan and he turns the volume up as we drive along.

When we got back to my house, Nathan and I got out of the car and walked up to my doorstep. When both of my feet were on the small platform, Nathan came into me "love you beautiful girl" "love you too" I said under the spell of his blue eyes, our lips met, my hand on the nape of his neck, feeling the bottom of his hair, his beard tickling my chin as we kissed "are you going to be okay?" I ask when the kiss is over "yeah babe just going to see our Julian and Livvy and then probably head home" said Nathan I looked up, rather soft in motion before nodding and saying "okay then babe" I give Nathan a small peck on the lips and head inside.

When I'm back inside Mollie's there "hiya" "hi Raya Curtis called for you earlier" says Mollie "why what's been happening?" I asked as I was hanging my coat up "he's seemed worried about something, to be honest Raya" said Auntie Mollie "what do you mean?" I say as I walked over to a chair in the living room "just like something bad had happened I don't know to be honest with you sweetheart but you'll have to see him sometime this week" said Mollie "right I'll bear that in mind" I say "so let's see your tattoo" said Mollie and with that, I grabbed the sleeve of my black slogan sweatshirt and slowly peeling it back to reveal my brand new tattoo.  Mollie held my wrist and saw my small semi-colon tattoo, she looked up at me "do you think he'd like it?" I asked finally after a long, awkward silence ensued "he'd have loved it" says Mollie, Mollie then got up and started to linger around a photo of Levi we had put up.

If I'm honest my auntie Mollie has really struggled to come to terms with the fact Levi's not here on planet Earth anymore. I think a small part of both of us had died when Levi died.

Not to get off topic but I think this is relevant to what I told you in the beginning. That I went through an eating disorder, I struggled at home but at work, I could mask it and try to carry on regardless. Mollie's story was the same with the eating disorder cut out, she would be fine at work but at home, she was a wreck, one thing that helped was having this black and white canvas photo of Levi hung on the wall. It took a long time until I figured out I had no excuse for the horrible, awful goodbye Levi had implanted in me. 

I can tell Mollie's going to cry any minute, I walk over to Mollie and just hug her from behind, I feel Mollie's hand caressing my hand and I kept my eyes on Levi's photo like it was just going to burn out rather than fade away.