Rin Okumura x Reader - Jealousy

Chapter 22 - Lost

You were nearly shaking from the cold, sitting out in the wilderness alone.  You were wandering, needing to get away from the school where you were sure the students and many exorcists were hunting you.  You'd hidden yourself for so long, and now you were found out, hated for what you were.  You should have expected it.

These kids hated anything that wasn't human, so why would you have been any exception? 

You think that the only reason that you survived so long was the memories of your vessel, her family's teachings influencing the way you would behave sometimes, why you knew the twins before you actually met them, but you could only coast on that so long, it seemed.  Now they knew, and they knew that you were something that didn't belong, especially with them being the songs of Satan himself, His cast out creation.  Just like you.

You found yourself desperately wishing that you could go back to forgetting who you were.  Ever since your burns were mentioned, memories had been flooding back, the joy that had been flying, knowing love for another creature that was so pure and unblemished, loving humans as He had intended you to, to protect them.  Having experienced what it was like to be one however, you found your love diminishing, especially as your connection with Him had been severed.  You didn't feel His affection for the creation in the same way that you had before, and you missed it.

You missed being so powerful, being able to take steps that spanned countries, to be able to swing your weapon and to take down a dozen demons, to fight the war that He had made you for.  You were supposed to be a perfect soldier, and now that you weren't, you didn't know what to do with yourself.  You wondered if you should let the cram course do with you whatever they would if they caught you.  It would give you something to do for forever, since you were sure that you wouldn't pass.  You had probably tried when you were first cast down.

You couldn't remember that far quite yet.

There were noises all around you in the woods, but you weren't afraid.  Nothing could scare you now, not when you remembered who you once had been, what had happened to you.  You wondered how long your vessel would last now that you knew who you were, that you remembered the glory you once held in your hand.  You didn't know if you hoped to keep the vessel or if you wanted to be cast out, left in the nothingness.

You didn't feel like you deserved to be here, not with the way Yukio had looked at you when he found out who you were.  You didn't deserve his brother, and knowing now that you had been such a holy creature before, you didn't know if you could actually be with Rin anymore.  You didn't know what would happen, should you continue to date one another.

You swore you could hear his voice.

He would be upset to lose you, you knew.  He always adored with his entire being, and it would tear him apart to have you ripped from his life.  You didn't deserve him though.  You knew you hadn't killed that other warrior, you knew it had been an accident with what you later learned was a gun, but you were still fallen.  You could still do things that a demon could, and if you were basically a demon now, what stopped your classmates from treating you like one?  They were supposed to rid the world of demons after all.

"[y/n]!"  You looked up.  It really was Rin's voice you heard, you hadn't just imagined it.  "Please, are you out there?"  Rin was looking for you.  You felt tears fall down your face, and you hugged your knees to your chest.  You found yourself hoping that he didn't find you.