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[Name] the Friendly Vampire~! }{KH/FF}{
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The Final Verdict:
Spelling and Grammar (5): 2.3
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 8.3
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 10.8
Plot (30): 12.3
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10):8.9
Judges Vote (20): 9.8
Total: 52.6
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Individual judges votes and comments
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 3
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 7
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 10
Plot (30) 10
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10): 8.9
Judges Vote (20): 13
Total: 51.9
Additional Comments: First things first, something that caught my attention was your...I don’t know, fear of having “Blahblah said.” Every time, it was ‘the ravenette said,’ ‘or the older man,’ or ‘the youngest of you three.’ It’s okay to just say their name, no one will think it’s repetitive. I also understand that it’s just the first chapter, so we dont know the whole story, but still. Sephiroth’s relationship with them seems so...weird to me. Like he doesn’t seem like pre-evil Spehiroth when he was still with SOLDIER in Crisis Core, and he certainly doesn’t sound like evil stabby-stabby Sephiroth, he just seems...out of character. And Zack. I’m not really sure what was going on there. Like...who was he even reading out those tips to? I thought at first that like...he was teaching a class to a bunch of kids, but then suddenly they were in a house making dinner, and he was talking to the vampires about how to kill them, and yet they all seem so chummy with each other. I mean, maybe it’ll become clear with more chapters, but at this point your plot seems a bit muddy to me, and I can’t quite understand exactly what’s going on.
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 2
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 7
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 9
Plot (30): 12
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10) 8.9
Judges Vote (20): 9
Total: 47.9
Additional Comments: Oh dear. Honey, one word: semicolons. You use them way too often, and their placements aren’t even correct. Please learn how to use them, because I couldn’t read your story without wanting you rip your head off for their improper use. Also, you should really proofread, because a lot of your dialogue doesn’t make sense. You use the wrong words in the wrong places, and it really takes away from your writing. The plotline is a bit questionable, and although I’m open to vampire AUs and all that jazz, I’m not thrilled to see you continue this. Please also get your “your, you’re” and “there, their, they’re”s straight.
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 1
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 10
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 14
Plot (30): 19
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10) 8.9
Judges Vote (20): 13
Total: 65.9
Additional Comments: Semicolons. Much like everyone else has said, you just put too much faith in those semicolons and it has hurt you. Also, what is with all the wrong words? Listen, ‘their’ is expressing ownership. Whereas ‘they’re’ is saying ‘they are’. And I’m not going to express my opinions on other words such as this. Just-I can’t with this. Character portrayals, Sephiroth...I doubt he would laugh and call someone out of their burn. The reader? At least her personality is established, and Zack Fair, it’s obvious that they are travelling companions and one is a vampire hunter with vampires, and with the way they talk, they seem to know each other well. So, why is he telling them about vampire hunting? Why is he, a vampire hunter, travelling with them even though he’s a hero and shit? I just don’t get it! All in all, even though this is your attempt at humor, I can’t say that I enjoy this story very much, but, I don’t know, maybe my mind will change in the upcoming chapters.
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 3
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 10
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 12
Plot (30): 8
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10) 8.9
Judges Vote (20): 5
Total: 46.9
Additional Comments: The problem with this one is that you really don't give me much to work with, anywhere really. The grammar in here is really lacking at points and the spelling errors detract from the flow of the story overall, which bothered me in that regard. And like everyone’s mentioned- semicolon abuse.
I think a big thing is that you were trying to go for humor, and that’s cool. The problem is that going for humor really killed your plot score since I was sitting here wondering what exactly the plot was. Like I know that this is the intro chapter and everything, but I didn’t have much to work with.
As fluffy humor and something slightly amusing to entertain me, this is ok. As something I seriously want to read and continue, ehh. I think the trio you had going was kinda cute though. Though, this Sephiroth is a bit too nice overall even if it is pre-Crisis Core. Like Sephy just- no not really, a few points off characterization there.
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 2
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 9
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 10
Plot (30): 15
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10) 8.9
Judges Vote (20): 9
Total:53.9
Additional Comments: I don’t think I have seen so many semicolons in my entire life. I’m pretty sure I’ve read a 50 page story with less semicolons. That was my number one issue with your grammar/spelling. Now, I see what you were trying to create but you fell short of your goal. Another thing, you shouldn’t have used Sephiroth in that little group. Zack was good, but Sephiroth made me uncomfortable. Like he was too… I don't know. For example at the end when he made the little jab at [Name] and chuckled, I legitimately cringed a little. So I end with this. Clean it up because honestly if the characterization was better and the grammar was too I could see something working.
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 3.
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 7.
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 10.
Plot (30): 10.
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10) 8.9
Judges Vote (20): 10
Total: 48.9
Additional Comments: Spelling and grammar wasn’t terrible, BUT THERE WERE SO MANY SEMICOLONS OH MY GOODNESS. Try and tone those down and either replace them with commas, or shorter sentences. Character portrayals.. I don’t know why, but I don’t see Zack to be the one giving out instructions on how to do things when Sephiroth is there. I think Zack would be more of the one to interrupt someone when trying to give instructions, not the other way around. Plot wise, they’re vampire hunters. I’ve seen enough vampire stuff to last me a lifetime. But, I haven’t seen (I don’t think) any other KH or FF fic delving into the world of vampires… so, things could get interesting.
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'Best KH/FF/Others Story' Competition Judgment Book
FanfictionWhere all results, feedback, comments, judges input, and scores will be posted. If you're in this competition, this book is your lifeline. It's how you can connect with the judges, the other writers, and the other stories.
