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Survival
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Final Verdict:
Spelling and Grammar (5): 3.6
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15) 13.6
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20) 16.8
Plot (30) 29.8
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10) 10
Judges Vote (20) 19
Total: 92.8
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Individual judges votes and comments
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 4
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 15
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20) 15
Plot (30) 30
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10) 10
Judges Vote (20) 20
Total: 94
Additional Comments: The beginning scene had me worried there for a second because of the how repetitive your use of ‘the girl’ and ‘the boy’ got, like there were rarely any switches between him and her, he and she, it was just always ‘the boy’ and ‘the girl’ and it made it feel a little slow. Of course that all ended as soon we switched over to ~~~~~~~ and you took on a more normal tone and writing style. That being said, I do really like the idea of the two unknown characters talking about what happened in the past. It’s a cool element that I don’t think I’ve ever seen used before on watty! I really like the plot, and the ‘working for the enemy’ thing you’ve got going. It sounds like there is a great story ahead, and I can’t wait to meet the other characters and find out exactly what all these ‘gifts’ are. =3
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 3
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 13
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 18
Plot (30): 30
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10) 10
Judges Vote (20): 18
Total: 92
Additional Comments: Your use of “the girl” and “the boy” in the beginning at first didn’t really appeal to me. I understand that that’s what people use when they want to conceal a character’s identity, but it gets a little tiring to see. But you actually weren’t hiding their identity… you just didn’t give them ones to begin with. It took some getting used to, but it was cute and an idea that I myself considered using before. As for grammar, you sometimes put commas where they weren’t needed/didn’t belong and also had a good amount of run-ons. Also, “had + past tense verb” isn’t always correct. Like when you said “you had been born,” it probably would’ve been better to say “you were born.” And about Kadaj’s portrayal, I get that he’s a sinister little bastard and all, but the yelling seemed forced. It’s like how Cloud’s pretty indifferent, but he isn’t an asshole. Kadaj is evil, but he wouldn’t scream at someone to wake up. I feel like he would actually let the person sleep in and have them get in trouble for being late. I like how you set up the plot, though. You built up some suspense and got my attention. I’m looking forward to reading more.
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 4
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 13
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 18
Plot (30): 30
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10) 10
Judges Vote (20): 18
Total: 93
Additional Comments: There were some occasional mistakes, honestly, and when it came to character portrayals, though they were only there for a few moments, they seemed a bit off, but alright considering the AU circumstances. With writing, there were times where there was a bit much and didn’t flow completely, but, I believe that it was alright. The plot is great, considering the fact that not everyone seems to make it out alive is established, and talking about all the people that are going to be coming in, only to be executed days later is definitely interesting as well.
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 3
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 14
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20) 16
Plot (30) 29
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10) 10
Judges Vote (20) 20
Total: 92
Additional Comments: The beginning storyteller aspect to the story adds a new level to the usual fanfics that we are used to seeing in these things. It really pulls the reader’s attention in, before returning to the usual fanfic style that we all know and love. A few grammar things like super long run on sentences really messed with the flow of the story overall. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I can’t really imagine Kadaj knocking on the door and yelling like some obnoxious older brother. Bitch would full out asshole mode it. Though Xemnas and Xehanort are as preachy as ever- don’t know how those two are coexisting though. But I really have to question that very detailed outfit and mirror scene. THE DRAMATIC STARING INTO ONE’S SOUL AND THEN REALIZING THE FLAWS OF THE PERSON INSIDE- please no. XD Though there’s a shit ton of foreshadowing and interesting plot elements like the Reader being undercover, and then the whole- not all of them made it out alive thing. That’s just cruel as fuck. But it really does a great job of catching everyone’s attention, so good job!
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 4
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 13
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 17
Plot (30): 30
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10) 10
Judges Vote (20): 17
Total: 91
Additional Comments: You got a great start so far. I really liked how you have it like ‘the girl’ is narrating the story to ‘the boy’. I’m a sucker for interesting ways of telling a story. The only issue I had in characterization was that first little convo with Kadaj. He’s yelling through the door for her to wake up and what not. I just thought it seemed a little forced.
Other than that I don't have much to much to say. You ended it with the whole ‘not all of them make it out alive’ and if that doesn't make a reader want more than I don't know what does.
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'Best KH/FF/Others Story' Competition Judgment Book
FanfictionWhere all results, feedback, comments, judges input, and scores will be posted. If you're in this competition, this book is your lifeline. It's how you can connect with the judges, the other writers, and the other stories.
