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Semi-Automatic ☯
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The Final Verdict:
Spelling and Grammar (5): 4.1
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 10.3
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 17.2
Plot (30): 28
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10): 9.9
Judges Vote (20): 19.2
Total: 88.7
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Individual judges votes and comments
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 4
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 10
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 17
Plot (30): 30
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10): 9.9
Judges Vote (20): 19.1
Total: 90
Additional Comments: Pffft, mega points off for using ‘darn it. xDD’. Also for naming your bad guy “the Undertaker” like the terrible and gimmicky WWE wrestler, like I get you mean the Black Butler guy, but still. One thing I noticed was there were a lot of really short simple sentences, like no more than 5 words, that made reading some of your descriptions and explanations a little monotonous. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll take that over an exhausting run on any day, but when reading about things I already know about (like how the menu worked, and what certain aspects of the ‘game’ were like save points) I really did need that much explanation in such simple terms. You also missed some commas and some words were stuffed in where they didn’t reaaaaaly fit, but it wasn’t distracting enough from the story that it will affect your score. Like always, points off for only having the ~~~~~~~ character in it, even though I guess there was brief mention of Yen Sid, but we both know he’s not the kind of character I’m looking for when I want to see my KH/FF boys. I’m also not really sure what the plot you’ve got going on here is all about, like...okay, so ~~~~~~ is just Yen Sid’s apprentice out and about in the worlds looking for some dude named the Undertaker, but we don’t know why, we’re just kind of rolling with it? I’m sure you’ll explain more in the later chapters, but I gotta admit it left me a bit unsure of what was supposed to be going on. It’s not a bad kind of unsure though, like I’m curious to see what happens next and find out more, because you’ve really captured some interesting game elements and mixed them into the story really well (even if the explanations seem a bit overdone to those of us who’ve played...well...any game before really).
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 4.1
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 10
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 17
Plot (30): 30
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10): 9.9
Judges Vote (20): 20
Total: 91
Additional Comments: I really liked the RPG setting, and I’m curious to see how that’ll play out (Get it? “Play” out? Yeah, I’m lame- you should know that by now). There were some times when you were either missing a comma or used the wrong word, like how “... undertaker is like a mortician right?” should have a comma before right. Also, near the very end on the second page, when [Name] thinks “Oh great, it’s night now,” you put “its” instead of “it’s.” Little things.
CAN I JUST SAY THAT I’M SUPER EXCITED FOR THE KUROSHITSUJI ASPECT OF THIS? I haven’t been keeping up with the series and I’m super pumped to see all my babies again.
A part where you lost a few points was how some parts of your writing were inconsistent. The first time [Name] quotes something that Yen Sid said to her, the sentences are italicized, but the next, the lines are bolded and straight. I do understand that in that second part the rest of the paragraph is italicized because that’s what [Name] is thinking, but maybe you could’ve just bolded it? I don’t know, man. It just didn’t really sit well with me. But I’m overall excited and want to see what you write next, so keep doing you!
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 4
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 11
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 19
Plot (30): 30
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10): 9.9
Judges Vote (20): 20
Total: 93
Additional Comments: There were some slight problems with missing commas or misplaced words, but, there weren’t very many problems after that. I do like where the story is going, I really do! I obviously took off points because there weren’t any Canon characters introduced quite yet, but added a point on because you showed us the reader’s personality right off the bat. The only problem really that I had with the writing was that with the description, it was all just given to you right there. I mean, I’m sure that you didn’t really have anywhere else to put them, but, it was all just too much information at once. Other than that, I didn’t really see any problems with it and I hope to see more of it soon!
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 4
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 10
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 18
Plot (30): 30
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10): 9.9
Judges Vote (20): 19
Total:90.9
Additional Comments: I’m gonna start with your description I haven’t mentioned descriptions in any other review I gave but I have to mention it with yours because I freaking loved it. A lot of people don't realize how important a description is. For me, it honestly could save or kill a story. If I read a bad one then I go into that story not looking forward to much and being kinda ‘bleeeh’ about the entire thing. After reading yours though, I went into the story totally pumped. Now, content wise I adored it. The idea you have behind this and the way it looks like the plot is heading makes me happy. I can't wait to read more. I love the whole ‘player’, ‘MC’, game thing. A freaking plus.
The only reason you really lost points were a couple grammar things. I also don't know anything about Black Butler (which is the characters referred to near the end there right?) so I wasn't as connected to it, but I still loved the story and can't wait to see what you do with it
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 4.
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 10.5.
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 15.
Plot (30): 20.
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10): 9.9
Judges Vote (20): 18.
Total: 77.4.
Additional Comments: Nothing really wrong with spelling or grammar, a few mistakes here and there but nothing major. Well, at least nothing that really caught my eye and make me want to smack my head against my keyboard. Character portrayals, we only met the reader and well, I can’t really go off much, other than she is Yen Sid’s apprentice and has been learning from him all her life. Yen Sid seemed spot on though, being as cryptic as ever. Dialogue was fine… description, I feel as though there were some parts where there was just too much to try and take in all at once. >< There was a lot of information and I found myself re-reading in order to try and wrap my head around it. Also, you seem to start a lot of paragraphs and sentences with the word ‘you’ which can get really repetitive and annoying quickly... Plot wise, it seems interesting. Travelling world to world, and side missions and all that stuff. Really reminds me of KH itself and many other games out there.
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'Best KH/FF/Others Story' Competition Judgment Book
FanfictionWhere all results, feedback, comments, judges input, and scores will be posted. If you're in this competition, this book is your lifeline. It's how you can connect with the judges, the other writers, and the other stories.
