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[Name] the Friendly Vampire~!
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Final Verdict
Spelling and Grammar (5): 3
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 10.3
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 12.3
Plot (30): 23.3
Fan Votes (10): 9
Judges Vote (20): 16
Total: 73.9
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 3
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 9
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 12
Plot (30): 25
Fan Votes (10): 9
Judges Vote (20): 18
Total: 76
Additional Comments: Okay, well first things first, I really find your writing style to be kind of convoluted and confusing. Like your phrasing is kind of awkward and overly fancy, like you're trying to puff up the work instead of letting it speak for itself through the content. I feel like there is a really quite interesting story to be had here, like this merry band of total opposites going around killing vampires...but it still needs some work. We need to know more about these characters. Like yeah, I know who Zack Fair is. ShinRa SOLDIER, puppy, hero and bae to all, Zack Fair...but who is Zack Fair vampire hunter, you know? Like right now you're just going off the readers' preexisting knowledge of the characters, and you aren't making them your own. Sephiroth being a member of the team is interesting, damn it, but you're just completely ignoring it. Give us some backstory, character insight, and some explanation as far as what's going on and why these particular characters are involved. This could be a cool story, it just needs more...well, more.
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 3
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 10
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 12
Plot (30): 22
Fan Votes (10): 9
Judges Vote (20): 15
Total: 71
Additional Comments: I'm sorry, but sometimes you used "was" instead of "were" and it just bothered me. Anyway, let's move on to my thoughts and how to better improve on this. To be perfectly honest, the story seems fine. The problem is that you give us all this info but at the same time you're not giving us enough and you leave us asking more questions rather than answers. You mention some guy that you know of, but we don't know who he is, and that just makes me curious on who the guy is. But, at the same time, you annoy me with it because everything is shoved in your face as if you're supposed to know all the answers already. I get that that's basically the case, as when it comes to most stories, they give out information that you as a reader should technically already know. But, they do it in a way that doesn't make it grating. You making it like this, where we're expected to know all the answers at the drop of a hat, makes it a bit weird and I just want to know what's going on. But, I can understand where you're coming from, it's just that I'm annoyed easily from certain things. Speaking of being annoyed, you made Zack Fair, the puppy and basically all around sweetheart, a playboy. Honestly, I hope that it was just a one time thing as Zack isn't the type of person who would fuck 'em and leave 'em I don't think. Yes, we get it, he asks for dates. But he tends to get a sense of who the girl is most of the time before doing so. So I doubt that he'd be a playboy who has sex with any pretty girl he sees. And that's why I took major points off the character portrayal character, but not a whole lot. When it comes to Sephiroth, he doesn't say much of anything, but, you can sort of tell who he is. And that's fine with me. I may not have a good grasp of his character, but, I can tell that this is his 'not crazy' period from Crisis Core and he seems like he's in character for the most part, so I think that it's fine. Now, the whole chapter just seems like a scene in some sort of a play, really, where it takes place in one thing, there's a little bit of humor and everything's said quickly as if you know everything. I don't know why, but that's how I feel when I read it. But, really, I don't have much to say about it except that you should explain things as best as you can, try and watch out for past tense and present tense with "was" and "were", as I notice you tend to have a problem with that. And, also, please try not to make Zack a playboy sex fiend. That's not who he is.
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 3
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 12
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 13
Plot (30): 23
Fan Votes (10): 9
Judges Vote (20): 15
Total: 75
Additional Comments:The importance of the first chapter is to set the stage and give readers an idea of what exactly they're diving into. You did that somewhat, I now know that Zacky, Seph, and the friendly vampire [Name] are hunting feral vamps but it still didn't push the readers any closer to what was going on overall. Why is [Name] hunting feral vampires? Why did she pair up with Zack and Seph to do so? Why are Seph and Zack hunting vampires? Why are they working together? I just feel that this chapter should have at least answered a few of those questions. It's good to leave a reader wanting more and to tease them with only bits of information sometimes, but to leave them clueless is a mistake. Also, your writing feels slightly forced. Sometimes the simplest way to say something is the best way. Another thing to work on is grammar and spelling. Spelling wise, a lot of it was just missed letters so try running your work through a spell check thing or re-reading it a couple times yourself. You have the makings of a really interesting story though. So keep working at it.
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'Best KH/FF/Others Story' Competition Judgment Book
FanfictionWhere all results, feedback, comments, judges input, and scores will be posted. If you're in this competition, this book is your lifeline. It's how you can connect with the judges, the other writers, and the other stories.
